Forum: Funny Stuff
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
"Those are sperm cells."
::
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
For those that dont know, being the boss is a tough job. Expectations, requirations (is that even a word?), etc. - really hard work and stuff. If you didnt already know, heres the 10 major differences between you (the worker) and your (wonderful) boss.
- When you take a long time, youre slow. When your boss takes a long time, hes thorough.
- When you dont do it, youre lazy. When your boss doesnt do it, hes too busy.
- When you make a mistake, youre an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, hes only human.
- When doing something without being told, youre overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, thats initiative.
- When you take a stand, youre being pig-headed. When your boss does it, hes being firm.
- When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, youre being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, hes being original.
- When you please your boss, youre arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, hes being co-operative.
- When youre out of the office, youre wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, hes on business.
- When youre on a day off sick, youre always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
- When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, its because hes overworked.
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth and her husband on it (instead of a ring binder).
You used to listen to Redifussion.
You wore Bata crepe to school, and bought Asham at the gate.
(Extra credit if you know what Asham was made of)
You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to come on at 7:00 PM on a Sunday.
You know what the initials T. A. D. P. stand for.
You know who Tony Verity was.
You can name more than two of the characters in a Jonkanoo band.
You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held.
You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or slingshots in a store ... you made them yourself.
You know what Fanta and Nu Grape are.
You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are.
You got a washout and worm medicine at the end of summer holidays.
Your school graduation was called 'prize-giving.'
You still call Norman Manley airport 'Palisadoes Airport'.
You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a closet.
You remember when people used to go to the airport, and come back with a twang.
You still want to go to the airport just to stand on the waving gallery.
When you hear classical music on the radio you still ask: 'Is who dead now?'
You still refer to any smooth stretch of road as 'Barber Greene'.
You still use words like 'bine' and 'clyde' and know the difference between both.
IF YOU CAN RELATE TO ALL OF THE ABOVE, THEN YOU PROBABLY HAVE LIMACOL AND BAY RUM (MAYBE EVEN A BOTTLE OF FERROL) ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND, AND VERY POSSIBLY A CHIMMEY UNDER YOUR BED!
Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
A liar.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?
How can you tell when a politician is lying?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
If you cant drink and drive, why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor and why do bars have parking lots?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game when were already there?
If youre cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression to get fired.
Canada is an Indian word meaning Big Village.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hanc**k and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasnt added until 5 years later.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Every time you lick a stamp, youre consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase rule of thumb is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldnt beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
An ostrichs eye is bigger than its brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds!
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The term the whole 9 yards came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got the whole 9 yards.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The very first b**** dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Dr. Seuss pronounced Seuss such that it rhymed with rejoice.
The word samba means to rub navels together.
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said Play it again, Sam.
The term, Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, No eye gouging. Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someones eye out.
A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Hersheys Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.
Sherlock Holmes never said Elementary, my dear Watson.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
Money isnt made out of paper, its made out of cotton.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his *lo**-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, Tonight Im the designated decoy.
who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule
applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the
point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you
listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
"That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."
| An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now." |
| There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and "dress decent". ''No, I want to show off my rosebuds!'' she said and bounded out the door. The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. ''Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarra**ed!'' ''No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.'' |
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her cigarette.
It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.
A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.
"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."
She tries to drown it!
| A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarra**ed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'' |
used protection?
A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
-- Edited by stewartlil at 20:33, 2008-07-02
Usain Bolt, Asafa, Aleen & Others Partying at a Club in Beijing
H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
P.E.R.U. - Phorget Everyone... Remember Us.
T.H.A.I.L.A.N.D - Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull
P.A.K..I..S.T.A.N: PureAffectionKeepingInSoulTrue...And...Endless
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle J Wray & Nephew Overproof Rum
Sample the rum to check quality.
Select a large bowl.
Check the rum again, to be sure it is of the highest quality ... pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer ... Beat one cup of butter in the large bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar ... Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the rum is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 heggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit ... pick the frigging fruit up off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the rum.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefin ... whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the rum and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
He goes to his nearest grocery store and asks the shop assistant if they have any apples.
The lady at the counter leads him to the apples and he says "Are these them? they seem to be the size of golf balls compared to the ones in America!" Anyway, he decides to buy them and leaves.
The next day he comes back and asks if they have any oranges.
