Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
A couple went to the hospital to give birth to a baby. The doctor told them when they arrived he had a new machine that would transfer some of the pain from the mother to the father.
Agreeing to do this, the doctor gave 10% of the pain to the father, saying that 10% would be more pain than he had ever felt. When the father didnt feel anything, the doctor bumped it up to 50%.
Still no pain, so up the doctor went to 100%, the wife gave birth painless and they went home. When they got to the door, the mail man was dead on their doorstep.
here was a Black man, a White man, a Native
American man and a Latino man.
All four of them were on top of a cliff discussing
the difficulties that their people had gone through.
The Native American said, 'My people have suffered
the most, and in honor of what they have endured, I
will fling myself off this cliff in hopes that my
*lo** will change things.'
So he yelled 'THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE', and jumped
off the cliff, the Latino not wanting to be outdone,
quickly looked at the other two and followed yelling
'THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE' and jumped off the cliff as
well.
The Black man was touched by this and decided it was
his turn, so he yelled 'THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE' and
pushed the White man off the cliff!
-- Edited by Sean Mobay on Saturday 30th of May 2009 12:00:18 AM
American man and a Latino man.
All four of them were on top of a cliff discussing
the difficulties that their people had gone through.
The Native American said, 'My people have suffered
the most, and in honor of what they have endured, I
will fling myself off this cliff in hopes that my
*lo** will change things.'
So he yelled 'THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE', and jumped
off the cliff, the Latino not wanting to be outdone,
quickly looked at the other two and followed yelling
'THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE' and jumped off the cliff as
well.
The Black man was touched by this and decided it was
his turn, so he yelled 'THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE' and
pushed the White man off the cliff!
-- Edited by Sean Mobay on Saturday 30th of May 2009 12:00:18 AM
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely notâyou cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely notâyou cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
i inspire people
A husband leans over to his wife in a bar and says, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says. "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says.
There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."
"Yes," she says. "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says.
There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Jamaica, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody I had sex with is as stingy as you are?"
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody I had sex with is as stingy as you are?"
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F UCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f uck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F UCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f uck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."
The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
>>Sex In The Dark
>>There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
>>Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
>>light.
>>Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
>>She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
>>So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
>>session, she turned on the lights.
>>She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
>>pleasure device... a vibrator!
>>Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
>>She went completely ballistic.
>>"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
>>all of these years?
>>You better explain yourself!"
>>The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
>>"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
>>send this to 15 ppl or else u'll have a bad sex life forever!!!
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.'
'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.'
'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
SING IT GIRLS!!! OUT LOUD
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Ida Ljungqvist poses on the floor with a sex toy clearly visible on the floor. Not sure about the origin of this photo, but it's not exactly G-rated for such a Christian girl, is it now?
THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
And a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears . Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
And a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears . Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Three men died and went to hell an American, Australian, and a Jamaican
The Devil told the guys that if they could tell him to do something that he can't do, he will let them go.
The American said "I challenge you to beat up the whole American Army, so the Devil went and beat up the whole American army and told the American that he had to stay in hell.
The Australian said, "I challenge you to jump like all the kangaroos in Australia".
The devil speedily jumped like all the kangaroos in Australia and told the Australian that he had to stay in hell.
Well the Jamaican knows he is from a small island and doesn't have much, so being scared, he farted and told the devil "grab on to that". The Jamaican went to Heaven.
The Devil told the guys that if they could tell him to do something that he can't do, he will let them go.
The American said "I challenge you to beat up the whole American Army, so the Devil went and beat up the whole American army and told the American that he had to stay in hell.
The Australian said, "I challenge you to jump like all the kangaroos in Australia".
The devil speedily jumped like all the kangaroos in Australia and told the Australian that he had to stay in hell.
Well the Jamaican knows he is from a small island and doesn't have much, so being scared, he farted and told the devil "grab on to that". The Jamaican went to Heaven.
A Trinidadian man, Bajan man, and a Jamaican man went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the Trinidadian wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole,
tripped, and fell. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasnât wearing any panties. The Trinidadian man angrily demanded to know why she wasnât wearing any underwear. "Well, dahlin," she explained, "you give me so little money that I hav' to make sacrifices. Usually nobody does notice."
The Trinidadian man pulls $100 out of his pocket.
