Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Poly grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.

 

The top 40 ways men fail in bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and *u*k them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go b****ing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

HEY GUYS! NEXT TIME REMEMBER THESE RULES AND THE LADY MAY INVITE YOU BACK.

 

Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant...

"I finished the Oreo's."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream."

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk ?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"

"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

 

Definitions of words by gender...

THINGY (thing-ee) n. 
Female: Any part under a car's hood. 
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male: Playing football without a helmet. 

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. 
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n 
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." 
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. 
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. 

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 
Female: An embarra**ing by-product of digestion. 
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. 

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. 
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

 

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out

Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I'm interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line connection clear......
and let tech support be always near!

Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my puter from catching
......a virus and end up crashing!

Amen

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Schwarzenegger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and god asked them what there business is.
Arnold replied "I want to be your right hand man."
Mr T said "I wanna be your left hand man."
Chuck Norris said, "Get the out of my chair."

A man says to his wife, "Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing."
Wife says, "I don't want to go."
Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se.
Wife pick blow job. After she *u*king for a while she says, "It tastes like sh*t.
Man says, "I know, dog didn't want to go fishing either."

this man is jokes u know. UNNO HEAR WAT DI MAN WUDA SEH INFRONT HIM MADA oh boy

There was a couple who had been married for a long time,and one day, they were walking through the park together, when they saw a young couple sitting on a bench, kissing each othervery passionately.

A Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho wanted to take a day off work to go into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over.

"Obediah, ah have to go to Kingston today, but ah want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. Yuh tink you cyan handle it?"

"Yes, sah, yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how tings went yesterday?"

"I had was to treat t'ree patients," said Obie proudly.

"De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol."

"De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox."

"Good work, good work," said the doctor, 'And what about di t'ird patient?"

"Well, sah, dis ooman bust through de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem.Den she shout out, "Help mi! Fi five years now mi nuh see any man!"

"Lawd, God man." exclaimed the doctor, "So what yuh do?"

"Mi put drops inna her eye dem sah!' replied Obie proudly.

Who said there aren't perfectly good uses for used condoms? I can give you at least 50 that are sure to be great examples...

Bicycle handle grips.

French tickler animals.

Shower caps for people with tiny heads.

Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.

Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.

Get 1000 and make a submarine.

Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.

Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.

Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.

Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.

Water wings for those non-swimmers.

Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.

Jello molds.

Finger puppets.

A wind sock.

Use as a bobber when fishing.

Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.

Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.

Suspenders.

Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)

Small animal muzzle.

Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.

Put them on your toes to make swim fins.

Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.

Automatic door closing devices.

Have 'water' balloon fights.

Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.

Freeze them for an all- natural Popsicle.

Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.

Use for a Xmas stocking for those times when coal doesn't tell 'em just
how bad they screwed up this year.

Ear/nose plugs.

Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".

Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.

Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.

Paint scales on them & put them in a fish tank.

"I challenge you to a duel!"

Drain plugs.

Put them in with your tax return.

Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.

Punching bags.

Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.

Send 50 of them to your ex-girlfriend.

Novelty key rings.

Hang them all around your windshield and be a Chicano.

Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.

Break out your paints and make wax fruit.

Put them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.

Make a "water" bed.

Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!

Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

 

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent...	12 calories
Without partner's consent...	187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands...	7 calories
Using one trembling hand...	36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner...	1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor...	16 calories
Using skateboard...	3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man...	2.5 calories
Losing erection...	14 calories
Searching for it...	115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection...	1.5 calories
Without erection...	300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced...	6 calories
Inexperienced...	73 calories
If a man does it...	650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing...	7 calories
Sliding around...	9 calories
Serious skidding...	12 calories
Whiplash...	27 calories
ORGASM
Real...	27 calories
Faked...	160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off...	35 calories
Expression didn't change...	0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled...	6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds...	7 calories
Small birds...	3 calories
Earth moved...	30 calories
PULLING OUT
After orgasm...	0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm...	500 calories
PENIS ENVY
For woman...	3 calories
For men...	72 calories
GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion...	30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'...	10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room...	7 calories
Putting it on your expense account...	9 calories
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant...	5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay...	14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time...	10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls...	7 calories
Partner is making phone calls...	40 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse...	60 calories
By your spouse...	100 calories
Trying to explain...	55 calories
Trying to remain calm...	100 calories
Leaping out of bed...	75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion...	500 calories

