Q: How Do You Catch A Unique bird?
A: Unique Up On It.

Q: How Do You Catch A Tame bird?
A: Tame Way, Unique Up On It .

Q: How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
A: They Take The Psycho Path

Q: How Do You Get Holy Water?
A: You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

Q: What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? 
A: Polaroids 

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchenjust vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.

Im so depressed My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didnt have to worry about a Will. He said, Will !? What will ? Im making a list of the people I wanna bite.