Two eggs boiling in a pan.  One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me!

The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.