"Tek dis nah, go Victoria Secrets and buy yourself some underwear"
Two holes further along the Bajan wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped and fell. Her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasnât wearing any panties either!
The Bajan man, obviously upset, asked his wife why she isn't wearing underwear. "Well, honey," she explained, "you give me so little money I cahn afford to buy any underwear." The Bajan man pulls $20 out of his pocket.
"Cho, go a K-mart an' buy some draws."
Three holes further on, the Jamaican man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that she too wasn't wearing any panties. Her explanation to her vex husband was the same as the others.
The Jamaican man put his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a c****. The least you could do is to keep it neat."
tripped, and fell. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasnât wearing any panties. The Trinidadian man angrily demanded to know why she wasnât wearing any underwear. "Well, dahlin," she explained, "you give me so little money that I hav' to make sacrifices. Usually nobody does notice."
The Trinidadian man pulls $100 out of his pocket.
"Tek dis nah, go Victoria Secrets and buy yourself some underwear"
Two holes further along the Bajan wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped and fell. Her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasnât wearing any panties either!
The Bajan man, obviously upset, asked his wife why she isn't wearing underwear. "Well, honey," she explained, "you give me so little money I cahn afford to buy any underwear." The Bajan man pulls $20 out of his pocket.
"Cho, go a K-mart an' buy some draws."
Three holes further on, the Jamaican man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that she too wasn't wearing any panties. Her explanation to her vex husband was the same as the others.
The Jamaican man put his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a c****. The least you could do is to keep it neat."
Guess Who Game - How it's really supposed to be played! Lmao
May 28, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 8 Comments
-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Thursday 28th of May 2009 08:10:53 PM
Kennyi Aouad gets the giggles when asked to spell "sardoodledom" at the 2007 Scripps Spelling Bee
Two eggs boiling in a pan. One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me!
The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
SINCE FOOTBALL A GONE NOW, SEE A QUESTION YA?!!!!! LMAO
May 27, 2009
Started By Talented — 13 Comments
WHO'S THE BEST GOAl-KEEPER IN THE WORLD?!!!!!
A WOMAN CAUSE SHE STOPS 2 BALLS AT ONce 
mi shouldn't say this enno, lol
African King
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. Out of the blue the king asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken back. However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
The mortgage ( I had to shear this with you pps very funny)
May 28, 2009
Started By Dj Blitz — 2 Comments
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His fathersaid, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is$280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can affordit.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' LittleJoseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard youtelling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here bymyself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' LittleJoseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard youtelling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here bymyself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
lol
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed.. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or CHANGE MIXING BOWLS.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do NOT lick mixing bowl AFTER use.
3. IF CAKE RISES, LEAVE TOWN.
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed.. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or CHANGE MIXING BOWLS.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do NOT lick mixing bowl AFTER use.
3. IF CAKE RISES, LEAVE TOWN.
Brides in Underwear - Maybe the dress isn't the best looking part of the clothing
May 21, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 21 Comments
World's Dumbest Store Names - I doubt that they were thinking when they named them!!! LMAO
May 20, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 23 Comments
Computer Humor - If you have ANY nerd at all in you, you will find the humor in these pictures.
May 24, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 25 Comments
Sexy Costume-less Halloween You don't always need clothes to have a great Halloween Costume. 18 MUST SEE PICS!!!!!
May 20, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 30 Comments
Sex Tapes You Never Want to See - Some celebs you hope never show up in a real sex tape.
May 20, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 27 Comments
Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After awhile, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After awhile, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.
[video=http://g4tv.com/xplay/videos/38506/Comedy-Classic-Tyler-Perrys-Halo-Family-Reunion.html]
http://g4tv.com/xplay/videos/38506/Comedy-Classic-Tyler-Perrys-Halo-Family-Reunion.html
http://g4tv.com/xplay/videos/38506/Comedy-Classic-Tyler-Perrys-Halo-Family-Reunion.html
11 Products that will make you look twice in the store!
May 23, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 6 Comments
Photoshopped Animals - LMAO, some look pretty real!!!!
