Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
A girl walks into a sexshop and she looks around.
She sees many toys but she doesnt know which one to pick.
So she walks up to the counter and asks the storeowner what the best dildo is at this time.
The owner shows her a few models but she isnt satisfied.
Then the owner says that he has this new model, just out on the market: The Voodoopenis.
He explains her how to use it.
You have to throw it up in the air, say its name twice and name the place you want it to 'work on'.
The woman buys it, gets in her car and takes off.
While driving she realises that the man told a pretty unbelievable story, but she decides to give it a try.
She throws it up in the air and says: VoodooPenis, VoodooPenis between my legs.
The VoodooPenis responds immedeately. While driving the woman is almost reaching an orgasm and starts drivin like a nutjob.
A cop spots her and after a small chase he pulls her over. He walks up to her car and asks if she drank too much.
She replies that its not due to drinking but because of her voodoopenis.
The cop offcourse doesnt believe it and replies: VoodooPenis? VoodooPenis my ass!!
She sees many toys but she doesnt know which one to pick.
So she walks up to the counter and asks the storeowner what the best dildo is at this time.
The owner shows her a few models but she isnt satisfied.
Then the owner says that he has this new model, just out on the market: The Voodoopenis.
He explains her how to use it.
You have to throw it up in the air, say its name twice and name the place you want it to 'work on'.
The woman buys it, gets in her car and takes off.
While driving she realises that the man told a pretty unbelievable story, but she decides to give it a try.
She throws it up in the air and says: VoodooPenis, VoodooPenis between my legs.
The VoodooPenis responds immedeately. While driving the woman is almost reaching an orgasm and starts drivin like a nutjob.
A cop spots her and after a small chase he pulls her over. He walks up to her car and asks if she drank too much.
She replies that its not due to drinking but because of her voodoopenis.
The cop offcourse doesnt believe it and replies: VoodooPenis? VoodooPenis my ass!!
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embara**ed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embara**ed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."
The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.
Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.
He told her to climb again and she did.
when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."
The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.
Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.
He told her to climb again and she did.
when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:
wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.
wife: i'm flat chested.
husband: i don't believe u..prove it.
So she takes off her shirt.
husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.
husband: im "weighed like a baby".
wife: i don't believe you, prove it.
So he takes off his pants.
wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!
wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.
wife: i'm flat chested.
husband: i don't believe u..prove it.
So she takes off her shirt.
husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.
husband: im "weighed like a baby".
wife: i don't believe you, prove it.
So he takes off his pants.
wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead P**y.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
Mother, where do babies come from?
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommys vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.
Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.
Mother, where do babies come from?
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommys vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.
Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.
the perfect day The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli *lo**y Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, B****ay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli *lo**y Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, B****ay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
check out these pics!!!!!
-- Edited by gullygallis at 01:50, 2008-07-29
-- Edited by gullygallis at 01:50, 2008-07-29
A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.
His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
So what say the friends, flip her over.
"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
"Halitosis" the man says.
"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to go fishing."
His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
So what say the friends, flip her over.
"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
"Halitosis" the man says.
"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to go fishing."
The real reason why we grind our teeth in our sleep?
And then you wonder why you have a bad taste in your mouth in the morning!
And then you wonder why you have a bad taste in your mouth in the morning!
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
Rated_Xmas_-_28_Adult_Christmas_Tunes - 160VBR
01 - Christmas Blow - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
02 - Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis - Matt Rogers - Rated
Xmas.mp3
03 - Christmas Time For My P - - Is - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
04 - Christmas - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
05 - Depressed Christmas - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
06 - Dfchristmas - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
07 - Frosty The Pervert - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
08 - Hannibal Lecter's Christmas Song - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
09 - I Love To Choke My Chicken With My Hand - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
10 - If It Doesn't Snow For Christmas - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
11 - 12 Days of Christmas - John Valby - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
12 - Joy To The Girls - John Valby - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
13 - Menopause Is Comin' - John Valby - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
14 - Homo Christmas - Pansy Division - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
15 - Rudolph The Deep Throat Reindeer - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
16 - Santa Got Caught Fondling A Reindeer - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
17 - 'twas The Night Before Xxxmas - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
18 - Stiffy The Snowman - Wackjobs - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
19 - White Christmas - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
20 - Who Put the Dick on the Snowman - Bob & Tom - Matt Rogers - Rated
Xmas.mp3
21 - Butch The Gay Santa Claus - Cherry Poppin Daddies - Matt Rogers - Rated
Xmas.mp3
22 - Merry Mutha F'n Christmas - Easy E - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
23 - O Come Emmanuel - John Valby - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
24 - Rum-Pum-Pum - John Valby - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
25 - Winter Wonderland - John Valby - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
26 - Have A Pornographic Christmas - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
27 - I Saw Mommy F'n Santa Claus - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
28 - Christmas Is a Comin' - The Shitbirds - Matt Rogers - Rated Xmas.mp3
A young wife, who was becoming frusrated with her young husbands'constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of
their marriage.
