Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dw1U_Cx6FBw
SICK HEAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pree da young galis here....DEM YUTE YA A GALIS FROM BIRTH!!!!!!
May 2, 2009
Started By Dj SAB X — 19 Comments
GALIS FROM BIRTH MEEEE SEH!!!!!!! 
http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&vid=44fd5c33-040a-481b-957e-d0bd8ca08e7c
these trucks drivers are so stupid not to notice the low overpass..lol
-- Edited by Guyana_Bandit at 10:57, 2009-02-15
these trucks drivers are so stupid not to notice the low overpass..lol
-- Edited by Guyana_Bandit at 10:57, 2009-02-15
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat P**y." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
Tyra Banks Gone Wild
AND HERE GOES FAMILY GUY MAKING FUN AT IT
dis a de newest dancehall artist inna di business right now lol
April 27, 2009
Started By dj slr — 34 Comments
pt.1
pt.2
Blind Man Test
A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.
The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu".
Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!"
Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.
Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."
The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "ra** mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"
-- Edited by Klanz Man at 12:58, 2008-06-18
A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.
The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu".
Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!"
Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.
Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."
The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "ra** mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"
-- Edited by Klanz Man at 12:58, 2008-06-18
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does
SEXUAL HARRASMENT ME & MICE LIGHT BULB
One day a Policeman was directing traffic at
Half-Way-Tree and every minute this madman ran up to
him and say,'Officer wha time yu hav.' So the police
keep running him and say 'yu naa go no way so stop
ask mi di time'
But the Madman kept on coming back, so the Police got
fed up and say 'ah 2:30'
Half-Way-Tree and every minute this madman ran up to
him and say,'Officer wha time yu hav.' So the police
keep running him and say 'yu naa go no way so stop
ask mi di time'
But the Madman kept on coming back, so the Police got
fed up and say 'ah 2:30'
The madman then say to the Police 'when a 3 o'clock
come *u*k out mi hole'
The Police got vex and startedrunning after the madman wid his batten.
The madman lost him round a corner near Missa Chin shop.
The Police ask
Missa Chin, yu see a Madman run pass ya?
Missa Chin say, no, but a wha im do yu?
di Police say,'him no see mi a direct traffic round so and come talk
say mi fi come *u*k im hole when 3 o'clock come'
Missa Chin look pan him watch and say'But no jus
come *u*k out mi hole'
The Police got vex and startedrunning after the madman wid his batten.
The madman lost him round a corner near Missa Chin shop.
The Police ask
Missa Chin, yu see a Madman run pass ya?
Missa Chin say, no, but a wha im do yu?
di Police say,'him no see mi a direct traffic round so and come talk
say mi fi come *u*k im hole when 3 o'clock come'
Missa Chin look pan him watch and say'But no jus
1/4 to 3!! Wha happen, yu cyaan wait??'
10 Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex
February 16, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 75 Comments
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.
madd.
-- Edited by bblunt on Sunday 26th of April 2009 05:42:42 AM
You have to love Jamaicans!!!!!!!!!!
Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.
Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See meh new sneakers dem? Cool, eh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of sneakers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone?
Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "Si it deh!!! Clearl as dhey ...
Scroll down.........
Scroll down some more ... ......
"TAIWAN"
Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.
Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See meh new sneakers dem? Cool, eh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of sneakers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone?
Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "Si it deh!!! Clearl as dhey ...
Scroll down.........
Scroll down some more ... ......
"TAIWAN"
A girl
asks
her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he
will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for
you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to
say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
asks
her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he
will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for
you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to
say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
933,624 views
MY RINGTONE
There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London;
a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving
because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming
close to a posh, fancy and very expensive restaurant they came up
with a plan.
The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three
course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter
came by with the cheque.
"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused
as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any
trouble...he let the Trini leave.
Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and
ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating,
the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!"
The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down
the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers
he let the Bajan go.
Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a
cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two
Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the
money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir...
I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.
Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they
paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them,
so................. But Before he could finish, the
Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,
that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"
because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming
close to a posh, fancy and very expensive restaurant they came up
with a plan.
The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three
course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter
came by with the cheque.
"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused
as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any
trouble...he let the Trini leave.
Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and
ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating,
the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!"
The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down
the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers
he let the Bajan go.
Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a
cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two
Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the
money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir...
I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.
Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they
paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them,
so................. But Before he could finish, the
Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,
that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John,"this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to Johnand delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marshaand knocked her out of her chair
Women and Math I
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass
I'm a Romantic = I'm poor
I need you" = My hand is tired
I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised
I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation
You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me
I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it
It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head
he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me
I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good
Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small
I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you
o you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out
Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later
How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now
I have something to tell you = Get tested
I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again
I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk
I think we should just be friends = You're ugly
I've learned a lot from you = Next
I'm a Romantic = I'm poor
I need you" = My hand is tired
I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised
I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation
You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me
I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it
It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head
he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me
I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good
Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small
I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you
o you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out
Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later
How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now
I have something to tell you = Get tested
I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again
I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk
I think we should just be friends = You're ugly
I've learned a lot from you = Next
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & *lo** moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost
beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head c**ked
to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the pro ngs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & *lo** moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost
beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head c**ked
to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the pro ngs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
-- Edited by Star bwoy on Monday 27th of April 2009 07:36:30 PM
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
The Jamaican ladies man (pree deh videooooo ya lol)
April 11, 2009
Started By Talented — 16 Comments
turn up ya speaker cuz it low
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Spugy a Run Taxi...LOL
http://www.mediafire.com/?jnhmrodwohk
http://www.mediafire.com/?jnhmrodwohk
me fraid already...
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
eli's dirty jokes 18>>>>>>>>>>funny as hell!!!!!
April 23, 2009
Started By Dj Ricky Redz — 6 Comments
kinda gross but i posted it anyway
eli's dirty jokes 19>>>>>>>>>>funny as hell!!!!!
April 23, 2009
Started By Dj Ricky Redz — 7 Comments
mi nuh wrong him a raaaasss!!!
a just hope a nuh P**y cat!!!
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarra**ed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what20happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarra**ed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what20happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
Sex In The Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.
THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle,
and whose given name was Onestone.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call
him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again
I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any
more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot
and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all
night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue
Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he
promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given
name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the
village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,
Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her
all night, made love to her all the next day, made
love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this
story?????...........................
OH, Come on...take a guess!
Think about it...
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is..
You can't kill two birds with onestone!
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle,
and whose given name was Onestone.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call
him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again
I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any
more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot
and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all
night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue
Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he
promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given
name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the
village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,
Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her
all night, made love to her all the next day, made
love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this
story?????...........................
OH, Come on...take a guess!
Think about it...
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is..
You can't kill two birds with onestone!
eli's dirty jokes 17>>>>>>>>>>funny as hell!!!!!
April 23, 2009
Started By Dj Ricky Redz — 6 Comments
ps: the video in the background in actually episode 16
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