THIS LADY GOES to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
Every morning John would drive down Long Lane. And almost every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $20.
After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.
After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.
He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now this?
John replied, "Bwoy, times have been hard; my eldest boy just started University and my daughter is now at High School ... so you know how it goes ..."
The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how many children do you have boss?"
"Four" replied John.
The now irate Beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So you mean to tell me that is out of my money yuh sending yuh children to school?"
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"
I love you!
-- Edited by GLAMAROUS_RUE on Friday 21st of August 2009 01:20:58 AM
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlikeEnglish, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1... No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ (Mod) on Saturday 7th of November 2009 01:03:34 PM
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarra**ing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
"Good morning class, welcome to mediazone JA the ultimate forum, now i hope you all know that today is zone appreciation day and each pupil is required to show their appreciation to............" BAM!!!!!! "What the hell!!" exclaimed the teacher in surprise as she saw Nico standing at the doorway looking flushed, tired and worn out and clothes tattered and in rags. "s....sorry..... for being....... late..... Miss Ivonna" said nico gasping for breath, "but remember the other day when me did deh a yuh yaad and yuh husband almost ketch me a stab out yuh front....... well me jus find out seh a gamepun, and yuh neva tell me seh him a wah memba a appli... me mean alliance....... oh god a tyad" said nico panting. "WHAT A PSSUYHOLE!" Said Pedz standing up blinded by rage. "Wah kinda ting that yah deal wid miss and look how long me did a beg the likkle pssuy and yuh talk bout seh, all in due frigging time, and yuh give this long seed, ugly looking, disgrace of a human being and me buddy deh yah a dead from cob @#$%ing web! Yow yuh bait me up yuh zeet!"
At this time the class was as silent as a graveyard, everyone wanting to know more. "ok" said Miss Ivonna, "You caught me, the truth is me love c0cky bad bad bad, and gamepun only have time fi run dung gaza man like seh him a @#$% dem like jeffery @#$%ing hype, him soon alla put tatoo pon hand to, watch deh mi alla chat patois weh me nuh usually do. cho!" suddenly the principal 'Head master' wyzco came up, and said " you have a new student Ms Ivonna, she came straight from Armadale for good behaviour, her name is Nazaria, but you can call her naz for short." He said while showing the student in, suddenly the only two females in the room, Rue and Sarah jumped up and dived on Naz, at the same time yelling. "a she teck me man come mek we pop out har locks.... hey get some acid a gaa tun har innah monkey today yah" Same time two sharp explosions were heard and Naz got up holding Sarah ( aka lippzy) by the neck whereas sarah fell and Naz brandished a chrome 'Makileven' the whole class gasped and started to back away, footsteps were heard outside and they looked to see Principal wyzco tearing down the hallway running and screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HELP, SECURITY, MURDER, RAPE!!" Naz looked around and said. "look if unnuh a talk the ole draws face, Panty title man dem pon mediazone me nuh want none a them, look like unnuh want coppa start spin like dub plate, my man will come fi unnuh anyweh yuh deh, so sink that innah unnuh likkle Pea brain, unnuh ugly %&%* hole unnuh, all if nuh informer innah this a GUNSHOT me seh!!!! Oh Members that!! See all you Pimp, a long time i waa @#$% up all you ennuh, but yuh betta pray them Petroleum jelly and tissue, weh hide an back yuh fiss pon can save yuh, all if yuh full a duppy like Mark watson, and Freeze yuh betta pray to MZJ seh me nuh come cross yuh again yu hear oh" and she left leaving Lilpimp shocked out of disbelief. after she left titus whipered to Nyk who was sitting beside him, wah mek she couldnt call me name mek me show har supmn" "weh yuh seh?" Said a voice over him and he looked up to see naz's gun nozzle pointing at his head. water was heard dripping and they looked down to see that Titus had pissed himself, the whole class broke out in laughter, then nyk said. "Blousecup a wah smell so man!" then everybody looked at Titus, who looked down, and they burst out in laughter. Quiva ran up brandishing a cell phone and said, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH him piss and %&%* himself me haffi go send this to British to raa ha ha"................................................................................................................ I DONT WANN AMAKE IT TOO LONG SO STAY TUNED FOR MORE
to be continued.......
-- Edited by LilPimp on Thursday 10th of September 2009 03:05:17 PM
-- Edited by LilPimp on Thursday 10th of September 2009 03:06:43 PM
-- Edited by Dj Quiva (Admin) on Thursday 10th of September 2009 03:32:05 PM
-- Edited by jamaicabwoy (Mod) on Thursday 10th of September 2009 05:50:43 PM
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarra** an archeologist? A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits? A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex? A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women? A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians? A: Hair balls.
Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a p*u**yy? A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
A professer gave his class an assignment, and the only reason for not finishing it would be if you were sick or a close relative died.
So this guy raised his hand and said " What about sexual exhaustion?"
The whole class burst out laughing.
After the laughter died down the professer replied " Maybe you should consider using the other hand!!!!!"
The husband leans over and asks his wife, Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.
.. Yes, she says, I remember it well.
.. OK, he says, How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?
..
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!
..
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, Ive got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. Ill just keep an eye on them so theres no trouble. So he follows them.
.. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.
.. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didnt know.
..
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, Ive got to ask them what their secret is
..
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, Excuse me, but that was something else. You mustve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?
..
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, Fifty years ago that wasnt an electric fence.
Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten. We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !! He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there." Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is.......... .... .... ... ... ... ... ... . ..
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from LIME, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
A Yardie is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Yardie ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation
Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread?"
Yardie (in a bad mood): "Of course"
Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we does only eat what's inside. The crust, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans".
The Trini has a smirk on his face.
The Yardie listens in silence The Trini persits: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Yardie: "Of course"
Trini: (Cracking he gum wid he teet and chucklin')"We don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we does put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them into jam and sell the jam to the Jamaicans".
The Yardie then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"
Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says smirking
Yardie: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Trini: "We throw them away, of course"
Yardie: "We don't. In Jamaica we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell deh r**s dem ah Trinidad.
'''an elephant and a mosquito decided to try n F*** since they were both horny...after consecutive backshot the fly finall got tired...upon finishing he ask how was it..the elephant who was eating stop n replied...oh u started i though
]
