This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a *lo** curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his *lo**stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's s o ric h that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, a nd he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, 'Wha gwaan?'
The monkey says, 'Yu wan some?.' So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they burn the herb.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, goes to the river and leans over to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so high that he leans too far over, and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard, helping him to the side, then asks, 'What's the matter with you?'
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree smoking a spliff with a monkey and got too stoned, which caused him to fall intothe river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's got to check this monkey out and walks off, where he finds the tree and the monkey is still sitting and puffing on hisjoint.
He looks up and says 'Hey you!' The Monkey looks down and says, 'A wah de *lo**claat dis?!.......A how much water you drink?!!
01-Angella 02-Gang Bang Jackie 03-Big Hole Gal 04-Chicken N' Flour 05-Gal Get Prim 06-Half Way Tree 07-Mother Send Mi A Shop 08-Sell Bag Juice 09-Spugy Run This 10-Gal Don't Play
What do you call an afghan virgin Mever bin laid on
How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
Why does a squirrle swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa." "A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked. "Mi noh know, " the little girl said.
The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died!
Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK He felt safe in the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "Yuh neva come 'ome dis late before, wha happen?" "Mi no waan talk 'bout it," he said. "Mi jus 'ave de worst day a mi life." "Yuh tink yuh had a bad day?" the wife exclaimed. "You'll neva believe wha happen. Dis mahnin, Desmond next door, drap dead pan de varandah."
Barrack Obama and Sarah Palin were sitting by each other on a plane. Obama thinking Palin was an Alaskan redneck thought he could make some easy money by tricking her into playing a game.
He told her," If I ask you a question, and you don't know it, then you pay me five dollars. If I don't know one of your questions, I'll pay you FIVE HUNDRED dollars.
Palin agreed and Obama began the game by asking, "How many miles is it from the Sun to Jupiter?"
Not knowing Palin paid him five dollars.
Then Palin asked Obama," What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
After long hours of researching and consulting everyone he knew... he finally gave up and paid the five hundred dollars to Palin.
Then Obama asked, "So...what's the answer. What goes up the hill with three legs and comes down with four?
Believe it or not these are real 911 calls from Nashville.
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller:I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher:Do you havean address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller :Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher :Excuse me? Caller :I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher :Was anything else taken? Caller :No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher:This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher:Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher:9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller:My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher:Is this her first child? Caller:No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher:9-1-1 Caller:Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher:Sir, where are you calling from? Caller:I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: !Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller:N o Dispatcher:What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller:Running from the Police
Reporter: Mavado why you run at sting: Mavado: Well a me did sing say we moving out of sight, me a di the fastest man inna life, me faster than car and bike, we going me going me gone
Reporter: Do you think you won at sting Mavado: But of course, me plan and left with me bands so Jerky never have no riddim Fi dj pan
Reporter: Were you nervous on stage Mavado: No sah, you know a me sing so special(special education) so it was just a natural thing
Reporter: Whats next for Mavado Mavado: Well hear me now a overcome and so special me say
Reporter: When can we hear another diss song Mavado: Well when me find a song writer hopefully in a few months me can tek some time off from the barber shop and do it.
Reporter: Will you clash Kartel again Mavado: A me mek him nuh have career, tell him meet me over national stadium, me will clash him and Usain at the same time.
Reporter: Where was Bounty when the clash start Mavado: Well you a hear me, Bounty was suppose to be me back up singer inna the clash fi memba me lyrics dem, after dem boo him, him cut and gone a di barber shop gah wait fi me.
Reporter: Can you read or write Mavado: A me say Im so specialwhat you think
Reporter: I heard you have a new slang for next year Mavado: Yeah it go like this: Level level level level No no no. It sell off
Reporter: What about the Autobiography Mavado: soon come out it name The Faster man running
Reporter: What you think about Kartel now Mavado: Kartel is a youth weh badmind cah me a tour
Reporter: Why we havent been hearing you talk about the gullyside anymore: Mavado: Cah right now a Gaza me say- you nuh hear me a sting a big up Gaza
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . Heperforms underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mailhe sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station who wassponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had abad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so Ithought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not sobad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first mustbore you with a few chnicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to theoffice. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So whatwe do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial waterheater. This $20,000 piece of equipment *u*ks the water out of the sea. Itheats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diverthrough a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds likea darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
WhatI do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose andstuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warmwater. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a fewseconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, butthe damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot watermachine had *u*ked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since Idon't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what Ithought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crackof my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. Hisinstructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five otherdivers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make threeagonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes beforeI could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When Iarrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my bra** helmet. As Iclimbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running downhis face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt assoon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because mybutt was swollen shut.. So, next time you're having a bad day at work,think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved upyour butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job,I love my job.'
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have? Ted: $10. Teacher: You don't know Maths. Ted: You don't know my father!
Mother: David, come here. David: Yes, mum. Mother: You really disappoint me.. Your results are getting worse. David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow. Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test? Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8 Father: So? Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Yes Dear. Girl: Would you die for me? Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father? Boy: 1 year older then me Man: How can that be? Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Teacher: Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: Where were you born? Student: Singapore , Sir. Teacher: Which part? Student: All of me, Sir.
Teacher: How come you do not c**** your hair? Ah Kow: No c****, Sir. Teacher: Use your dad's then. Ah Kow: No hair, Sir.
