A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

One day in kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
Ill give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man
who ever lived.
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, It was St. Patrick.
The Teacher said, Sorry Sean, thats not correct.
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, It was St. Andrew.
The teacher replied, Im sorry, Harry, thats not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, It was Jesus Christ.
The teacher said, Thats absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and
Ill give you the $2.
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, You know Marvin,
since youre Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.
Marvin replied: Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "f**k" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing gra**.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

2 Blondes with hammers:

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house.

========================================== The blonde who tried to commit suicide:

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly,' the blonde said, 'first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

=========================================== Damage from a hail storm:

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

HOW WOMEN SHOWER
Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73ºF.
Carefully fold each item, and place in clothes hamper.
Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
Look at your womanly figure in the mirror, and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you¹re getting fat.
Position the shower nozzle pointing away from you, and turn on the water.
Get into the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair once again (just to make sure) with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber & Lamfrey Conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Watch falling hair accumulate around drain strainer.
Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize your husband has once again been eating our Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Rinse Conditioner of hair, a process which should take at least 15 minutes, as you must be sure it all comes off.
Shave armpits, and evaluate whether there is enough time and hot water left to do legs.
Slick hair back, and pretend you are Bo Derek.
Use Pumice Stone to soften rough spots on feet.
Use Massage Mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
Use nail brush to clean toenails.
Scream loudly (high F# is an especially effective note to reach for) when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of scalding water.
Cover your entire body with baby oil.
Turn hot water on full, and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for your husband.
Pat yourself dry, then rub briskly all over with a towel the size of a small African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
Apply Body Lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize!
Return to bedroom wearing your long dressing gown and towel on head, covering up suddenly if you see your husband.
Blow dry hair using an appliance powerful enough to lift Dorothy¹s whole farm out of Kansas. HOW MEN SHOWEREnter shower, turn on waterSoap and Rinse. Turn off showerTowel dry. If no towel available, just roll over once on the bed.Done.

 

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaimed his friend, "Good trade."

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband :(Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife :Have you brought the grocery?
Husband :Bad command or filename.
Wife :But I told you in the morning
Husband :Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife :What about my new TV?
Husband :Variable not found ...
Wife :At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife :Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband :Too many parameters ...
Wife :It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband :Data type mismatch.
Wife :You are useless.
Husband :It's by Default.
Wife :What about your Salary?
Husband :File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife :What is my value in the family.
Husband :Unknown Virus.

-- Edited by GLAMAROUS_RUE on Sunday 7th of June 2009 09:22:25 PM

A railway inspector and his friend in a bar chating...
Friend: Why have you got that big smile on your face.
Railway inspector: I just had the best sex of my life!
Friend:with who?
Railway inspector: With this girl I found on the railway tracks.
Friend: Oh yeah! What did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing body!
Friend: Oh yeah! But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing legs!
Friend: But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had perfect breasts!
Friend: Yeah but what did she look like!
Railway inspector: Don't know never found the head.

Consul: 'Your name please?'
Saudi: 'Sheikh Abdul-Aziz. '
Consul: 'Sex?'
Saudi: 'Six time a week.'
Consul: 'I meant, male or female?'
Saudi: 'Both male and female, sometime even camels.'
Consul: 'Holy cow!'
Saudi: 'Yes, cows & dogs too.'
Consul: 'Man, isn't that hostile?'
Saudi: 'Horse style, dog style, any style !'
Consul: 'Oh dear!'
Saudi: 'Deer? No deer, they run too fast..!!

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:

Debra, Ive never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.

Debra replied, Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldnt find any jewelry from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"

"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."

"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."

"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.

"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."

