Now massive, before mi even start, mi have a serious problem wha mi need fi share. Kaboom a di biggest BlackBerry defender. So aftah months of campaigning mi notice say TAE get one and dem a boast bout dem BlackBerry messenger and dem can chat all dem want; ah nuh like text message wha yuh haffi ah spen how much money every minute. So mi alright an get one. Likkle aftah dat, Witch join forces an get one, so wi a wait fi Mucho Mucho get one now. Mi say people, mi nuh know whether fi weep or gnash me teeth. Mek mi explain some ting: mi nuh go tru life as 'Cherry Flawless', mi work an do mi ting ordinary, is just dat people will look pon mi an know say mi oh so flawless, so dem waan mi BlackBerry PIN. Mi nuh have a problem. But look here, oonu know oonuself! Stop message mi an when mi nuh answer within a two-minute time frame oonu a PING!!! mi. As a matter of fact don't message mi at all, cause mi ting always say unavailable. If you are in di INK you are have my number an know say mi nuh love di textin ting. If yuh ah one wuk smaddy, or plain stalker only talk to mi between midday - 2 p.m.! Tro wharahit! Oonu a mek mi nerves shatter whe like Michael Jackson nosehole. Juss a stress mi out so. Suss time. Link mi pon hotgalcherry@hotmail.com.

CRIME STOP WI TING DEH!

Now massive, mi need fi know if a me one think bout dem tings yah. Di odda day pon di news dem set ah people deh release statement bout no music pon buses and no dark tinted vehicles and if we witness no public transportation ah play music we muss tek dung di licence plate numba and report dem. Lawd, yuh see di distress wha dem people yah put mi eena when dem release di statement. Dem know say mi a watch and dem know deep dung inna dem heart say mi a go comment inna di column. Lawd, yuh know ma tongue sharper dan 50 lion teet, tek whe di malicious words from ma lips. Ooooh hashkalabish ooolakabaaah fadadadadadamilikala! Hallelujjerrr! Alright mi ready now. Look how much wharahit decade Crime Stop deh bout a try mek people call een an report crime cause people out yah get kill every SECOND fi every DAY! Likkle pickney out yah ah get kidnap an rape an killed an drag dung inna shallow grave! Lawd! Hol mi tongue! Look how much likkle pickney trap inna di ghetto a get sell to dons, he-she, he-it, as prostitute fi money! Den oonu dung inna wi neck-tring bout report radio a play inna bus. Mi did tell oonu say mi nuh waah hear 12 o'clock news? Mi did tell oonu say mi nuh waah hear music play low? I nevah see nutten grieve mi spirit so yet! Bout call een! We dung inna di middle an lower class an Crime Stop have odda tings ah concentrate pon like crime rate, murdah an how fi get cheap bullet-proof vest inna bulk!

WHAT SEXY HEELS?

Alright people, on to a lighter note. Oonu see Timberlee Heels video? If oonu nuh see it, go pon youtube. When di song did release las yeaaaaaar, mi like it, it have a vibe; but oonu need fi imagine mi shock when wi inna March and di video juss a come plus one premier party fi it. Mi ah wondah if one part two did mek or some ting. But anyway, dat are not where my criticism are lie today. Lookyah Timberlee an Dexter, if one song a talk bout so sexy in my heels an she love har heels like crazy, not to mention say dem mek di smaddy feel empowered when she have dem on: mi naw expect dat deh basic nothingness deh. First of all, mi a expect one video wid shoes wha sell RIGHT OFF! Mi a expect fi see a video whe people obviously feel so sexy inna dem heels. Not one wid one man a JUGGLE three shoes; not one wid di MAIN close upSSS featuring di pink shoes dem wid yuh in di sofa. Not one video wid yuh a hol poodle an some very FAST shots of di shoes in di shoe-fitting. Show mi sinting wid one ditzy girl all deh a beach inna heels, cause a juss fi har ting dat wha mek her feel sexy; show mi one woman who deh a wuk wid some termite co-worker, but oonu show one close up ah har sell-off shoes when she a get up an walk go inna one board meeting fi do one presentation. Like how people have power suit, she have her sexy-power shoes. Yuh nuh haffi be totally literal, but if yuh a go do one video fi one old song, at least mek di video matter fi further push di song. Somewhere ... out there.

IT'S RAINING IMPROVEMENT

Raine Seville - Contributed

Yes Miss Raine, mi see yuh new video fi Belly Wine. Mi cudda buy yuh 10 golden chariot wid di finest of pharaoh's horses fi nuh use deh certain director deh again aftah mi cuss yuh. Memba mi tell yuh, di vibe a occur fi deh one yah. Scorpio 21 oonu shots ah happen. It nevah have no storyline but it did have a theme fi go wid di video. Sexy yuh say, an a dat yuh push tru the video. An mi nevah know say yuh a dancer? Tami and Brick n Lace try watch dem boot heel pon di international scene. Yuh juss buss and it look like yuh a come hard already. Mi a gwaan pree yuh still.

MI WAAH FI KNOW

What a way Poor an Boasty love him woman! Mi cyan memba har name, email mi!

Empress what a way dem tek yuh fi poppyshow, put yuh inna one full black vampire outfit wid cape last Saturday eeh? When yuh a close, mi did expect yuh fi shout: "My peeeeeopleee! It's been lovely! I'm your girl Vampeerah ..."

Arif , Arif, Arif. Why? Lawd have mercy.

Peppita need one neck brace fi hol' it steady?