A boy came home from school with his exam results. 'What did you get?' asked his father. 'My marks are under water,' said the boy. 'What do you mean 'under water'?' ' They are all below 'C' (sea) level!'
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor cl**tching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!
The wife says,Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?
The husband yells back,It doesnt matter just get the hell out!
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
St. Peter came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, I have to talk to you.
I have a problem. I know we didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them.
They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin through the fence. They are constantly hanging out by the gate disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for a 'bly' for their baby modder, cousin, sistren, neighbor, granny, auntie...
Wheneve r it is their turn to watch the gates they keep letting in heavy, good looking women.
They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "STYLING'. Angels must have two wings to fly! Some of them have put on chrome wings and are dazzling the other angels when they are flying.
The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they didn't come to heaven to 'slave'. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean because 'dem ah no helper'. Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like 'ital' food.
Some refuse to wear their halos because 'it will mess up their hairdo'. Some are wearing it backways. Others are wearing it with the tags still attached to them.
Others have discarded the white halos and are wearing gold ones instead; they claim these are 'bashy'. Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing " riders' claiming that they have pretty skin and want to show off their 'bandy legs'.
Reggae music is blasted at all hours of the night. Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers. Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who claims he was only 'checking out' Eve. They have planted Ganja in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming 'man and man haffi hustle'.
What should I do?!'
The Lord said, 'It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them and are using the wrong approach. Let's check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil.'
The Devil answered the phone and said, 'Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?'
The Lord said, 'We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it.'
The Devil said, 'Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold."
The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, 'OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?'
The Lord said, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here.'
Again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold for fifteen minutes thi s time.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, 'Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn Jamaicans down here..... I don't know where they found water, but they have put out the fire, stolen my fark and yesterday they even had air conditioning installed saying 'man come yah fe chill' so jus bill. it's like hell down here
A young Jamaican University graduate applied for an engineering position at a Kingston based firm. A Trini Engineer also applied for the job, and both applicants, since they had the same qualifications on paper, were asked by the Department Manager to take a test.
Upon completion of the test, the manager went to the Jamaican and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the man from Trinidad the job."
The Jamaican asked, "Suh why yu do dat? Bote a wi get nine questions rite. And dis is Jamaica,and me is Jamaican, so a me shoulda get de wuk!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision, based not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you both missed."
The Jamaican asked, "An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer betta dan de adda ?"
The manager replied, "Simple. The Trini put down "'I don't know" for question 5, and you put "Me nuh know either".
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."
-- Edited by Dj Quiva on Friday 27th of March 2009 11:24:54 PM
USING ONLY ONE WORD! Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to tag the person you received it from!
1. Where is your cell phone?....................... HERE
2. Your significant other?........................... THERE
3. Your hair?.......................................... LONG
4. Your mother?...................................... BEAUTIFULL
5. Your father? ...................................... DEAD
6. Your favorite food?................................ CHICKEN
7. Your dream last night?............................ BROKE
8. Your favorite drink? ............................... SUGAR
9. Your dream/goal?.................................. RICH
10. What room you are in? .......................... BEDROOM
11. Your hobby?....................................... CUSSING
12. Your fear?..........................................DEATH
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?.......... ALIVE
14. Where were you last night?...................... BED
15. Something that you aren't?....................... LEAN
16. Muffins?.............................................. ALL
17. Wish list item?....................................... PIONEER
18. Where you grew up?............................... YARD
19. Last thing you did?.................................. CHAT
20. What are you wearing?.............................. CLOTHES
21. Your TV?............................................... 19"
22. Your pets?............................................. DEAD
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
Two Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.
They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.
They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"
So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"
The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham bush!"
The bride tells her husband, ' Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?'
With a SMILE on his face caringly touching her in places, he says 'OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner' . So what we do is PPP - Put the Prisoner in Prison . And the rule is that in prison the prisoner does not just lie down there, he really has to work.'
And then they made heated passionate love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, panting but smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, 'Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.'
Turning on his side, he smiles. 'Then we will have to re-imprison him.' After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, 'Honey, the prisoner is out again!' The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, 'Honey, the prisoner escaped again.' Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, 'Hey, its not a life sentence , OKAY!!!
A proper young lady of Taos Had her panties trimmed neatly with lace. But a vulgar young man Raped her roughly, and ran, And left them pure panties in chaos.
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! Pass it on
A "dread" was living in rural Jamaica in a community that had no electricity supply.
One evening he was reading his Bible (Macabee version) and meditating, assisted by lighting from a bedside lamp (Home Sweet Home), but was bothered by the constant nuisance of some mosquitoes.
He could bear it no longer so he decided to cover up under his sheet in bed, but it was useless as the mosquitoes kept biting him on his ears through the sheet.
He got up and blew out the lamp and went back under the sheets, hoping that the mosquitoes would not be able to bother him if they could not see him. The Mosquitoes did not bite him for a few minutes giving the "dread" hope that his so-called plan had worked out perfectly.
Now he was only hearing the constant "humming' of them flying around in the room. It was getting real hot under the sheets, so the "dread" decided that he would take off the sheet as it was too dark for the mosquitoes to see him now.
When he removed the sheets, lay on his back and looked up in the ceiling, he saw a 'peenie wallie' (Firefly) flying around. The "dread" shouted out "*lo** CLAATT!! DEM CUM BACK WID FLASHLIGHT FI I AND I!!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
