These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children.
           I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm,
so please don't let them know of my immediate
availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and
integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class
act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history.
I've made money and lost money.
I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as
'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME *la*hPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 every morning.

Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies,
as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat -
just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an
assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so
oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured
so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
rarefied facets of financial management as the major
sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS and JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed
and my employer does not know I am looking for another
job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology,

I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is
unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating *lo**. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense
fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
Midwest chain operation."