Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.


Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!


Conclusion : Men are better friends

These are 6 honesttruths that you probably didn't know...

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.   2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it. 3. The first truth is a lie.. 4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this,....
BUT, I needed company...

A little something to make you smile,
C

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." 

Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean." 

Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. 

Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please." 

The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!" 

Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in. 

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!" 

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them. 

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer." 

Magically, the ocean turns to beer. 

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." 

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. 

As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. 

He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" 

"No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. 

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: 

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." 

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" 

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you f eel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the tab le and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'D o you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so y ou can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'



A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. !


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painf ully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

-- Edited by Nickquane at 14:06, 2008-09-05

i NEED this on my keyboard

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. 

Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. 

When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?'' 

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died. 

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.'' 

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(Because they are plugged into a genius)

 

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(They don't have enough time) 

 

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?  

 ( They don't stop to ask directions)

 

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

( Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) 

 

 

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(So they won't hump women's legs at c**ktails parties)

 

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

 (You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

 

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(Dont know.....it never happened)

 

(Cmon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

 

And the personal favorite:

 

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

 

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face   and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

 

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

 

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

 

And they say blondes are dumb...

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

 

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

 

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

 

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

 

A: A rumor

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

 Dear Lord,

 

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

 

AMEN

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -

 

Q: Why do little boys whine?

 

A: They are

practicing to be men.

-----------------------------------------------

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

 

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------    

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

 

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. 

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." 

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" 

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. 

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." 

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. 

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. 

"How did it go?" the doctor asked. 

"Terrible, doctor, terrible." 

"Did it not work?" 

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." 

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" 

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

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This Booty Call Agreement (Hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the ___ day of _________________, 2____, between __________________ & __________________.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleep overs-- Unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public, except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening (when absolutely necessary)
3. No calls before 9 p.m.-- we don't have stuff to talk about.
4. No emotional discussions about where this thing is headed, or potential love blossoming etc.
5. No plans made in advance-- that's why we're each others backup. An out of town hook-up is an exception to the rule. Even then, it's a one-time advance call.
6. No baby talk-- however, dirty talk is encouraged.
7. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK.
8. No falling asleep right after sex--if it's over we get our asses up and go home.
9. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes both of us-- so no repeat requests.
10. Doggie style preferred-- the less eye contact, the better.

******Extra Tip For Sucessful Booty Calls******


The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and the offender will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted the from phone, memory and email lists; blocked from all communication

 

Participating Partners:_______________________________________________________________

Signatures:_____________________________________ __________________________________

Date:_______________________________________

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating gra** by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 

"Why are you eating gra**?" he asked the man. 

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. 

"Oh, please come to my house!" 

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..." 

"Bring them along!" the rich man said. 

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." 

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The gra** at my house is over three feet tall!"

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it. 

He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?" 

The women replied, "June." 

She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling. 

June was a little embarra**ed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?" 

Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. 

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. 

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. 

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. 

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole. 

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too. 

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. 

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

http://www.sendspace.com/file/1wcycl

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. 

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection!
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, no love!

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. 

The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself." 

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself." 

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself." 

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day." 

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day." 

"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." 

The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" 

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." 

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" 

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." 

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" 

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" 

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school." 

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?" 

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

These two boys were talking about their sex lives and different techniques to make it really good. One of the guys asked the other if he knew how to do it rodeo-style. The other guy said no and asked him to explain. 

''That's where you start out doing it doggy-style, hold a breast in each hand, tell her that she feels SO much like your ex-girlfriend, then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds!''

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: 

"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out." 

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: 

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" 

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." 

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mvgl_2vufbM]

-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 13:28, 2008-08-25

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. 

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" 

"None. I had a perfect marriage." 

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" 

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy. 

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" 

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. 

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." 

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying. 

"What's wrong?" 

"I just saw my wife." 

"So?" 

"She was riding a skateboard."

A Jamaican ginnal named Countafeit is out playing football, and gets hit when an opponent powerfully kicks the ball straight into his crotch.
 
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to a Doctor and asked, 'How bad is it Doc? Mi goin' on mi honeymoon nex week and mi fiancée is still a virgin in every way.' The Doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your 'thing' in a splint to let it get better and keep it stable. It should be alright by next week.'
 
So he took four wooden tongue depressors, made a neat four-sided splint, wired it all together and Countafeit was all set now.
 
Countafeit mentions none of this to his fiancée Puncie. They get married and head off on their honeymoon, with Countafeit having professed to Puncie that he is also a virgin
 
That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous pair of breasts. This was the first time he was actually seeing them.
 
She said, 'You are the first, no man has ever touched these breasts.' She then removes her panties to reveal her 'treasure', and again declares, 'You are the first, no man has ever been there'.
 
Countafeit then whips off his pants and says, 'Yuh t'ink dat a nutten? look yah, my own still inna di CRATE!'

Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says, ''My wife has got to be the dumbest. She's so stupid she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner and we don't even have electricity!" 

The others laugh. 

The next hick says, "Ah that ain't nothin'! My wife's dumber - she went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered!" 

They all laughed and laughed because no one had plumbing. 

The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman has got to be the dumbest. Just this mornin' I was looking though her purse for some chewin' tobacco and I found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!"

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. 

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. 

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" 

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered. 

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?" 

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. 

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. 

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" 

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." 

The husband and wife agreed. 

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" 

To which she responded, "Three years." 

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" 

To which she replied, "31 years old." 

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. 

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

-- Edited by Bossman_3nt at 19:40, 2008-04-16

    A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? 

Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." 

So they went home.

       Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the c**kpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the c**kpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."