[video=]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


        *     *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


         *     *     *     *     *      *    *     *     *     *     *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


            *          *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


Little Johnny'skindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'   Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


          *     *     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *       *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction withhis father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'   His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.   Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

 

-- Edited by shamar at 19:03, 2009-03-02

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives,
however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking
home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was. lucky enough to squat down next  to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she used the ribbon. After the girls did
their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst .. . my wife came home with no p anties!

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a note stuck to her ass that said,
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."

an old couple is celebrating their golden wedding at the same hotel they had their wedding party 50 years ago. late at night they´re both sitting on the bed in the same suite they spent their wedding night. the man says:"do you remember how i cut my finger and let some *lo** drop onto the bed so that they believed you were still a virgin?"
the woman looks at him and replies:"Now do you expect me to gob onto the sheets so that they believe you still can?"

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 21:04, 2009-03-03

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 21:05, 2009-03-03

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me Janice, who created the universe? When Janice didnt stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

God Almighty! shouted Janice and the teacher said, Very good and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, Who is our Lord and Saviour. But, Janice didnt even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

Jesus Christ! shouted Janice and the teacher said, Very good, and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, If you stick me with that thing one more time, Ill break it in half and stick it up your ass!

the teacher fainted!

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

 

-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ at 09:09, 2009-03-07

1. Tech Support calls YOU for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someones screen name while making love to your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so we can hang out.

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. Youve even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know youre going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.

14. When someone says What did you say? you reply Scroll up!

15. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say BRB or BBL.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people wont know youre on-line again.

17. You stop speaking in full sentences.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You double click your TV remote.

20. You would rather tell people that your *lo**shot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, Mommy, please come and cook dinner and you would rather type another LOL.

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

24. You wont work at a job that doesnt have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while youre chatting & you think uh oh cyber sex perv.

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

35. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Being called a Newbie is a MAJOR insult.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is Ill slap ya w/a rubber chicken!

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOLs welcome screen.

42. You dont know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

45. You dont even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL.

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist so addicted to chatrooms youre now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

[video= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PqI12R8YNU]

I WOULD RECOMMENED THIS FOR U IF UR A GUY.......











HELL NO............









-- Edited by Dj Quiva at 16:25, 2009-03-03

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.






3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the
> > examining room, he told the doctor, 'Don't
> > laugh!'
> > 'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said.
> > 'I'm a professional. In more than twenty years,
> > I've never laughed at a patient.'
> > 'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop
> > his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the
> > doctor had ever seen.
> >
> >
> > It wasn't any bigger than, a triple A battery.
> > Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
> > then fell to the floor, laughing hysterically.
> >
> >
> > Ten minutes later, he was finally able to struggle to his
> > feet and regain his composure.
> > 'I'm so sorry,' he said. 'I really am'.
> > I don't know what came over me.
> >
> >
> > On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will
> > never happen again.
> > Now, what seems to be the problem?'
> > 'It's swollen,' the man replied.
> > Back on the floor went the urologist.

hehehe wonder how long that stay on deh

Q) What do you call a nurse with dirty knees
A) The Head Nurse

...................................................................................................

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,

"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."


At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,


"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"

..........................................................................................................

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous,"

The first kid says, "you've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze,"

The second kid then asks, "what are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

.......................................................................................................

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly guy. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."

"$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?"

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blowjobs."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous."

"You see that building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12 story building.

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best Tell me, what'll it cost me for some p*u**yy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that."

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a p*u**yy, I'd own Manhattan

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarra**ing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

this is chris brown b4 he got famous and money began to be spenton his appearance

[video=http://www.youtube.com/watch?vd_rARxl7k]

d_rARxl7k">http://www.youtube.com/watch?vd_rARxl7k

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 21:39, 2009-03-03

and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

the men to a large metal door and handed

him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

in a chair .. . . kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.  



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to

beat him to death with the  damn chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

 

THE KILLED NEMO FATHER