After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind.", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........ The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?

-- Edited by madest-one (Mod) on Wednesday 30th of September 2009 01:51:54 AM

State-by-state divorce rates Press Thu Sep 24, 3:09 am ET State-by-state breakdown of 2008 divorce rates, according to census figures released this week. State 2008 percent divorced Ala. 12.0 Ariz. 12.3 Alaska 12.4 Ark. 12.5 Calif. 9.7 Colo. 11.9 Conn. 10.0 D.C. 10.0 Del. 10.9 Fla. 12.4 Ga. 11.3 Hawaii 9.1 Idaho 11.7 Ill. 9.5 Ind. 12.3 Iowa 10.2 Kan. 11.2 Ky. 12.5 La. 11.6 Maine 13.6 Mass. 9.1 Md. 9.8 Mich. 11.2 Minn. 9.7 Miss. 11.3 Mont. 12.3 Mo. 11.7 N.C. 10.3 N.D. 8.1 Neb. 10.4 N.J. 8.2 N.H. 11.3 N.M. 12.4 N.Y. 8.4 Nev. 14.2 Ohio 11.8 Okla. 12.9 Ore. 12.8 Pa. 9.2 R.I. 11.0 S.C. 10.1 S.D. 10.3 Texas 10.7 Tenn. 12.5 Utah 9.4 Va. 9.6 Vt. 12.6 Wash. 12.5 Wis. 10.0 Wyo. 12.6 W.Va. 12.1 ___ Source: American Community Survey

i don't know if this was ever posted

http://www.mediafire.com/?knvnudoyu31


kanye's a gay fish that's why him diss taylor swift.

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys
his age rather
curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out'
from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and
how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who
became rather flustered. Instead of explaining
things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and
her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while,
then he turned off most of the lights. Then he
started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started looking
funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand
inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way
the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the
doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding
her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because
pretty soon both of them started panting and getting
all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it
under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and
sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end
of the couch. This was when her fever started. I
knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt
really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so
sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants
somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood
there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he
grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got
big, and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell
her about the ones down at the lake by our house!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by
biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the
eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of
the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend
almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill
the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great
sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they
killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there,
limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the
battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He
started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the
eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started
to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to
kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was
dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin
off and flush it down the toilet.

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday
morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the preist and says, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"
She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of
his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it." The priest looks
up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and
drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the
fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
I have sinned." The priest asks" Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The
priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,
"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The
fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so *lo**y funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water.

-- Edited by gamepun on Saturday 22nd of August 2009 11:58:22 PM

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

-- Edited by zjmartian888 on Tuesday 15th of September 2009 06:31:50 PM

MI ALL GET BAN TO BLO.OD**** BUT ALIFE WEN U TALK THE TINGZ DEM

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.     dirty joke material >>>

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.                                       

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

Who's This Guy

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

____________________________________________________________________

Fiya fi da joke yah

Little Jonny

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina. She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis." Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher." Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" asked the teacher. My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with

"A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.  A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."  She added that she did not know exactly what it was, but the piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 isClick Here.
 

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. 'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?'  'Tammie give it to me.' Bubba replied.  'She gived it to ya?  I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'  'Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell ya' what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Well, Tammie pulled off'n the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,  'Bubba, take whatever you want.'  So I took the truck!'  Jimmy Joe: 'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ (Mod) on Sunday 30th of August 2009 06:15:17 PM

It was the first day of a new school year. Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy "Why are you tardy," the boy replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat." She asks the next boy why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied. Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer. As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in. "Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Bluberry Hill aslo" "NO.... I am Blueberry Hill" replied the girl.

Your momma's P**y is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn

I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said tuna surprise

I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said crabs

Your momma's like a gun, two c**ks and she's loaded!

Your momma's like a vaccum cleaner ... She *u*ks, blows and gets laid in the closet.

Yo Mama's like a mosquito, you have to slap her to get her to stop *u*king

---

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. Child: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Mom: Jewelry, dear.

check dis out.....send shivers down my spine everytime me see it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K0OS4gCpos

I dunno if you guys seen this already but everytime i watch it i DEDDDD ...



-- Edited by Shottess at 04:01, 2008-05-21

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 04:05, 2008-05-21




-- Edited by Shottess at 12:44, 2008-05-21

.. Yuh wing soon clip

... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow

... **** an dawg nuh have de same luck

... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad

... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten

... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near

... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina

... Yuh head faver johncrow airport

... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest

... It too early. **** no even put on im draws yet

... But unu see mi dying trial!!

... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"

... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel

... Yuh free paper soon burn

... Yuh more harm than hurt

... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near

... It holey holey but it clean

... But cuh pon yuh too

... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird

... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat

... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far