 

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/sports/White_Guys_Can_Jump/

-- Edited by shattabwoy on Monday 8th of June 2009 09:47:54 PM

-- Edited by shattabwoy on Monday 8th of June 2009 10:14:31 PM

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida. He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?" The hooker replied "100 Bucks" The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money" So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs." So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had. The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?" She said "200 dollars" "200 dollars that's a lot of money" She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs." So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package." "1000 dollars' "1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money" So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a P**y."

TELL ME WAH U THINK

<a href="http://www.commentsjunkie.com/funny.shtml"><img src="https://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb218/commentsjunkie/funnymix/funny08.gif" alt="Funny Comments" border="0"><br><u>Funny Comments</u></a>

I was a  big fan of the Simpsons, can you believe how long the show has been around? Everyone has their favorite characters, but mine is definately Homer. This guy says the funniest (and often completely true) things. Here is a list of the all time best Homer Simpson quotes ever. Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose: its how drunk you get.Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, youd step over your own mother just to get one! But you cant stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!Whats the point of going out? Were just going to wind up back here anyway.Im normally not a praying man, but if youre up there, please save me, Superman.Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin but what good does that do me?I hope I didnt brain my damage.Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Its what separates us from the animals except the weasel.Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?Old people dont need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything thats even remotely true!How could you?! Havent you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didnt hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.You dont like your job, you dont strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. Thats the American way.Oh, Im in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I dont have to listen to myself. Im drunk.

Well, that does it for me. If youve got anymore that I missed - or you have your own favorites, add them below in the comments. All the cool kids are doin it.

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

THE HIGHER THE EARS & TAIL.......THE HORNIER THE DOG IS..........
THE LOWER THE EARS & TAIL...............THE MORE DEAD IT GETS..........
THE MORE TEETH YOU SEE...............YOU SEE THE SWEETER IT BE!



-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ on Monday 8th of June 2009 12:23:09 AM

Elton John goes into a chemist.
Can I have some Vaseline please? he says to the woman behind the counter.
Awww, sore lips? says the woman.
No dear, its for chaps

What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
Slobadan Micokyabic.

Doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck up my arse!
Ill have to give you some cream for that.

Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesnt fart when you take the meat out.
**********
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. Youve already told her twice.

What do Tony Blair and Peter Stringfellow have in common?
They both love bush.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, playing the piano?
Clever Dick.

Whats pink and hard first thing in the morning?
The Financial Times Crossword.

A woman went in to a chemist and asked if they sold extra large condoms. Yes we do. Would you like to buy some? replied the shop assistant. No, but do you mind if I wait till somebody does?

News flash just in A man flashed at three old ladies sitting on a bench on Clapham common two had a stroke but the other couldnt reach.

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Italian grandma's advice to granddaughter!     A young Italian girl was going on a date.   Her Nonna said: 'Sit ta here ana letame tella you about   this-a younga boy.     He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna like-a dat,   but no let him-a do dat.     He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna like-a dat too,   but no let him-a do dat eeda.     But mosta important, he's agonna try ana   lay on topa you, you are agonna really like-a dat, but   no a let-a him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza   our family.     With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her   date..     The next day she told grandma that her date went just like   she had predicted: 'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace   our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me,   I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced   HIS family!'     Nonna fainted!!

A teacher asks her class, ?If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left??
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ?None, they all fly away with the first gun shot?

The teacher replies ?The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.?

Then Little Johnny says ?I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married??

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ?Well I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?

To which Little Johnny replied, ?The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.?

A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My Aunt has a sweater with nine buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

Top ten reasons to tell if you were caught sleeping. 10. They told me at the *lo** bank that this might happen.9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time.7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercies to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!3. The coffee machine is broken.2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot.1. Amen. 

 

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 02:10, 2008-10-25

The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, Ive lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 10:58, 2008-10-25

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 01:02, 2008-10-25

-- Edited by Ryan_g23 at 13:22, 2008-10-25

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down.