May 20, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 16 Comments
What happens to big breasted women when they bungee jump! LOL
May 26, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 2 Comments
![[erotic_comics_72.jpg]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_R51-i3_O-RM/ShvwJIoTkwI/AAAAAAAAeWA/Kufi_bb6mWs/s1600/erotic_comics_72.jpg)
-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Wednesday 20th of May 2009 08:11:58 PM
100 Reasons to Party (Just in case you really need a reason!)
May 11, 2009
Started By PrincessLeah — 3 Comments
1. Because it's Friday.
2. Because your dentist canceled your appointment.
3. Because you can't think of anything boring to do.
4. Because it's daytime.
5. Because it's nighttime.
6. Because it's exactly one week later than it was this time last week.
7. Because you like to make ice.
8. Because you want to annoy your neighbors.
9. Because you're dying to wear your new light shade.
10. Because you're tired of playing 'Charades' with yourself.
11. Because you're carrying a party gene.
12. Because you found the perfect shoes.
13. Because you're afraid your lifestyle is too healthy.
14. Because you never know...
15. Because your place could use a good mess.
16. Because your mother needs something to be upset about.
17. Because you have a sudden urge to limbo.
18. Because your inhibitions are out of town.
19. Because the bank made an error in your favor.
20. Because it's there.
21. Because you need more bean dip in your diet.
22. Because the fun content of your *lo** is too low.
23. Because you look good doing it.
24. Because you're considering it as a career.
25. Because your yo-yo stock went up a point.
26. Because someone's got to do it.
27. Because you have a bad reputation to uphold.
28. Because your plants want to meet new people.
29. Because fun is a terrible thing to waste.
30. Because you want to try out your new jokes.
31. Because it's your patriotic duty.
32. Because you're going for the party record.
33. Because your roommate got rid of his scorpion farm.
34. Because you need the practice.
35. Because you're not getting any younger.
36. Because the vet says your hamster will pull through.
37. Because you've got it coming to you.
38. Because your life is starting to grow moss.
39. Because your brain needs a night off.
40. Because you never met a party you didn't like.
41. Because the fate of the free world depends on it.
42. Because the universe is expanding.
43. Because your dog is finally housebroken.
44. Because it's the only exercise you get.
45. Because maturity is overrated.
46. Because a party demon has possessed your body.
47. Because it hurts too much when you stop.
48. Because these are your "party years!"
49. Because you're too polite to turn down an invitation.
50. Because you can't boogie to a book.
51. Because you have an overactive party gland.
52. Because the moon is in a party phase.
53. Because otherwise the police would have nothing to do.
54. Because curfew has been lifted.
55. Because the phone company lost your Internet bill.
56. Because you won the lottery and feel reckless.
57. Because life seems so dull without it.
58. Because that's how the dinosaurs would have wanted to go.
59. Because you haven't eaten a million corn chips yet.
60. Because you're suffering from popcorn deficiency.
61. Because you're supposed to be the irresponsible one.
62. Because how else are you going to learn to juggle chainsaws?
63. Because your bank manager finally lifted that death threat.
64. Because you need to get to know more riot police.
65. Because your budgie ate your concert tickets and you need to let the party feeling out somehow.
66. Because the voices tell you to.
67. Because if not you, who else?
68. Because it's time.
69. Because the local committee like you too much.
70. Because you need to cultivate a bad impression.
71. Because if you don't you'll explode.
72. Because you got your coursework in on time.
73. Because your lecturer forgot to set work for the weekend.
74. Because you suspect you're too uptight.
75. Because you need to get ready for New Year's.
76. Because THEY don't want you to.
77. Because it's a long way till midnight, and you've got ten crates to get through.
78. Because you want to finish all the food in your house before dawn.
79. Because someone bet you to.
80. Because the dice tell you to. (see Luke Rhinehart)
81. Because you haven't heard a police megaphone for a whole week.
82. Because you want to meet new alcohol.
83. Because that's the last thing they'll expect.
84. Because it's down to you.
85. Because you spend too much time on the Net and you don't want to develop keyboard withdrawal.
87. Because how else are you going to rebel?
88. Because you just want to, alright, ALRIGHT?!
89. Because you're too tense.
90. Because everyone you know needs convincing you're insane.
91. Because your parrot accused you of being boring.
92. Because you know at least "30 things to do before you're 30" that you haven't done.
93. Because you need good reference material.
94. Because you want to create a false identity.
95. Because you want to prove you can.
96. Because you feel like everyone's ignoring you.
97. Because you want to improve your crime sheet.
98. Because you have a very evil punch recipe.
