Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"

 

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off. 

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?" 

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

-- Edited by JaydsTbalist at 03:22, 2008-07-11

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday I made love to my wife." The priest explained that there was nothing wrong with that. "But Father, I did it with lust." "That's alright", said the priest, "that was no sin." "But Father, it was in the middle of the day." "That's quite natural", replied the priest. But Father, I couldn't help myself. She leant over the deep freeze and I jumped on her. We made love on the floor. Am I banned from church?" "Of course not!." "What a relief. We've both been banned from Woolworths."

Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their 
honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed,
spreads her legs...
Her husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now, NOW..."
"Now?" she asks.
"Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.

The first one says, "Oh, three fingers."

The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!"

The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.

•  
  •  
    •  The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise

•  
  •  
    •  I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
      I do physical labor.
      I work at great depths.
      I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
      I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
      I work in a damp environment.
      I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
      I work in high temperatures.
      My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

•  
  •  
    •  Sincerely,
      P. Niss
      

The Response

•  
  •  
    •  Dear P. Niss:
      After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
      You do not work 8 hours straight.
      You fall asleep after brief work periods.
      You do not always follow the orders of the management team.You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
      You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured andstimulated in order to start working.
      You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
      You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing thecorrect protective clothing.
      You will retire well before you are 65.
      You are unable to work double shifts.
      You sometimes leave your designated work area beforeyou have completed the assigned task.
      And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying twosuspicious-looking bags.

•  
  •  
    •  Sincerely,
      V. Gina

-- Edited by owadkelly at 00:51, 2009-01-14

Paddy goes into superdrug and asks

"Have you got K.Y Jelly?"

The assistant says

"No. Have you tried boots? "

Paddy says

" I want to slide in, not f**king march in! "

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?
"Under the wagon!"

---

Q)What does a Tampon, a Maxie pad, and Saddam hosain all have in common?
A)They all Irratate Bush.

Q)Whats warm and soft, when you go to bed, and hard, and stiff in the morning
A)Vomit

Q)Why do women have foreheads?
A)So men have a place to kiss them after a Blowjob

Q)Why did the guy buy his wife, a coat and a dildo for her birthday?
A)He figured if she dont like coat, she could go f**k herself

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table. ...Alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from. She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man. The note said "For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants.." After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I have a Ferrari testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over 20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches! Just send the bottle back

Coming from his friend Johnny's house, Tom asks his Grandma, "What is it called when one person sleeps on top of another person in the same bed?"

Grandma sighs and replies,"It's sexual intercourse darling."

Later that evening Tom gets home and says, "Granny you were wrong. It's called a double decker and Johnny's mom wants to speak to you."

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, Mom, what are those things on your chest?
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didnt forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and shell float to heaven.

Johnny thinks thats neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, Daddy! Daddy! Mommys dying!

His father says, Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommys dying?

Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys balloons and shes screaming, Oh God, Im coming!

-- Edited by owadkelly at 00:40, 2009-01-14

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how s he had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking the m over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?

Do i have to be here in the morning? But everybody looks funny naked! Do you smell something burning? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! But I just brushed my teeth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? When is this supposed to feel good? Is that *la*hd on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? No, really... I do this part better myself! Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? Is it in? That's it? You've got to be kidding me. Do i have to call you tomorrow? This sucks. Can you finish now? i have a meeting... zzzzzzzzzzzz. By the way, i want to break up. Haven't you ever done this before? A second time? i barely stayed awake the first time! God, that is small!! Your best-friend does it much better. Stop moaning, you sound so stupid. You know, you're not really attractive. I'm sorry, i was not listening. What, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!! It's ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger. Is it o.k. if i never see you again? All of a sudden i have a headache. You're boring. Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me! Just use your finger, its bigger. Get off me, i'll do it myself!!!! i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!! I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly! OK start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!! Of course I don't love you. Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

This last one, The two planes that crashed wer ecalled american airline and united airline, and look a the picture, one on one side and one on the other, which the two planes were. yo dhis is scary, there is ah one dollar bill one too

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.

The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.

"I bet" she stated.

"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"

"No," she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.

