Q: Doctor,  I've  heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?  
A:  Your  heart is only good for so many   beats, and that's it...  don't waste them  on exercise. Everything wears out   eventually.  Speeding up your heart  will not make you live longer; that's like  saying you can extend  the life  of your car by driving it  faster.  Want to live longer?  Take  a nap. 

Q: Should  I  cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits  and  vegetables?
A: You  must  grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What  does a cow eat?   Hay and  corn.   And what are these?   Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing  more  than an efficient mechanism of   delivering vegetables to your   system.   Need grain?    Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a  good source  of field gra**  (green  leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your  recommended daily allowance of   vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I  reduce my  alcohol intake?   
A:  No,  not  at all.  Wine is made from   fruit.  Brandy is  distilled  wine,  that means they take the water out  of  the fruity bit so you  get even  more of the goodness that  way.    Beer is also made out  of grain.   Bottoms   up!

Q: How  can I  calculate my body/fat   ratio?  
A:  Well,  if you have a body and you  have  fat, your ratio is one  to  one.  If you have two bodies, your   ratio is two to  one,  etc. 

Q:  What  are some of  the advantages of  participating in a regular  exercise   program?
A: Can't  think of  a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy  is: No  Pain...Good!
Q:  Aren't   fried  foods bad for  you?  
A:   YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....   Foods are fried these days in   vegetable oil.   In fact,  they're permeated in it.   How could  getting more  vegetables be  bad for   you?  

Q:  Will   sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a  little soft  around   the middle? 
A: Definitely   not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets  bigger. You  should only be  doing  sit-ups if you want a bigger    stomach.  

Q:   Is   chocolate bad for  me?  
A:   Are   you crazy? HELLO    Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's  the best feel-good   food  around! 

Q:   Is   swimming good for your  figure?  
A:   If   swimming is good for  your  figure,   explain whales to   me. 

Q:  Is  getting   in-shape important for  my    lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!   'Round' is  a  shape!  

Well,   I  hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you  may   have had about   food   and diets.

And  remember:  
'Life  should  NOT  be a journey to the grave  with the intention of  arriving   safely in an attractive and well preserved   body, but rather  to skid in sideways -  Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate  in  the other - body thoroughly used  up,  totally worn out and    screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a   Ride' 

AND.....

For  those of you  who watch what you eat, here's the final   word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to  know the  truth after all those conflicting  nutritional  studies.   

1.  The Japanese eat  very little  fat
and  suffer  fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

2. The Mexicans   eat a lot of  fat
and suffer fewer heart  attacks than  Americans.  

3.  The Chinese  drink very little  red  wine
and  suffer fewer  heart attacks than   Americans.

4. The  Italians  drink a lot of red   wine
and suffer  fewer heart  attacks than  Americans.   

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of   sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart  attacks than Americans.  

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what  you like.
Speaking  English  is apparently what kills   you.

Enjoy