99. Because because because because... because of the wonderful things it does! (see Wizard of Oz)
100. Because you need to work on your purity test score.
-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Monday 11th of May 2009 07:46:11 PM
2. Because your dentist canceled your appointment.
3. Because you can't think of anything boring to do.
4. Because it's daytime.
5. Because it's nighttime.
6. Because it's exactly one week later than it was this time last week.
7. Because you like to make ice.
8. Because you want to annoy your neighbors.
9. Because you're dying to wear your new light shade.
10. Because you're tired of playing 'Charades' with yourself.
11. Because you're carrying a party gene.
12. Because you found the perfect shoes.
13. Because you're afraid your lifestyle is too healthy.
14. Because you never know...
15. Because your place could use a good mess.
16. Because your mother needs something to be upset about.
17. Because you have a sudden urge to limbo.
18. Because your inhibitions are out of town.
19. Because the bank made an error in your favor.
20. Because it's there.
21. Because you need more bean dip in your diet.
22. Because the fun content of your *lo** is too low.
23. Because you look good doing it.
24. Because you're considering it as a career.
25. Because your yo-yo stock went up a point.
26. Because someone's got to do it.
27. Because you have a bad reputation to uphold.
28. Because your plants want to meet new people.
29. Because fun is a terrible thing to waste.
30. Because you want to try out your new jokes.
31. Because it's your patriotic duty.
32. Because you're going for the party record.
33. Because your roommate got rid of his scorpion farm.
34. Because you need the practice.
35. Because you're not getting any younger.
36. Because the vet says your hamster will pull through.
37. Because you've got it coming to you.
38. Because your life is starting to grow moss.
39. Because your brain needs a night off.
40. Because you never met a party you didn't like.
41. Because the fate of the free world depends on it.
42. Because the universe is expanding.
43. Because your dog is finally housebroken.
44. Because it's the only exercise you get.
45. Because maturity is overrated.
46. Because a party demon has possessed your body.
47. Because it hurts too much when you stop.
48. Because these are your "party years!"
49. Because you're too polite to turn down an invitation.
50. Because you can't boogie to a book.
51. Because you have an overactive party gland.
52. Because the moon is in a party phase.
53. Because otherwise the police would have nothing to do.
54. Because curfew has been lifted.
55. Because the phone company lost your Internet bill.
56. Because you won the lottery and feel reckless.
57. Because life seems so dull without it.
58. Because that's how the dinosaurs would have wanted to go.
59. Because you haven't eaten a million corn chips yet.
60. Because you're suffering from popcorn deficiency.
61. Because you're supposed to be the irresponsible one.
62. Because how else are you going to learn to juggle chainsaws?
63. Because your bank manager finally lifted that death threat.
64. Because you need to get to know more riot police.
65. Because your budgie ate your concert tickets and you need to let the party feeling out somehow.
66. Because the voices tell you to.
67. Because if not you, who else?
68. Because it's time.
69. Because the local committee like you too much.
70. Because you need to cultivate a bad impression.
71. Because if you don't you'll explode.
72. Because you got your coursework in on time.
73. Because your lecturer forgot to set work for the weekend.
74. Because you suspect you're too uptight.
75. Because you need to get ready for New Year's.
76. Because THEY don't want you to.
77. Because it's a long way till midnight, and you've got ten crates to get through.
78. Because you want to finish all the food in your house before dawn.
79. Because someone bet you to.
80. Because the dice tell you to. (see Luke Rhinehart)
81. Because you haven't heard a police megaphone for a whole week.
82. Because you want to meet new alcohol.
83. Because that's the last thing they'll expect.
84. Because it's down to you.
85. Because you spend too much time on the Net and you don't want to develop keyboard withdrawal.
87. Because how else are you going to rebel?
88. Because you just want to, alright, ALRIGHT?!
89. Because you're too tense.
90. Because everyone you know needs convincing you're insane.
91. Because your parrot accused you of being boring.
92. Because you know at least "30 things to do before you're 30" that you haven't done.
93. Because you need good reference material.
94. Because you want to create a false identity.
95. Because you want to prove you can.
96. Because you feel like everyone's ignoring you.
97. Because you want to improve your crime sheet.
98. Because you have a very evil punch recipe.
99. Because because because because... because of the wonderful things it does! (see Wizard of Oz)
100. Because you need to work on your purity test score.
-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Monday 11th of May 2009 07:46:11 PM
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