YEARS before women got in-tuned with their bodies; before Sex and the City and before sex shops and orgasms on the go, women were led to believe that their role in sex was to just accept what the man provided and grin and bear it. And so, many women lived in worlds where the orgasm was non-existent and where pleasure meant making their men, and only the men, happy. We're not sure when exactly the sexual revolution spiralled, but today, many women aren't taking just any old loving in the bedroom. They are asking for what they want and little by little, showing men that they are equal partners, who deserve as much pleasure from the relationship as men get.

But for some couples the revolution has been slow in coming. The women complain that their men are selfish; not willing to do what it takes to drive them wild. And with the proliferation of explicit songs being fed by our local artistes, many of whom are still into the 'me, me, me' mode, more and more we're meeting up on the selfish man who is solely interested in pleasuring himself.

Is your man one?

Selfish act #1: He won't go down!

Even as the once highly-taboo act of oral sex becomes a staple in many bedrooms across Jamaica, cunnilingus is a performance that some men still swear they will never be participants in.

It's an inflexible view of sex that Sex Therapist Dr Sidney McGill warns about, and one that Gianna Brown, whose story is told below, lists as her reason for cheating.

"Vaginas are made to excrete urine, expel a baby and contain a penis during sexual intercourse," Dr McGill explained, as the reason behind the negative views of some men towards cunnilingus. "The main reason they (men) give is that the vagina is not clean enough..., worst still if they also have the view that it is the ugliest part of the woman's body. I believe the view is developed during adolescence when they talk and learn about sex among themselves. Many more will say in the group that they will never go down but do so in privacy and actually love it. The refusal to have oral sex can also have a religious or homophobic reasoning," he explained.

Thirty-six-year-old Steven F told All Woman that oral sex is something he has never done and has no intention of doing, even if it means his partner will walk away from the relationship.

"I don't see any fun in that," he said. "If she wants to do it to me then fine, but I am not doing it. But the real reason is that it (the vagina) doesn't smell good. And from it don't smell good then it can't taste good!" he said. Steven explained that if his partner confessed to him that oral sex is the only thing that gives her sexual satisfaction, he would allow her to go rather than perform the act.

"What if you don't like it but you did it only to accommodate her and then decide one day that you cannot do it anymore?" he reasoned. "That means she would still end up leaving because you are no longer willing to do it."

Dr McGill explained that oral sex is very pleasurable for most women because the clitoris (which is loaded with nerve endings) gets direct stimulation with a soft tool -- the tongue.

"Manual stimulation sometimes is far less pleasurable, especially with a big, rough, insensitive hand. Penis-vagina interactions do not always directly stimulate the clitoris," he explained.

Selfish act # 2 -- the man, the 'me-attitude' and the sex tapes

Even as some men refuse to return the favour to please their partners, some feel that women who are willing to go down deserve 'ratings'.

This was strongly stated in the reactions of a group of Kingston men All Woman interviewed, most of whom had no problems with women who do the act.

For 24-year-old Dain S, who grew up hearing his uncle speak out against 'bowers' and therefore fostered the view that it is something a 'real' man never does, he too takes pleasure in having a woman perform fellatio on him and even demands it from time to time.

"Yes, is big man ting, mi not doing it to no girl, but she can do it to me," he said. "I believe I can satisfy a woman without having to go down."

And then there are the men who refuse to do what their women want, even when begged, because they just can't be bothered.

"That's my fiancé to the 'T'," 26- year-old Lola B explained. "I do everything -- look up suggestions on the 'Net; read the magazines, buy the toys, and all he does is please himself and leave me wanting more."

Explained Andrew Morris: "I'll admit that some men are selfish, but then, it takes a big man to be able to get to the point where he cares about his partner, to ensure that she gets something out of the relationship too. Biologically, sexual pleasure seems skewed towards men, and many men are too lazy to do more than biology requires."

Another issue of concern is the recent proliferation of sex tapes, where the women are the ones always shown, and made to face the shame when exposed.

Oftentimes the men involved simply lay back and enjoy the moment.

"In this case, the men are excited to show the world what they're getting," Morris theorised. "It's another cultural thing -- similar to the notches in the bedpost thing; where the women are mere conquests and the man is just trying to satisfy his selfish desires, and in this case, having his cake, eating it, and showing the world that he's blessed!"

'Mi a give him bun! Straight'

"Me? Mi a give him bun! Straight," one Kingston vendor who identified herself as Carlene said in reaction to the question about what women do when they have a lover who won't indulge. "Yes, sure he can take care of me with other things, but I want my proper sort out and if he's not doing it (oral sex) mi nah wild him -- a nuff man out there that will give a woman what she want."

She continued: "Mi sorry fi dem. Is that woman nowadays love. But still plenty man out there say they're not doing it and when you catch them behind closed doors you see them gwaan wild!"

Gianna Brown admits that she cheated on an ex, who she told time and time again to get with the programme and open his mind to non-traditional sexual habits.

"I told him straight, the first time, that every man was doing that now, that no woman would settle for any man who was unwilling," she said. "But obviously he didn't understand. He was a nice guy, but stupidly held on to the belief that Christian men didn't do those things. So when I had to move to Ochi for a job, I cheated on him two weeks after moving, with a man who had no reservations."

According to Dr McGill, not being willing to perform oral sex does not necessarily mean the relationship has to end.

"The sexual relationship tends to survive if the woman sees the man as being good enough as a lover and good enough in the various roles he plays in the relationship," he said.

Are toys replacing men in the bedroom?

Once upon a time, the sex-toy buyer was the single woman without a partner, who needed something to ward off her desires.

But today, as more women -- including those in serious relationships -- complain that their men are not willing to spend time satisfying their sexual needs, they are turning to their options, which include investing in sex toys.

"I have my thing in my top drawer available for whenever my husband is acting the fool," Janet W said. "And all my girlfriends have one or two too, it's something we all need at some point as we all have problem husbands."

But Dr McGill assured that sex toys are not replacing men in the bedroom.

"Sex toys give people more sexual choices. They are sexual enhancers and for persons who are without sex partners, they are very good tension relievers," he said.

And women in relationships sometimes turn to the use of vibrators but will keep the toy hidden from their partners, as they believe it may crush the man's ego to know she is seeking 'outside' help.

"[But] I think that the use of a sex toy such as the vibrator does not signal that the male partner is sexually incompetent," Dr McGill explained. "Sex toys should be seen in the way one takes vitamin pills during a good meal -- it is only a supplement."

-- Donna Hussey- Whyte

Disclaimer: Views expressed are that of the author, and do not necessarily reflect my personal opinion!!!

Disclaimer: Views expressed are that of the author, and do not necessarily reflect my personal opinion!!!