A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? > >(because they are plugged into a genius) > >2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? > >(they don't have enough time) > >3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? > >(they don't stop to ask directions) > >4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? > >(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) > >You're laughing, aren't you?!?! > >5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? > >(so they won't hump women's legs at c**ktails parties) > >6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? > >(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) > >7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? > >(don't know.....its never happened) > >And my personal favorite: > >8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? > >(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-- Edited by BABY on Saturday 14th of March 2009 02:36:38 AM
An elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the old man leans over and says to his wife, Dear, theres something I have to ask you. Its always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of the kids. I must know: Did he have a different father?
The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. Yes, she admits. He does.
Tears well up in the old mans eyes. Please, he says, would you tell me who it was?
The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, You.
AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The
hills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering
them. I love it here.
OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned
all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the
beautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they
are the most wonderful animal on Earth. This must be paradise. I love it
here.
NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to
kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon, I love it here.
DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and
when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a
beautiful place. I love Ohio.
DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick
again to the driveway. I love it here.
DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work. I am exhausted from shoveling. f**king snowplow.
DEC. 22 More of that white s**t fell last night. I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and
waits till I'm done shoveling. Asshole.
DEC. 25 Merry f**king Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my
hands on that sonofab**h who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill the
b****d. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
f***ing ice.
DEC. 27 More of that White Shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except
for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time.
Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit. The
weatherman says to expect another 10 of the s**t again tonight. Do you
know how many shovels full 10 of snow is?
DEC. 28 The f***ing weatherman was Wrong. We got 34 of that white s**t
this time. At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer.
The snowplow got stuck up the road and that b****d came to the door and
asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels
already shovelling the white s**t he pushed into my driveway, I broke my
last one right over his f**kin' Head!
JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it.
Did about USD3000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those f***ing beasts should
be killed. Wished the hunters had got them all last November.
MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
m***rf**ker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the
roads?
MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind
wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.
LOOK LIKE THIS SHIT CAN HOLD LIKE 5 QUAD CORE PROCCESORS............AAND DUNNING WINDOWS 20 OR SO.............LOL..........BUT WHO WOULD REALLY BYE THIS...........A PC SHAPE OUT LIKE A BIG COFFIN
With the impending financial crunch staring us down and cautioning a wiser approach to spending, it's good to know that the moneyed Londoner still has ample opportunity to disgorge his or her cash on the finer things. Case in point: a Sloane Square department store is selling cat-excreted coffee for £50 a cup.
Customers at Peter Jones can now sample Caffe Raro, a blend of Jamaican Blue Mountain and Kopi Luwak beans that is considered to be the world's most expensive coffee. At £324 per kilo, it's the Kopi Luwak beans that are responsible for the cost, and the unorthodox path they take from the ground to your cup explains why.
The story begins in the plantations of Indonesia, where the cat-like Asian Palm Civet, which has a rarefied palate, judiciously gobbles only the finest samples of Sumatran coffee berry. The berry takes a whirlwind tour through the picky moggy's digestive tract, which breaks down the fruit's flesh before dumping it out the other end. Workers then collect the remains, wash away the excess matter, and hand-roast them for twelve minutes in order to "maximise the potential of each coffee". Delish.
According to this taste test from a few years ago, the brew is "chocolatey, with undertones of molasses and tobacco", although another connoisseur dismisses it as "gamey" while one is convinced it's just like Earl Grey. Hmm.
Profits from all sales in April are going to Macmillan Cancer Support, but even so, we're not entirely convinced that shelling out 50 bones for something that came out of kitty's behind is a wise move.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to beconfronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner: 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!'
Believe it or not. Woman hasManin it; Mrs. hasMr . in it; Female hasMalein it; She hasHein it; Madam hasAdam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women! Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back betweenthelegs of a woman.... Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MEN opause GUYnecologist AND .. When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS terectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start withMEN? ...
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
A man sees a beautiful woman. Approaching her, and in his coolest Barry White tone says: " If good looks where a minute, you would be an hour" The woman looks deep into the man's eyes and in her sexiest voice replies: "If good looks were within your reach, you wouldnt have any arms."
So a man goes to a doctor & say he has a problem with his right leg. He asks the doctor to listen to his inner thigh with a stethoscope. The doctor although not quite sure what this will achieve, obliges. He is astonished when he hears a voice saying "gimmie 50 dollars yu prick, come on I need 50 dollars" He looks at the patient with a perplexed face & the man says "thats nothing, check out down further." So the doctor listens now the the patients knee. He hears another voice saying "I really need 100 doallars yu f**ker, gimmie the money, I need 100 dollars" By now the doctor is scratching his head, totally blow away by what he is hearing in a mans leg. The patient says try even lower. So the doctor listens to the patients ankle & hears another voice "Hey, Yu, Muthaf**ker. Gimmie 150 dollars I need some f**king money I want 150 dollars now" The doctor turn to the patient & says "I really don't know how to diagnose this problem but I can tell you this, your leg is BROKE in 3 places"
Things I learned from the movies
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.