The same lady as the day before leads him to the oranges and he says, "Is that what oranges are in this country, they're tiny, i'll call these satsumas!"
He again buys them and leaves.
The woman is a little fed up with him and that evening decides to tell her husband the whole story. He tells her that he'll sort the problem out!
The next day the American arrives at the store and goes straight to the counter. The man behind the counter asks if he may be of any service, and the American asks what happened to the woman who was there the day before. and the man replies that she had a personal problem and wasn't in today.
The American then asks kindly if they have any watermelons in stock, and the man replies that he is sold out. The American is a little confused due to him seeing a pile of watermelons not ten feet away and he points to them whilst asking the man, "Well, what are these then?"
The man replies. "Oh, they are OLIVES!"
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc. "How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees", he asked. The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said -
"No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister !!
A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
So he said, "Have you got any nuns in the whole world as short as me??" and the nun said, "Er, no......".
His mate then said to him, "Sorry mate. I told you you did it with a penguin".
One day, a little boy is watching his Saturday cartoons. His mother is on the phone in the room. She is getting extremely pissed. Finally, she slams down the phone screaming "BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!" The boy turns around and asks, "What does that mean, Mommy?" Realizing her mistake, the mom quickly says, "Uh, ladies and gentlemen."
The boy accepts this answer and later goes to bed after dinner. But that night he has a bad dream. He goes to tell his parents about it, and as he walks in, he sees the two screwing. The mom says "Feel my boobies", and the man says, "Feel my dick". The boy asks what that means. The two, shocked, said "Hats and coats! Hats and coats!"
The next evening, the boy is watching his dad shave. He cuts his lip with his razor. "Sh*t!!" the dad yells. The boy, quizzically, asks what THAT means. The dad quickly says, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using!"
Now the boy goes downstairs and sees his mom cutting a turkey. She cuts her finger. "F**k!!!!" she screams. The boy asks what that means. "Uh... cut!" she says instantly.
Now the grandarents arrive for supper. The little boy says, "Hi, bitches and bastards! Hang your boobies and dicks on the coat rack. Dad's upstairs putting Sh*t on his face, and mom's in the kitchen f**king the chicken!" The grandparents faint.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning '*lo***u*king creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
The barman replied "I can't serve you, your stoned!"
Many people had tried over time...weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came into the restaurant, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
Afer the laughter died down, the head waiter agreed to let the fragile man try, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the waiter paid the $1000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, construction worker, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!! Up in the c**kpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're going to get killed!"
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
One day they found a tourist plane taking tourist on rides over the Grand Canyon. The couple went up to the pilot and asked, "How much for a ride?"
"50 bucks," replied the pilot
"50 bucks is 50 bucks," said the couple.
Ever time the pilot returned for another flight, the couple asked the same question, and every time they got the same answer.
Finally at the end of the day they asked the pilot again.
The pilot said, "If you don't say anything the whole ride, I'll let you go for free."
So the couple got onto the plane, and didn't say a word the whole time. When the plane finally landed the pilot turned around to find only the husband sitting behind him.
"Where is your wife?" asked the pilot
"Well, when you did that last loop, she fell out and I didn't want to say anything, cause 50 bucks is 50 bucks."
The old man says, "One order of clacked clab, prease." The hair on Nick's neck stood up but he took the order and
served the man. Every night for 3 years, the same thing....one night the old man comes in and orders .
Nick couldn't take it any longer and says, "listen, it's one order of cracked
crab,please. got that? Now leave and don't come back till you can say that!!
Months go by and one night Nick looks over and there's the little Chinese man at his usual table.
Nick walks over and asks him what he'd like, the little Chinese man looked Nick in the eye and says, "I'd like one order of cracked crab...you Gleek plick!"
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,
and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in.
"P....E....N....I....S.."
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****
"What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's
drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted p*u**yy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
He was afraid that his dentist would notice the smell of pums in his mouth, so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and on top of that he used 5 liters of listerine.
As he arrived at his dentist office, he *u*ked 5 mint candies. His turn then came up so he was welcomed in by his dentist, who told Johnny to have a seat on the chair.
Feeling confident & well relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough to his mouth and said:
-'Man, why yuh do 69 before yuh come to mi office?'
-What's up Doc? Does my mouth smell like pums?
-No, yuh mouth smell good, but yuh forehead smell like .
-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ at 13:26, 2009-01-16
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