The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

lol

1. When you got circumcised, did it take more than one try?
2. Your dick's so small, you can sodomize anys.
3. Your dick's so small, you can masturbate through the slits in a fork
4. Your dick's so small, you rent out the Hubbell when you have to piss.
5. Your dick's so small, bacteria laugh at it.
6. Your dick's so small, you could screw a pasta strainer.
7. Your dick's so small, the doctor wasn't quite sure what you were.
8. I never knew you could have a belly button under your stomach.
9. Your dick's so thin, I've seen paper clips wider.
10. Your dick's so crooked, it's like a compass, it always points north.
11. There's bread harder than your dick.
12. Your dick's so small, you could get a B.J. from a crease in a lip.
13. Your dick's so small, the police filed it a missing person.
14. Your dick's so small, a cop frisks you and asks, "Sex change?"
15. Your dick's so thin, you could turn it sideways and it'd disappear.
16. Your dick's so thin, Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) is jealous.
17. Your dick's so small, when you have sex, girls ask if it's in yet.
18. Your dick's so ugly, it's like a pimple with a pulse.
19. When you go swimming in cold water, does your dick get bigger?
20. Your confusin an inch with a foot again.
21. Your dick's so small, satisfying a woman for you is "Mission: Impossible".
22. There's a wrinkle in your pants, you hard?
23. How about I kick you in the nuts? That's a foot. Contrast and compare.
24. Your dick's so small, when you were born, the doctor smacked the wrong side.
25. Are you ever gonna get that wart lanced?
26. What does a man with a small penis have for breakfast? (PAUSE) I dunno, what'd you have?
27. Your dick's so thin, paper called you up and said, "YOU BASTARD!"
28. Your dick's so small, it sleeps in a matchbox with a cotton swab pillow.
29. Your dick's so small, you'll never be half the man your mother was.
30. Your dick's so small, you could use a thimble and fishing line for a thong.
31. Your dick's so small, I haven't laughed that hard since I saw your balls.
32. Your dick's so small, your condoms look like the thumb of a latex glove.
33. I bet you can make your dick disappear by breathing in and out.
34. Your dick's so ugly it cries itself to sleep at night.
35. Your dick's so small, you stand next to a light switch naked all day crying.
36. You got less meat in your pants than there is in a vegetarian restaurant.
37. After hours of going at it with a woman, she yawns and asks if you're done yet.
38. Your dick's so small, it looks like one of the California raisins.
39. Your dick must be tiny, I heard you had sex with a shower head.
40. When you get hard it looks like a toothpick.
41. Your dick's so thin, it represents Weight Watchers.
42. Your dick's so ugly, they put in fields to scare away the crows.
43. Your dick's so small, your girlfriend took it to court and they threw it out for lack of evidence.
44. The only time you can give a woman orgasm is when you pull out your American Express.
45. Your dick's so small, you think it's gonna explode when you cum.
46. Your doctor called he said you had a small problem.
47. You have to put the seat down to piss, right?
48. The only thing your dick's bigger than is a grain of dust.
49. Your dick's so small, you piss on your nuts.
50. Your dick's so small, sperm's a tight squeeze.

POOR FELLOW

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

ITS THE GENIUS

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate overnight. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.
"Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field.When we went to investigate, i saw the ball in a cows ass.I went and lifted the tail of the cow and thats when I made my mistake."
"What mistake was that?" asked the doctor.
" I said hey this looks like yours hun!"

• For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
• For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
• For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I've learned from my children:

1.  
   1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
   2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
   3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
   4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
   5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
   6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
   7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
   8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
   9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
   10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
   11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
   12. Super glue is forever.
   13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
   14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
   15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
   16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
   17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
   18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
   19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
   20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
   21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

One day, a little boy is watching his Saturday cartoons. His mother is on the phone in the room. She is getting extremely pissed. Finally, she slams down the phone screaming "BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!" The boy turns around and asks, "What does that mean, Mommy?" Realizing her mistake, the mom quickly says, "Uh, ladies and gentlemen." The boy accepts this answer and later goes to bed after dinner. But that night he has a bad dream. He goes to tell his parents about it, and as he walks in, he sees the two screwing. The mom says "Feel my boobies", and the man says, "Feel my dick". The boy asks what that means. The two, shocked, said "Hats and coats! Hats and coats!"