At night, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the present day it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. It only wastes time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. Hewanted to dig hisYellow Yam and Sweet PotatoGarden, but it wasvery hard work as theground was hard.His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The oldman wrote a letter to his son and described hispredicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because itlooks like I won'tbe able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet PotatoGarden this year. I'mjust getting too old to be digging up a gardenplot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know youwould be happy to digthe plot for me....
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from hisson:
Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where Iburied the bodies. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and localpolice arrived anddug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized tothe old man and left. That same day the old man received anotherletter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoesnow. That's thebest I could do under the circumstances.
Subject: Does size matter? > > > > > > Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy > > had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. > > > > She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts > > at the maturity of a 12 year old. > > > > He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, > > Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
> > also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.."I > > too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I > > hope you could deal with that once we are married. > > > > She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant > > size penis."Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for > > the Honeymoon. > > > > Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started > > touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandy put her hands in > > Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran > > after her to find out what was wrong. She said, You told me your > > penis was the size of an infant!" Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 > > ounces, 19 inches long!!"
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Guyanese and Trinis: Three Guyanese and three Trinis travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the 3 Trinis buy a ticket each and watch as the three Guyanese buy just one ticket. "How allyuh goin on only one ticket?" asks one of the Trinis. "Watch nah," answers one of the Guyanese. They all board the train. The Trinis take their respective seats but all three Guyanese cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says," Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Trinis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Guyanese style on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Guyanese dont buy a ticket at all !!! "Whey boy! Whah happen tuh all allyuh? How allyuh travelling without a ticket?" says one perplexed Trini. "Abey know how fuh wuk ting. Watch nah" answers a Guyanese. When they board the train the three Trinis cram into one toilet and soon after the three Guyanese cram into another nearby toilet. The train departs.Shortly afterwards, one of the Guyanese leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Trinis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The Guyanese takes the ticket and goes back into his toilet. :)))
This is crime story! 5 Friends lived in 1 room: MAD, BRAIN, FOOL,NOBODY & SOMEBODY.
One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. AT thAt time BRAIN was in the BATHROOM. MAD called the Police. MAD:'is it the police station?' Police: 'yes, what is the matter?' MAD: 'SOMEBODY killed NOBODY' Police:'are you MAD?' MAD: 'yes i'm MAD' Police: 'do u have a BRAIN?' MAD: BRAIN is in the Bathroom....' Police: 'you FOOL!!!!' MAD: 'No sir....FOOL is reading this joke.....'lol
A Chocolate Bar Story One , wanted to . So he took Miss to a and then to the Motel on to show her some . He began to feel her that were pure . It made her . He thought "This is !" He let out a as his went up her and caused a . She screamed '', as she grabbed his and squeezed his . Miss said; 'Your are even better than the '. To which replied; 'When you're this size they call you . Now and we"ll have some again'. Soon she was a bit and nine months later she had a
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said.You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife, The agent replies, Then youre not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife. The agent replies, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!
10. "They told me at the *lo** bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
I saw this and I didn't even know where to put it, but i had to put it. It's from some site.
"Women are so stupid, sometimes it amazes me. Now, my girlfriends birthday just passed, and I decided to buy her a blender, so she could experiment in the kitchen. Do you know what she made me for breakfast? A f**king cup-of-toast. She just passed her driving test, so she asked me to get her 'something to run around in' .. I'm gonna buy her a tracksuit. I know you don't all agree about women being stupid, but how many time have you heard this.. "Don't look now, but look who's over there", or "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is! Who is gonna keep looking after they have found it? Idiot. Now a few months back I broke up with a girl, I did it gently, you know, told her it wasn't working out, and that I didn't want it anymore, so she agreed, but said "Before you go, make me feel like a woman one last time". So not to be impolite, I ripped my shirt off and said "Iron this". Now when I say all women are stupid, I don't mean a few of them, or most of them, I mean every single last one of them. Our lass is thick, how many of you have heard of a gravy knife? She can't cook either, she burnt my corn flakes, and boiled my ice-cream. I shouldn't mock her, I love every hair on that womans lip. I feel women need boundaries, these should include kitchen, bedroom and toilet privileges, sex on command, and blow jobs at the snap of a finger. All women should be free prostitutes, and answer to 'wench'. The smartest thing ever to come out of a womans mouth? Einstein's dick. Marriage is too expensive, you need a dress, a ring with a diamond the size (and price) of a small Caribbean island, a suit, clothes for best man, bridesmaid, page boys, etc... then booking rooms, caterers .. the list goes on. But at least you save money of a dishwasher. Women shouldn't drive either, there is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen. In conclusion, men are, always have been, and always will be smarter than women."
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