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How To Bathe A CatHow To Bathe A Cat
by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that
works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it
away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers,
I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that
lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug
by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:
"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you
might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the
bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern
for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that
advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area
where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub
with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a
shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from
your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to
protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face
mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you
have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the
bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can
be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange
attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does
notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-
testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single
liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the
glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You
have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.
Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds
at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another
squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back
into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for
cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will
be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the
cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared
to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is
semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with
your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just
reach down and dry the cat.


In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will
usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time
sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the
fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a
rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for
life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a
lot better.