The next evening, the boy is watching his dad shave. He cuts his lip with his razor. "Sh*t!!" the dad yells. The boy, quizzically, asks what THAT means. The dad quickly says, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using!"

Now the boy goes downstairs and sees his mom cutting a turkey. She cuts her finger. "F**k!!!!" she screams. The boy asks what that means. "Uh... cut!" she says instantly.

Now the grandarents arrive for supper. The little boy says, "Hi, bitches and bastards! Hang your boobies and dicks on the coat rack. Dad's upstairs putting Sh*t on his face, and mom's in the kitchen f**king the chicken!" The grandparents faint.

 

John accidentally got itching on his inner part of the thigh, he went to chemist for medicine. Chemist suggested him VIAGRA and ITCHGUARD CREAM. John asked to chemist, "ITCHGUARD is Ok but why Viagra ? " Chemist said "Coz when u sleep it will keep the blanket up".

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." 

On December 24th at eleven o' clock p.m., a girl with a bathrobe on and a bikini underneath it comes downstairs to find Santa delivering presents to her and her family. Santa looks at her. The Girl: "Santa, will you please stay?" Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows." The girl takes off her bathrobe. The Girl: "Oh, Santa will you please stay?" Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows." The girl takes off the top part of the bikini. The Girl: "Santa, please?" Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows." The girl takes off the bottom part of the bikini. The Girl: Oh, Santa, please?" Santa: Hey, hey, hey. Gotta stay, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney with this pricker in the way!"

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample. The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on previous day. The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her month, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A c**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split. He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch! The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some big words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"

"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not OK to go outside and play. Then he went out to play"

"Very Good Jenny!"

Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed.

Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says.

"Hara**ment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said no, but hara**ment yes!"

Sine Flu Pandemic

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual hara**ment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!? The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. Im going to set the garage on fire!

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, If that thing was full of ice cream, Id eat every bite.

-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Saturday 6th of June 2009 06:01:56 PM

There once was a lad named Kevin
Whose girlfriend was four foot eleven.
She looked at his c**k
When it was hard as a rock,
And it was ten inches longminus seven

These funny tongue twisters are difficult to say and may be a little dirty if you say them wrong.


I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.


Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"


She sells sea shells on the sea shore !


Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.


I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.


Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.

Your momma's so smelly even sewer rats get out of her way.

Your momma's so smelly that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...

Your momma's so smelly even dogs dont smell her.

Your momma's so smelly she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

Your momma's so smelly she made Right Guard go left.

Your momma's so Smelly her poops glad to escape

Your momma's like a vacuum cleaner, she *u*ks, blows, and lays in the closet.

Your momma's like a toilet, she's so full of shit.

Your momma's like a hardware store 5 cents a screw

Your momma's like a squirell, she can't keep nuts out of her mouth.

Your momma's like a buffet, $3.00 and it's all you can eat!

Your momma's like buckleys, she tastes bad but works

Your momma's like a doorknob everyone gets a turn.

Your momma's like a light switch even a 4 Year old can turn her on.

Your momma's like a refrigerator, every one sticks there meet in her

Your momma's like a nascar driver she burns fifty rubbers a day

Your momma's like a shotgun 2 c**ks and shes ready to blow

Your momma's like a hockey puck everyone gets a whack!

Your momma's like a merry go round everyone gets a spin!

Your momma's like a bus everyone gets a ride!

Your momma's like a boomeramg she keeps coming back for more.
Your momma's so greasy she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair.

Your momma's so greasy the chip shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry.

Your momma's so greasy her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

Your momma's so greasy she uses bacon as a band aid.

Your momma's so greasy her freckles slipped off.

Your momma's so greasy she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forhead.

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask Got enough air in there?

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if youre embarra**ed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: Youre one of THEM - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY I wonder what all these do? And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: I have new socks on.

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: Is that your beeper?

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: This is my personal space.

14) WHEN theres only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasnt you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say youre waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say Hi Greg, Hows your day been?

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: Thats mine!

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND youre a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that dont exist.

22) CALL out Group hug then enforce it