-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Thursday 21st of May 2009 09:46:17 PM

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient."
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.

CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

Name: _____________________________
Gang: ___________________________

1. Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up?

BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?

A prisoner escaped from jail. He broke into a house around the corner on Elgin St and finds a young couple in bed.
  He gets the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. kisses her on the neck , then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife; " Listen , this guy looks dangerous! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in a long time. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you. If he gets angry , he may kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.
   To which the wife responds" He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He told me he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you TOO!

have you ever wondered if your mom kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?
you are now euh??!!

-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Thursday 21st of May 2009 08:24:22 PM

-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Thursday 21st of May 2009 08:25:49 PM

Made me feel nauseous!! How bout u?

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean youve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if Id ever lied to my girlfriend."

Lesson Plan to us all A married couple at the Zoo walks past the gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior??? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it and see how horny it gets just as men do'. Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See - says the woman - 'Now I know why you react the way you do, men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't'. Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens'. The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum to it and let us see what will happen'!!! The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla which by now, extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark, what do I do now? Please, help me'!!! Mark replies: 'Now give it one of the excuses that you usually give me: That you don't feel like it That you have a headache That you're tired That your throat is aching That it is still too early That I must understand you as a woman That you are depressed That you are in one of those days That you are having a very busy week That all you need is just to cuddle up That you're tensed up That you have to wake up very early tomorrow That you woke up very early today That you walked for long and your feet are aching That caresses and hugs is all that you want today That you're so tensed up that all you want is a good massage to make you relax That you feel like watching TV That you don't wanna miss the soapies That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair Go on, explain all that to the gorilla and if it understands, if you can persuade it, then I promise you that from today on I'll accept your excuses'!

Black Panties



Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.



Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."


Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did


There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.


Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"


She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."



He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom
..


She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"


He replied,


"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

Farting All The Time

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?" Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."