I am an avid reader of your column and I have now taken a step to write you. When I was about 16, my dad raped me and ever since then I am unable to keep a relationship. The men treated me just as how my dad did. They hit me and stuff like that. I am a 21-year-old woman and I am having a lot of things happening in my life. I am in love with a man who is 18 years my senior. The problem is that when we met he told me that he didn't have a girlfriend and I believed him.
About a year in the relationship, a woman showed up at my workplace asking for me. When I asked her why she wanted to see me, she told me that she was his girlfriend for seven years. When I asked him about it, he told me that she was just his friend and that they've known each other for a time, but nothing happened between them.
She kept showing up at my workplace with notes and calling me names, among other things. One day she came and disgraced me in front of my customers and my supervisors had to call the police. We went to the police station only to discover that what my lover was saying was, in fact, the truth. However, after all this humiliation, I still stayed with him.
In August of this year, we had a fight and he hit and kicked me. I couldn't go to work for weeks. All this happened over the same person whom I thought we had got over from last year. Anyway, I loved him so much that I stayed with him after all these beatings. We are now over this girl, but my problem is that we argue a lot.
Not baptised
He says I don't care about him and that I don't love him, but that's not true. I want to leave this man because he seems to be a threat to my life, but I love him so much. Another thing is that I am broke and am in need of a job. I am staying at his place because I have nowhere else to go and I don't know what to do.
Pastor, I am so scared and I need your fatherly advice. I am an adventist, but I am not baptised. My life is so stressful and depressing. It has been a while since I have been to church, but I haven't forgotten the Lord.
I am wondering whether your mother knew that your father sexually abused you and whether she tried to help you by reporting the matter to the police, etc. You have not said anything about your mother and whether she was living at home with you at the time your father was abusing you. You believe that what happened to you has affected every relationship which you have had. Evidently, you did not receive therapy.
Now, may I suggest that you make an appointment to see a family counsellor and that you make plans to leave the man with whom you are with. I know that you are reluctant to do so because you are not employed. But if you are willing to take any job, including becoming a live-in helper, you can walk out on this man and relieve much of the stress you are currently experiencing. Many girls have had to become live-in workers and their employers have allowed them to go back to school and to pursue a career. You can do the same.
He could have done something to stop this woman from hara**ing you. You haven't done her any wrong. If he had stood up for you, she would not have felt that she could go to your workplace and embarra** you. This man has become abusive, so you should leave him and not look back. If you cannot go to live with your mother, find a friend who will take you in while you seek a job. Ask the members of the church to help you. Don't just sit there and suffer. Do something to help yourself.
Pastor
Mediazone Badman said
13:00 10/18 2008
Huh?!
JamaicanQueen said
13:02 10/18 2008
umm this.......... umm.... soon come back caz me no ovastand this
-- Edited by jamaicanqueen at 14:05, 2008-10-18
chadutd said
16:54 10/21 2008
i hate dear pastor ......[posted in di wrong place]
I am an avid reader of your column and I have now taken a step to write you. When I was about 16, my dad raped me and ever since then I am unable to keep a relationship. The men treated me just as how my dad did. They hit me and stuff like that. I am a 21-year-old woman and I am having a lot of things happening in my life. I am in love with a man who is 18 years my senior. The problem is that when we met he told me that he didn't have a girlfriend and I believed him.
About a year in the relationship, a woman showed up at my workplace asking for me. When I asked her why she wanted to see me, she told me that she was his girlfriend for seven years. When I asked him about it, he told me that she was just his friend and that they've known each other for a time, but nothing happened between them.
She kept showing up at my workplace with notes and calling me names, among other things. One day she came and disgraced me in front of my customers and my supervisors had to call the police. We went to the police station only to discover that what my lover was saying was, in fact, the truth. However, after all this humiliation, I still stayed with him.
In August of this year, we had a fight and he hit and kicked me. I couldn't go to work for weeks. All this happened over the same person whom I thought we had got over from last year. Anyway, I loved him so much that I stayed with him after all these beatings. We are now over this girl, but my problem is that we argue a lot.
Not baptised
He says I don't care about him and that I don't love him, but that's not true. I want to leave this man because he seems to be a threat to my life, but I love him so much. Another thing is that I am broke and am in need of a job. I am staying at his place because I have nowhere else to go and I don't know what to do.
Pastor, I am so scared and I need your fatherly advice. I am an adventist, but I am not baptised. My life is so stressful and depressing. It has been a while since I have been to church, but I haven't forgotten the Lord.
K.S., St Catherine, Jamaica
Dear K.S.,
I am wondering whether your mother knew that your father sexually abused you and whether she tried to help you by reporting the matter to the police, etc. You have not said anything about your mother and whether she was living at home with you at the time your father was abusing you. You believe that what happened to you has affected every relationship which you have had. Evidently, you did not receive therapy.
Now, may I suggest that you make an appointment to see a family counsellor and that you make plans to leave the man with whom you are with. I know that you are reluctant to do so because you are not employed. But if you are willing to take any job, including becoming a live-in helper, you can walk out on this man and relieve much of the stress you are currently experiencing. Many girls have had to become live-in workers and their employers have allowed them to go back to school and to pursue a career. You can do the same.
He could have done something to stop this woman from hara**ing you. You haven't done her any wrong. If he had stood up for you, she would not have felt that she could go to your workplace and embarra** you. This man has become abusive, so you should leave him and not look back. If you cannot go to live with your mother, find a friend who will take you in while you seek a job. Ask the members of the church to help you. Don't just sit there and suffer. Do something to help yourself.
Pastor
-- Edited by jamaicanqueen at 14:05, 2008-10-18