PJ is my shepherd; I shall not want,
He leadeth me beside the still factories,
He restoreth my doubt in Jamaican Politics
He guideth me to the path of unemployment,
He anointeth my wages with taxes,
Surely Poverty and hard living shall follow this administration
And I shall be living in a rented house forever.

5000 years ago, Moses said, "Pack your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass and I shall lead you to the promised land."

5000 years later Michael said "Lay down your, shovel, sit on your ass and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, PJ will tax your shovel, sell your camel, screw your ass and tell you the promised land is Africa.

-- Edited by JamaicanQueen on Saturday 18th of July 2009 09:01:21 PM

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.................


So I took her to the gas
station

nuh kno if it post yet

A "dread" was living in rural Jamaica in a community that had no electricity supply.

One evening he was reading his Bible (Macabee version) and meditating, assisted by lighting from a bedside lamp (Home Sweet Home), but was bothered by the constant nuisance of some mosquitoes.

He could bear it no longer so he decided to cover up under his sheet in bed, but it was useless as the mosquitoes kept biting him on his ears through the sheet.

He got up and blew out the lamp and went back under the sheets, hoping that the mosquitoes would not be able to bother him if they could not see him. The Mosquitoes did not bite him for a few minutes giving the "dread" hope that his so-called plan had worked out perfectly.

Now he was only hearing the constant "humming' of them flying around in the room. It was getting real hot under the sheets, so the "dread" decided that he would take off the sheet as it was too dark for the mosquitoes to see him now.

When he removed the sheets, lay on his back and looked up in the ceiling, he saw a 'peenie wallie' (Firefly) flying around. The "dread" shouted out "*lo** CLAATT!! DEM CUM BACK WID FLASHLIGHT FI I AND I!!"

-- Edited by Gehto Travler on Saturday 18th of July 2009 11:22:57 AM

Memba when you do all you homework at school so dat as yuh reach home you ramp so til you hear smadddy shout out "yuh madda a ccooooommme!" and yuh dash inna yuh house and change yuh school uniform as yuh would surely get a beaten fi inna yuh uniform at 6pm. Memba when yuh go school 7 days a week fi keep yuh outa trouble. Mon - Friday regular school and private lesson, saturday class, and sunday school at church which is a half day affair Memba if yuh kin poopah lick and bu'st out you pants, yuh get a beaten Memba 10 cent bulla and jackass corn Memba when you turn on the tv at 4pm and wait till JBC sign on at 5pm, stand at attention sing the national anthem, and den sit back and watch some cartoon. And dont figet di Big Bwoy story whey you did haffi hide and tell Memba when yu a come fram school and stop fi pick cherry off Mass John cherry tree and dawg run yu dung Memba when yu madda sen yu fi tek the clothes fram affa di line but yu wait til night den yu fraid fi go by yuself Memba when yu fraid fi go a shop by yuself a night because Miss Matty jus' dead and yu tink yu might si har duppy Memba when yu and yu fren dem decide seh unu a go run a boat, the biggest cart wheel dumplin yu eva si! Memba when coming fram school ina di rain and yu tek off yu shoes and walk barefoot all the way home a race board horse inna di gutter water Memba when dem use fi gi weh free milk powder and bulga rice a school, an' yu play milk powder war all the way home Memba when dem good rice and peas and chicken Sunday dinna with a nice refreshing glass ah carrot juice Memba when yu 'ave roast breadfruit and ackee and salt fish breakfast jus' barely a day afta yu Saturday Peas soup wid cho-cho, turnip, carrot an' punkin Memba when teacha beat yu because yu neva do yu homework Memba marning time when yu reach a school jus in time fi devotion and yu betta mek sure yu ave yu hym book and yu bible, yu pleat dem betta in order and yu khaki well starch Memba dem good ole starch uniform ( coudda stan up by demself ) and yu nice shine brown or black shoes Memba when yu madda use fi seh "Go pick a switch mek a beat yu" Memba Christmas time when everybody a mek a suit fi gran market night, mama stay up a bake cake, draw sorrell, cook curry goat, don't figet the case a D&G soda and red stripe beer weh unda the bed Memba when a ginnep seed fly dung yu throat and smaddy 'ave fi lick yu back fi mek it fly back up Memba when yu swallow chewing gum & dem seh yu ago ded cause it ago tie up yu tripe Memba a come fram school and stap fi get the last piece a Miss Brown toeto and a sky juice Memba dem seh nuh buy nuh sky juice fram Mr. Tom because 'im ave sore foot Memba when dem seh nuh buy bun & cheeze from juicie cause him use di knife cut & clean him toenail Memba saving part a lunch money fi buy ice cream fram creamy weh come pan Sunday Memba a fling stone fi lick dung ginnep and the stone bus yu bredda head Memba the peanut man ... the jackfruit lady ... the orange man ... the sarda-pan man Memba a play marble wid yu bredren dem Memba a go a bush wid yu fadda Memba a go undaneat the cellar fi the fowl egg (yes I do) Memba a jump rope wid yu fren dem ... One two Beeny ... lick im mek im feel eh, mek im know yu mean eh, yu mean eh, yu mean eh Memba playing "Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack, All Dressed In Black Black Black" Memba a kick foot ball wid yu fren dem roun' a ball grong Memba when Cristmus come and we watch JohnCunu jump up and down and we get fraid? Memba yu madda sen yu go a shop and yu sing the list all the way deh ... "one pint milk, one bread, 1 lb a flour. But when yu reach deh, yu tell the shop keeper yu want "1 pint of bread, 1 lb of milk & a flour Memba when yu last yu madda money and yu fraid fi go back home because she might beat yu Memba settin up the roosta dem fi fight Memba all dem good duppy story, and nancy story wi 'ear growing up Memba how yu use to fraid fi walk a night cause yu tink sey black-heart-man woulda tek yu weh Memba when bokkle cut yu foot bottam dung a gully Memba when yu use to stone Missa Smith mango tree dem, and we use to tink seh him have gun Memba when yu left all day and go a rivva an go cook and when yu come come yu get a beaten Memba when yu unifarm get dirty Monday marning, and Yu madda beat yu ina di evening If you memba all the above THEN YOU OLD NO RATHID!

In a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called 
to the witness stand his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman 
named Miss Ivy.
The attorney approached her and asked, 'Miss Ivy, do you know me? She
> responded, 'Why, yes of course me know you, Mr. Williams. Me know you
> since you was a likkle pissing tail pickney, and wata big
> disappointment you is to you family. You is a ole liard, you cheat pan
> yuh wife, yuh chat people bizniz, and yuh red-eye, grudgeful and
> licky-licky. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you
> will never amoun to nuttin more Dan a
>  Two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know yuh very well alright!!'

>  The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
> the room and asked, 'Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?' She
> looked over at the defense attor ney and replied, 'Of course, me know
> Mr. Bradley since him was a likkle bwoy too.

>  Him lazy, and good-fe-nothing, him boasy, and him always a gwaan like
> him white. Him caan=2
> 0build nuh normal Relationship with any woman 'cause
> him a man unda covah. Fe him law practice a di worse eena Jamaica
> Him chat nuff, him a ole teef, him dutty and nasty. A three different
> woman an four man me hear seh him a grind undah covah, an one a di
> woman dem a you missis (points at juror member)!!
>  Yes sah, me know him well..' The defense attorney almost died of 
> embarra**ment

> The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
> quiet voice, said, 'If either of you ra**clawt bastards ask her if she
> knows me, a gwine lock up oonu b*m*o-clatt eena jail fe contempt!.'

-- Edited by Dj Quiva on Saturday 11th of July 2009 09:56:28 AM

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,
when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower
stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,
stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same
manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became
silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"






I found the remote," he mumbled.

---

-- Edited by CALOSS at 16:22, 2007-09-11

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

A guy is driving his Kriss deportee down a dusty Jamaican
 country road when he sees a sign, "Star apples J$100.00 each".
 
 Curious to find out why one star apple should cost that
 much, he stops and asks the farmer why the star
 apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Bway dese
 are special bulla and pear star apples. Here, try one
 nuh?" The man takes a bite and says,
 "Unbelievable; I taste the pear, but not the
 bulla." The farmer says, "Just
  turn it around an bite again man." He does so and he
 savours a sweet bulla.
 
 The farmer says, "Mi have fish an' festival star
 apple, too, but dem is $200.00 each." The man is
 excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these
 are great but I taste the fish but not the festival!."
 The farmer says, "Just turn it around, man." He
 does, takes a bite and the unmistakable taste of a sweet
 crunchy festival fills his mouth.
 
 The farmer nods in approval and says, "Now, if you
 really like dat, mi 'ave some extra special apples dat
 cost $500.00 each. They're pum pum apples."
 "Pum Pum apples?" The man cannot resist and whips
 out his $500.00 note. He takes a bite and spits out in
 disgust, shouting "YUCK, these taste like shit!"
 The farmer cooly responds, "Jus' tun it 'round,
 man!!"

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Big toon dis, big toon

NeverPullOffTheRoadToPoop_6.mpg - 2.56MB


link 3

-- Edited by BABY on Wednesday 15th of July 2009 04:50:15 PM

BITCHOLOGY    When I stand up for  myself and my beliefs,  they call me a  bitch.  When I stand up for  those I love,  they call me a  bitch.  When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts  or do things my own way, they call me a  bitch.  Being a bitch  means I won't  compromise what's  in my heart.  It means I live my life MY way.  It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.  When I refuse to  tolerate injustice and  speak against it, I am  defined as a  bitch.  The same thing happens when I take time for  myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.  It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!  So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce   of beauty I hold within me.  You won't succeed.  And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.  I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.  B - Babe  I - In  T - Total  C - Control of  H - Herself  B = Beautiful  I = Intelligent  T = Talented  C = Charming  H = Hell of a Woman  B = Beautiful  I = Individual  T = That  C = Can  H = Handle 'anything'

 

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=254017041&albumID=4964&imageID=15915919

 http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=254017041&albumID=4964&imageID=15915919

http://www.zshare.net/audio/598207541c56e9c0/

THis funny nuh rawtid lol

Q: How do you get a fat chick into bed?

A: Piece of cake

WHAT WHOULD FEAR YOU THE MOST....YOUR ON A DATE WITH THE GIRL/MEN YOU REALLY LIKE AND HAVING A GREAT TIME (watch tv,play video games, swimming etc.) AT HIS/HER HOME AND  ORDER  FOOD, FEW HOURS LATER YOU FELT STOMACH PAIN YOU HAD TO SHYT. BUT ITS GETTING REALLY BAD YOU MESS YOURSELF UP WHAT WHOULD YOU DO??

Pants and Panties
 
Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear  them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
 
Ever since that night, we have
never had any  problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good  thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said  to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.  They don't fit me.'
 
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to  Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine..'

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

A Priest has a number of hens and one rooster. One Saturday he goes

into the coop to get some eggs, and can't find the rooster... This

bothers him because he knows that some people in the community

engage in c**k fighting and may have stolen the c**k. The priest

figures he can find the culprit at church the next day.  
 
On Sunday, he gets up in the pulpit and says, 'all of you who have a c**k, 
stand up'!

ALL THE MEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

'No, no!' says the priest, 'I mean all of you who have seen a c**k,
please stand up'.

ALL THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

No, no!', says the priest. 'I mean, all of you who have seen a c**k
that doesn't belong to you, stand up'.

HALF OF THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

' No! You still don't understand. All of you who have seen my c**k,
stand up'.

ALL OF THE NUNS, HALF THE ALTAR BOYS,  STOOD UP.
 

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

I found this funny It's educational but fat man scoop is too much him jealous seh him wipe ah rub dung the condom lol
I WANT THE KY WARMING LUB NEED IT FAST

-- Edited by JOP-PUNISHA on Saturday 13th of June 2009 12:24:25 PM

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic infects thousands & hundreds of pigs were killed around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the c**k - what could possibly go wrong?

This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...



Until he went to prison

It looks like....., but it can't be. Is it?

A: Best Gf/Bf any one could have
B : You love a certain someone
C: People cant help but check you out
D: You are really lovable
E: You are great in bed
F: People love you
G: You never let people tell you what to do
H: You have a very good personality and good looks
I : You are easy to fall for
J : People adore you
K: People can trust you
L: Awesome kisser
M: Easy to fall in love with
N :You're the best f**k ever
O : You're the best kisser ever
P : You are popular with all types of people
Q : You are a hypocrite
R: You love to kiss
S: Loud and likes to have fun.
T: Loves music
U: Beautiful
V : You are not judgmental
W: You are popular
X: You never let people tell you what to do
Y: Worth waiting for....

Z: Toot your own horn and put whatever you want

PEEPS TELL ME WAT U THINK ABOUT SOME BIG GREY TONE MAN A CRY TRU MIKE DEAD?

After a hard day at work Puncie arrived home and walked into her bedroom to find her husband in bed with another woman. The woman was asleep but Puncies husband was awake and shaking with Fear of what Puncie would do.

Puncie spun around and headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. Her husband jumped out of bed to follow her. He grabbed her and said, Puncie, me lub,me sarry. Puncie replied, yu no sarry yet. Wait til mi don wid har. Den yu wi sarry! Puncies husband said, lawd Puncie man, no gwane so. Beg yu please no hurt har. Yu see dat nice Maxima wey we drive? a she buy it gi mi.Yu si yu weddin ban an diaman ringpan yu finga, a fi har money me tek buy it gi yu. An a wey yu tink me get de money fi pay di magage dis month? Puncie stopped for a few seconds to think then replied, Den cova har up no? We no want har fi kech cole!!

A woman three months pregnant falls into a coma. Six months later she
awakes and ask the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor.

"Luckily, your brother named them for you"

"Oh nuts," not my brother! he's an idiot! "What did he call the girl"

"Denise," the doctor replies. Thinking that's isn't so bad, she ask.

"And what did he name the boy?"

The doctor answer "Denephew"