They often say women are smarter than men but i heard this joke the other day and i had to share lol ... NUH PANTY RULING !!! LOL


A man and his wife decide they are going camping for the weekend, while at the camp site a large bear finds his way to their camp, frightened by the sudden intrusion the couple takes off running for dear life only to have the dear follow closely behind. The husband who was fully equipped for the camping trip with his timberland boots, decided that his boots were slowing him down and while running got them off.


The wife looking quite suprised turned to him and said " Do you really think taking off your shoes will make u run faster than the bear? "

The husband panting while running turns to his wife and says" No dear i jus need to run faster than you"

Whe r as ready as we will eva b

da difference between fake frenz n real frenz..

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: are the reason you have no food.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we f**ked up ... but that shit was fun!"

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "b*t*h drink the rest of that you know we don't waste."

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the f**k out

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Would ignore this
REAL FRIENDS: Will repost

-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ at 20:53, 2009-01-31

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Its Kinda funny but yeh picknee nuh easy ah tall

-- Edited by Dezzy at 12:50, 2009-01-31

---

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 26 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...

...and wash your damn hands!!!

---

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner. The man decided, What the hell, Ill try it. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldnt do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, What? He heard, This is the police. Whats going on down there? The man replied, Im checking out the rear axle, its busted. Came the reply, Well, you might as well check your brakes too while youre down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:  

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

 

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.""Me first! Me
first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in theBahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Pouf! She's gone."Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supplyof Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Pouf! He's gone."OK, yo u 're up,"
the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O Lord please, let us trade back." The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night!!!"

Little Billy Lara was at school one morning when the teacher asked all
the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, company
CEO, etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the
teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a
cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Little
Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for the West Indies, but I was just
too embarra**ed to say." 

>What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, 
>and 78 ?
>
>
>At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
>
>At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
>
>At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
>
>At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
>
>At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
>
>At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
>
>At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
>
>At 78 -- What story???  What bed???  Who the hell are you

---

Mind your language
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

A man was in his front yard mowing gra**, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in.

A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by the neighbors actions the man asked, Is something wrong?

There certainly is! the neighbor replied. My stupid computer keeps saying, YOUVE GOT MAIL.

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dm8hOG6DcnU&rel=1&border=0"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dm8hOG6DcnU&rel=1&border=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. 'Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?' Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, 'A bird.' The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Portland hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The Rasta said, 'Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I man.... guess I man mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I man deh ya.' The police went t o the beach, found the little girl, and asked her 'What did you do to that naked Rasta?' After a pause, the girl replied, 'me neva do nutten to him? Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wuEcLjbUS1E&feature=related

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 15:13, 2007-12-23

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

two gyal a sidung pon it 1 time

---

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney calledhis first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You thinkyou're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and ina very quiet voice said, "If either of you @$$h***s asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the f****** electric chair!"

EVERYBODY AGO  NAME DEM PICKNEY OBAMA ALL OBAMALITA 2 RAHTID

http://www.videosift.com/video/How-to-respond-when-a-girl-says-she-has-a-boyfriend-1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PqI12R8YNU&eurl=http://www.tagged.com/mypage.html?uid=4575338661&feature=player_embedded

1 of da big 5

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?


A: Because he heard little boys pants were half off.


-- Edited by Gucci at 19:31, 2008-02-17

Big head...Big Belly...Mawga Foot

They all had disabilities which they knew of, which they try there best to be most careful.

Big head-if him nod him head bruk off
Big Belly- if him laugh too hard him belly burst
mawga Foot-if him run him foot dem broke up

One day dem set off to school when they saw a ripe mango in a mango tree. Big head climb the tree and feel it, Big Belly seh it ripe? Big Head mouth did full sohim nod him head and it drop off.

Big Belly start laugh at him till him belly burst and mawga foot a run go back home fi tell him mommy, when his foot jus bruk up in pieces.

One day 2 fisherman went out at sea on their daily job, the wave rock the boat so hard that 1 of the man fell out.

The man couldnt swim that well so he called for help; he shouted for: JESAS, JAH, GAD, LAAWD GAD help mi, but no1 came to his rescue, nto even his friend helped him.

Later on  that day when the people ask him y he never helped his friends, he replied; "all along di man a drown, him call almost everybody name and me deh right beside a him and him never shout i, so mi figure him never waah mi fi help him"

[youtube=http://www.pepreinvent.com/pepsimaxvideo1.html]



http://www.pepreinvent.com/pepsimaxvideo2

-- Edited by IWALLACE12 at 09:30, 2009-01-29

-- Edited by IWALLACE12 at 09:32, 2009-01-29

[youtube=http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw]