Forum: Funny Stuff
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care
LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
You can't dig half a hole! It would just be a different sized hole |
There are 3 singers singing in a pub. Shaggy,Craig David and Britany Spears. Somebody farted and Shaggy goes
IT WASNT ME
Craig said
I'M WALKING AWAY
and britany said
OOPS I DID IT AGAIN
and the next day somebody farted agin and shaggy said
IT WASNT ME
craig said
I'M WALKING AWAY
and britany said
STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!!!!
Q:What do a Lawyer and sperm have in common? A:They both have one in a million chance of being human!
at the gates of heaven they meet St Peter
he asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a penis. the nun replies "i poked one once" St Peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven"
he asks the next nun the same question, she replies "i findled with one once". "wash ur hand in this holy water and enter heaven"
then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front
"whats wrong?" he asks
the nun replies "if im going to have to gargle that holy water, i want to do it before Sister Anne washes her ass in it"
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN :
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE :
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man !!!!!!!! (If you're a woman that is !!!)
'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot!'
Sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...
'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'
'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
'Sorry about the mess...'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'
'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'
'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'
'Hurry up, golden-rod...'
'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'
'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'
'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'
'Control, control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'
'I never knew I had it in me.'
'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'
'Back door, huh? Good idea!'
'She's gonna blow!'
'I think you'll fit in nicely.'
'Rise, my friend.'
'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'
Are you a prostitute or a consultant?
You work very odd hours.
You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
You are not proud of what you do.
Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
It's difficult to have a family.
You have no job satisfaction.
If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
You are embarra**ed to tell people what you do for a living.
People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.
You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.".
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.
Don't be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your spout.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection! Protect your erection.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, No love.
Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
Part 1
Part 2
nuff badword cuss suh youngsters get a headset or keep it low
-- Edited by Star bwoy on Monday 24th of August 2009 06:48:13 PM
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" asks the boy.
"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Sunday 31st of May 2009 08:35:31 PM
Sexy Spec From Pretty Ricky Gets tipsy While Trey Songz Cuss him Out lol ahahahah
Fidel Castro of Cuba, Maurice Bishop of Grenada and Michael Manley of Jamaica were returning from a meeting with Mikael Gorbachev in Moscow in the late 1970s. However, there was a powercut over the entire Caribbean, so the pilot of the plane they were in could not identify which country they were over so the plane could land.
The three leaders reassured him that they could identify their respective nations, as long as he opened a window. This the pilot immediately did. After flying for a while, Castro shouted: Si! This is my beloved Cuba. I smell the sugar! The pilot then located the landing strip, let off Castro and took off again.
Bishop then erupted: There she is, my spice island. Smell that nutmeg! The pilot landed, let off Bishop and took off again
with only Manley on board. What about you sir?, he enquired, How are you going to identify your country? Everything is under control Manley replied. He then stuck his hand with a $50,000 gold watch outside the window. When he took it back in, the watch was gone. Were over Jamaica! he announced.
As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.
Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a womans opinion. they found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlies sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.
A garda pulls over a speeding car. He says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Are you sure? I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman ,didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut!" The garda frowns and says "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an on the spot 60 euro fine. "The driver says, "Well, you see sir, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the garda is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The garda looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" Smiling sweetly, she replies. Only when he's been drinking, sir."
-- Edited by madest-one (Mod) on Wednesday 30th of December 2009 06:23:00 PM
JOKE OF THE DAY(two sisters runing jokes so me had to share it ) text message joke---dj naz post
and the text says;;;;
SHELLY wrote: REMEMBER WHEN WE USE TO TRAVEL ON THE BUSS
AND I WOULD STICK OUT MY ASS AND U WOULD STICK OUT UR FACE
.........
AND PPL THOUGHT WE WHERE TWINZ
HAHHAAAHAH AHAHAHAAHAHAH WHEN ME READ IT NEARLY DEAD
PRESENTS:...................................................................WE
I usually ignore young money so i dont really get some of the jokes here but i figure there's a joke somewhere in there
WYZCO/DJ TEACHA BUILL HIM GRAVE...NEW DJ COME KILL HIM ...DJ STRESS..(GIRL)
-- Edited by Dj Stewie on Tuesday 29th of December 2009 02:46:23 AM
Reggae Christmas feat. Cutty Ranks aka Papa Cutty
PENNIS AROUND THE WORLD......LOL LOL LOL(dj naz post ) lol
-- Edited by dj naz on Monday 28th of December 2009 08:55:44 AM
-- Edited by +0p$h0++@ (Mod) on Monday 28th of December 2009 03:09:45 PM
DOES MEDIAZONE BADMAN HAVE POTENTIAL TO SING? LMAO!
Hands down this goes to me for the most horrendous, ear piercing, *lo**y nose,
Acapella's compilations over the course of 5 seconds.. This gut wrenching sound of Sirens can put dogs to sleep with out the cruelty of the lethal injection.. I put the Horror in HORRIBLE... This 5 second compilation is only for the Strong Hearted, Please refrain from turning the speakers off of mute, and keep all animals and little children 400 to 500 yards away from all hard surfaces.. May cause quick actions to commence HEAD BANGING!!
Listen to what I did with autotune....
CLICK THE IMAGE TO DOWNLOAD
-- Edited by Mediazone Badman on Friday 25th of December 2009 06:20:10 AM
Alvin & The Chipmunks - Deck The Halls.mp3
Alvin & The Chipmunks - Snowman.mp3
Alvin & The Chipmunks - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.mp3
Alvin & The Chipmunks - Here We Come A Caroling.mp3
Alvin & The Chipmunks - O Christmas _Tree (OTannebaum).mp3
Alvin & The Chipmunks - Santa Clause Is Coming To Town.mp3
Alvin & The Chipmunks - Jingle Bells.mp3
Alvin & The Chipmunks - The Twelve Days of Christmas.mp3
Alvin & The Chipmunks - Up On The House top.mp3
Alvin & the Chipmunks - Christmas Song.mp3
Alvin & the Chipmunks - Christmas Time.mp3
Alvin & the Chipmunks - Crashcup's Christmas.mp3
Alvin & the Chipmunks - Here Comes Santa Claus.mp
Alvin & the Chipmunks - It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas.mp3
Alvin & the Chipmunks - Jingle Bell Rock.mp3
Alvin & the Chipmunks - Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.mp3
Alvin & the Chipmunks - We Wish You A Merry Christmas.mp3
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=5MEO8VVP
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