"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same
as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the w****, spend your last nine months floating . . . then finish off as an orgasm

Bell Ringer Fail

Soccer Fail

Exit Fail

Zorb Fail

Reporter Fail

Scare Fail

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where Im supposed to promise to love, honor and obey and be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

• Yo mamas breath is so bad that when she breathes, her teeth duck out of the way.
• Yo mamas breath is so bad, she could clear a chat room.
• Yo mamas breath is so stank, when she talks her lips go numb.
• Yo mamas breath is sooo bad, she made Close Up back up.
• Yo mamas breath stinks so bad, people look forward to her farts!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE! 1. Men ARE not mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, ]we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,hunting,fishing or golf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.

• The first surgeon said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.
• The second replied, I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.
• The third added, I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.
• The fourth one boasted, I like to operate on lawyers. Theyre heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.
• Fifth surgeon said, I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end

A blonde lady totaled her car in an awful accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from it without a scratch. So, she waited on the side of the road until the officer came to help her. He was in awe. "Ma'am your car looks like it was jumped on by a family of elephants! Are you okay?" he asked. "Oh yeah I'm fine," the blonde replied. Amazed, the officer examins the wrecked car and finally asks, "How in the world did this happen?" So the blonde lady said, "Well I was driving on this road and out of nowhere a tree popped up! So I swerved to the right and there was another tree! And I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! And THEN I swerved..." "Ma'am" the officer cut her off. "There isn't a tree on the road for 30 miles. That was your air freshner swinging back and forth."

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? because he ran out of juice

A man was gardening one day and came across a snail. The man picked up the snail and tossed it away. A month later the man was inside his house when he heard a knock at the door. The man opened the door to find a snail on the ground. The man just stared as the snail said in an angry voice "What was that for!"

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead! "How did that happen?" asked the doctor. "I think she choked to death," said the husband.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

These things are classic and no joke site can claim true supremacy on the world wide web without posting occassion light bulb jokes (yes weve done this before). So, without further ado - F&J will teach you how to change a light bulb (energy saving of course), no matter what stereotype you fit into

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A Real Woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Real Men arent afraid of the dark (guess the women are screwed).

Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor (ouch.. I cant believe I posted this one).

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semesters credit for it too.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Its the middle of winter, you probably havent looked at your pool in months and youre probably afraid to. Youve got no pool cover, nor have you even thought about installing one. Ignorance is bliss, and so is denial for that matter. Here are the top 10 signs that you need to really clean your pool

1. You know that green tarp covering your swimming pool? Its NOT a pool cover.
2. The kids in the neighborhood ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
3. The waters pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.
4. Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
5. Skipping rocks across the water causes sparks.
6. A new algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
7. The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
8. Dr. Kervorkian was seen filling IV bottles at pool side.
9. You havent seen that much scum since Mickey Rourkes last movie.
10. The amount of body hair found covering drain gives Prince Albert a run for his money.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didnt feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday. I thought Well, thats marriage for you, but the kids They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didnt say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a z****ie like fashion until about one oclock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, You know, its such a beautiful day outside, and its your Birthday, why dont we go out for lunch, just you and me. I said, Thanks, Joanne, thats the best thing Ive heard all day. Lets go!

We went to lunch but not where wed normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, You know, Its such a beautiful day We dont have to go right back to the office, do we? I replied with I suppose not. What do you have in mind? She said, Lets go to my apartment, its just around the corner.

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, Boss if you dont mind, Im goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. Ill be right back. Ok. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there

On the couch

Naked.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen.

Kill em all. Let God sort it out

Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.

Fight crime - Shoot back

Ever seen an UZI fired from a car window?

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made

Hang up and drive.

Im just driving this way to piss you off.

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Over [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says Surpise, its me the Hippie!

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says Surprise, its me the bus driver!

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "f**k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

01. America good place to put chinese restaurant.

02. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

03. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

04. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

05. He who refuses to listen is lying.

06. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

07. Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.

08. Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

09. Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth.

10. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

11. Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless.

12. He who sniffs Coke, drowns.

13. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

14. Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!

15. To make egg roll, push it.

16. Woman who put detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...

17. He who fart in church sit in own pew.

18. He who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key.

19. Man who pick nose - head cave in.

20. Fly which rest on toilet seat gets pissed off.

21. Woman who put chicken and peas in soup, very unhygienic.

22. Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.

23. Man who pees into strong wind gets wet.

24. Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks.

25. Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.

26. Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.

27. All men eat, but Fu Manchu.

28. Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.

29. Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.

30. People who make Confucious joke speak bad English.

31. Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house.

32. Confucious say: I didn't say that!!!

33. Confucious say: Blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem.

No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

...(REMEMBER, this is TRUE)...

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.