While
getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are
leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am
coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refigerator and notices that her note hasbeen replaced with a note from her husband that
reads,
"Baby, I didnt' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TONIGHT
5.TOMORROW
6. TATURDAY
7. TUNDAY
8. Every Tucking Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. I love you too, and it's still TODAY, I'm waiting for you upstairs."
One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans P**y.
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
-- Edited by jepomaxxx at 00:05, 2008-11-12
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
-- Edited by jepomaxxx at 00:05, 2008-11-12
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a p*u**y to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit. Using a knife he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvot he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fith was a fisherman, nasty as hell. Threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whos name was McGee. Touched it and blessed it and said it could pea.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and f**ked it and called it a cu*t.
First was a butcher, smart with wit. Using a knife he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvot he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fith was a fisherman, nasty as hell. Threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whos name was McGee. Touched it and blessed it and said it could pea.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and f**ked it and called it a cu*t.
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years
July 29, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 15 Comments
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds
fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in your oatmeal!"
at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds
fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in your oatmeal!"
A woman recently lost her husband......
July 29, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 24 Comments
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
An 85-year-old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, its like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?
The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the jar open.
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, its like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?
The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the jar open.
A professer gave his class an assignment, and the only reason for not finishing it would be if you were sick or a close relative died.
So this guy raised his hand and said " What about sexual exhaustion?"
The whole class burst out laughing.
After the laughter died down the professer replied " Maybe you should consider using the other hand!!!!!"
BIG DISS!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So this guy raised his hand and said " What about sexual exhaustion?"
The whole class burst out laughing.
After the laughter died down the professer replied " Maybe you should consider using the other hand!!!!!"
BIG DISS!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
What about you Kevin, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted...
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
What about you Kevin, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted...
3 men walk into a bar.
After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.
The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.
The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.
Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.
The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".
As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."
After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.
The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.
The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.
Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.
The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".
As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains:
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created Burger King, and Burger King brought forth the $3.20 double-Whopper, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man cl**tched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw that and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...
And Satan created private health insurance
And Satan created Burger King, and Burger King brought forth the $3.20 double-Whopper, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man cl**tched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw that and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...
And Satan created private health insurance
-- Edited by owadkelly at 00:03, 2008-11-02
Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes were walking through the park when they passed three women eating bananas.
"Ah", said Holmes, " I see a spinster, a prostitute and a newlywed."
"Amazing, Holmes!", said Dr Watson, "How did you deduce that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. "See how the spinster breaks the banana into small pieces before possing them into her mouth? Whilst the prostitute in the middle holds the banana in both hands."
"Yes, Holmes, but how do you know the other one is newlywed?"
"Well", said Holmes," she's holding the banana with one hand and thumping herself on the back of the head with the other."
A Lady went to the hospital for emergency service.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!".
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!".
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Pillow Talk
A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
He says, This is the pig I have sex with when youve got a headache.
His wife replies, I think youll find, that is a sheep.
I think youll find I was talking to the sheep.
A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
He says, This is the pig I have sex with when youve got a headache.
His wife replies, I think youll find, that is a sheep.
I think youll find I was talking to the sheep.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope ....Lol
July 29, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 17 Comments
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
Little Harold was hopping on one foot then the other.
"I gotta piss! I gotta piss!", he cried to his mother in front of her friends.
Mother took him to the toilet and explained to him that next time he wanted to go to the toilet, he should not use those words. She said he should come in and talk quietly - "That's a whisper" she said.
Two hours later, Harold came rushing in again.
"I wanna whisper! I wanna whisper!", he said.
His mother knew what he wanted and took him to the toilet, after which he was rewarded with a candy bar.
That night the urge came on again. Harold jumped out of bed and ran to his father.
"What is it, son?", his father asked.
"I wanna whisper, Daddy. I wanna whisper."
"O.K. son, come here and whisper in my ear."
|
No New Posts | 
|
New Posts |
|
Topic is Closed | 
|
Sticky |