Newsworthy

My name is Ace,
and I'm a reporter.
I gather the news
with my tape recorder.

Then I print it all up
on a paper towel
and pass it around
for a hoot and a howl.

I wrote about Jimmy
and the day he told Rose
that he wanted a kiss
and she punched his nose.

I wrote about Carrie
and the sign that said "Stop";
how her underpants showed
when she climbed to the top.

I wrote about Justin,
and how he got in trouble
when his hair turned all pink
from that big, gummy bubble.

I said Mrs. Morose,
who's my home room teacher,
looked like a fuzzy faced
two-headed creature.

I wrote about Lynne
and her big brother Michael,
how she pushed him off
his unicycle.

I wrote a small story
'bout Benjamin Blair,
and how he still sleeps
with his teddy bear.

But the best story there
was how Timothy Vance
spun three times
and dropped his pants.

I passed out my paper
on everyone's doorstep,
till my route finally left me with
just one more step.

I laid down my paper
for my parents to find.
I thought they'd be proud,
but they whacked my behind.

They said, "It's not nice
to embarra** your friends,
or even your enemies.
Now go make amends."

So I 'pologized
to Jimmy and Rose
and Carrie and Justin
and Mrs. Morose,

and all of the people
who called me a liar.
It's been lots of fun
but I think I'll retire.