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Math Class
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math
problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question..
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot
one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher.
"But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone,
the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which
one is married?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger.
But I like the way you are thinking..
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Red and Shiny The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their
minds, asked the class the following question, " What is bright red
and shiny?"
Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, " A fire engine !!!!???"
"No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the way you think.. Anyone
else?"
Little Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher was happy
except Johnny of course..
Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to
which she nodded OK.
" What is long,hard, rounded and has hair at one end? "
"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..."
Johnny replied, " No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the way you
think"..
__________________________________________________ ___________

Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each
other.
"Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny.
"Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated."
"Okay, I've understood."
"What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically.
"Never relax in your life, dad, or you'll get f**ked like a dog!"
__________________________________________________ ___________

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast
tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't
forget.
The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father,
always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your
mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks
later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's
dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming 'Oh
God, I'm coming!"
__________________________________________________ ___________

Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to
sleep. He decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them.
Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"
Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"
So Johnny decides to go into hisgrand parent's room, only to find the
blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny: " Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?"
Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!"
Feeling rejected,Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into
bed.
A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling
at him so decide to go and apologize.
Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.
"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"
Johnny:"I'm playing cards." Grandpa:" But who's your partner?"
Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"
__________________________________________________ ___________

No Fighting
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school
wit a black eye.
His father see's it and says "Johnny, how
many times do I have to
tell
you
not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in
church saying our
prayers.
We
all stood up and my teacher in front of me
had her dress in the crack
of
her
butt. I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those
kind of things to
women.

Sure
enough, the very next day Johnny came home
with the other eye black
and
blue.
Johnny's fathersaid, "Johnny, I thought we
had a talk!"
"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault.
There we were in church
saying
our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher
in front of us had her
dress
in
the crack of her butt. Then max who was
sitting next to me saw it
and he
reached over and pulled it out. Now I know
she doesn't like this, so
I

pushed it back in!"
__________________________________________________ ___________

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says,"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a
fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I've DEFINITELY s**t in my pants..."
__________________________________________________ ___________

What are you doing Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the
some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and
walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had
gone on..
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a
used condom..
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny..
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his
son..
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his
father..
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well,
what are you doing? F**king them?"
__________________________________________________ ___________

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well
during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they
give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed..
The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained,
then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I
only have two of?"
Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I
don't have in my pants?"
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"
__________________________________________________ ___________

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom
and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a
question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have
to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are
in the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer..
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars
are in the sky?"
and again no one could answer..
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday,
he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day
weekend..
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong
balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag..
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says,
"Here's this week's question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls
rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who
find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts
laughing..
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
Tuesday!"
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