Forum: Funny Stuff
An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a
little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams ! in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!
Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money."
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. Shewrites: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma |
That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual.
She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu wah some a dis?".
Her husband looks up at her wide-eyed and says. "No sah, yu mad, yuh nuh see wha it do to yu panty!"
Wal-Mart has everything
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog , urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
This monkey is soo deteremined to get some HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
LOOK HOW THE MONKEY IS PULLING BACK THE GOAT LIKE COME HERE GIRL DNT RUN FRM THE DICK LOL
Wife: "A wha dat?"
Husband: "A mus' one space ship."
Wife: "Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!"
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: "Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?" The husband's eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: "Come een, come een. Of course you can come an' res' yuhself." So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: "Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests." Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: "Well, dats alright with me."
Wife: "Oh, I don't know, because I don't really believe in dat kind of t'ing."
Husband: "Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know."
Wife: "Well, OK then."
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, "would you like a bit more length?"
Wife: "Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?"
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, "would you like a bit more width?"
Wife: "Width! Well, OK then."
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter.
The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: "Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?"
Husband: "Stuups ..... No! All night long di damn woman just deh deh a twis up, twis up mi ra** ears dem"
STEVEN'S MESSAGE (Funny screenshot) lol read it through
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little surprised;'Usually people lie say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... We put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.'
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clocks. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh, OK", said the man.
"So who fah clock dat?" he asked pointing to a gold clock on the wall. "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Eh heh?", said the man. "And who fah clock is dat one?" he asked again, pointing to a huge silver clock on the wall. St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"So whey the clock dem of some Jamaican politician dey?" asked the man. "Those? They're using them in hell as ceiling fans
THE DAY U GOT A SHOES!!!!!!!.....TWO AT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
-- Edited by ZONEJ-NAZ on Tuesday 21st of July 2009 08:39:25 PM
OOO SOOO CUTE......FOR LOVERS----------------------(DJ NAZ )...O SO CUTEEEEE.........
| |||||||||||
-- Edited by Dj Quiva on Tuesday 28th of July 2009 02:40:34 PM
"MOM? MEET LISA , WHERE ARE GOING IN THE KITCHEN TO MAKE SANDWICHES"
SO WHILE THEY WERE IN THE KICTHEN, HE TOLD HER OK, WHEN U WANT IT HARDR, SAY TOMATO, WHEN U WANT IT DEEPER SAY LETTUCE
SO THEY WERE BUSY DOING THERE THING, SHE SCREAMS OUT OOH, LETTUCE!!, TOMATO!, TOMATO!LETTUCE!
WHEN THEY WERE FINISH, SHE WAS WALKING PASS HIS MOM TO GO THE BATHROOM, THE MOM SAID
CHILD!! HOW CAN U BE SO NASTY, WIPE THAT MAYONNAISE OFF YOUR MOUTH
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.
-- Edited by MZJ on Thursday 23rd of July 2009 05:07:38 PM
Teach them how to dagger when they are young...lucky kids!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikxMGCYYvRY
EDIT: someone reported the video & got it removed ...here's another link
http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhWt91c488KXsSzl25
-- Edited by Pr0n on Thursday 30th of July 2009 03:00:44 PM
Puncie spun around and headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. Her husband jumped out of bed to follow her. He grabbed her and said, "Puncie, me lub, me sarry". Puncie replied, "yu no sarry yet. Wait til mi done wid har. Den yu will sarry!"
Puncie's husband said, "lawd Puncie man, no gwan so. Beg yu please no hurt har. Yu see dat nice Maxima wey we drive? A she buy it gi mi. Yu si yu weddin ban an diaman ring pan yu finga? A fi har money me tek buy it gi yu. An a wey yu tink me get de money fi pay di magage dis month?"
Puncie stopped for a few seconds to think then replied, "Den cova har up no? We no want har fi ketch cold!!"
The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu".
Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!"
Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.
Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."
The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "ra** mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"
His mother replied "is di ting whey yuh fada heng im hat pan."
The next day Big boy heard the word 'f**kin' being used. He went home and asked his father this time what it means. His father replied, "Dat a jus when u a put on clothes fi go somewhere."
Big Boy heard yet another word, 'b*m*o', so he went home and asked his parents what it means and was told that 'b*m*o' is a walking stick.
It was now Sunday and pastor stopped by to give Big Boy and his parents a lift to church. When pastor saw that only Big Boy was ready to go he asked, "Where are your parents boy?"
Big Boy replied, "Them upstairs f**kin so come een an put yuh hat pan dah raas deh an lean up yuh b*m*o right deh suh!"
| Late ketch Dulcie, suh she decide fi tek a short cut. As she a mek har way through di bush, two man ole har dung an rape har. She report it to di police, who ketch di man dem afta couple a days. When di case reach a court, Dulcie had to tek di witness stand. Here's a bit of the court transcript ... Clerk of the Court: Miss Black (Dulcie), please describe to the court what happened on the night in question. Dulcie: Well sah, as a was mekkin mi way through di bush, dem two man deh just jump out pan mi, hol mi dung, tear aff mi draws and push dem c*cky inna mi p*ssy! Judge: Please, please, please, please, Please. Miss, could you please be kind enough to use the proper names for the body parts in question! Dulcie: Wah yuh mean sah? Judge: Please say he pushed his penis into your vagina. Dulcie: OK sah. Clerk of the court: Please continue Miss Black. Dulcie: As a wuz sayin, dem ole mi dung and push dem, ahm ... excuse mi sah, a wah yuh seh a di nickname fi c*cky an' p*ssy is again? | |
-- Edited by realpatriot on Saturday 18th of July 2009 10:47:14 PM
The Jamaican ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Trini: 'You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread??'
Jamaican: (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In Trinidad , we only eats what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans.' The Trini has a smirk on his face.
The Jamaican listens in silence.
The Trini persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'
The Jamaican: 'Of course.'
Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the Jamaicans.'
The Jamaican then asks: 'Do you have sex in Trinidad ?' Yes smile awhile
Trini: 'Why of course we do', the Trini says with a big smirk.
Jamaican: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Trini: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Jamaican: 'We don't. In Jamaica , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell them to Trinidad .'
Nuh Ramp Wid Yardie.
-- Edited by gaza_girl18 on Friday 7th of August 2009 08:15:21 AM
dj f**** a ****ing ediot enuh star lol lol lol
NOT A RA SS
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
husbands' constant demands for sex,
decides to make a schedule for him,
to cut down on the amount of times
that they will have to make love for
the rest of theirmarriage.
While getting ready for work, she
writes on apiece of paper, "Honey,
you know I love you, but your
never endingrequests for sex
are leaving me drained and really
tired.
So I propose that we only have sex
on days that start withthe letterT ,
to minimize the frequency of our
lovemakingsessions". Don't be mad
at me honey, just understandwhere
I am coming from, and let me know
if my request is toodemanding of you.'
On her way out the door, she uses a
refrigerator magnet and sticks the note
to the fridge door,hoping that her
sex craved husband will be understanding
andaccepting of her proposal when
he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at
therefrigerator andnotices that
her note has-been replaced with
a note from herhusband that reads,
'Baby, I didn't' realize that I was
putting youunder so much pressure
and I'm sorry. I accept yourproposal
and have even taken the extra step
of listing atthe bottom of this letter,
those days starting with theletter 'T'
to make sure that we are
on the samepage.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TONIGHT
5. TOMORROW
6. TATURDAY
7. TUNDAY
P.S. I love you too, and it's still TODAY,
I'mwaiting for you upstairs.'
-- Edited by Dj Blitz on Monday 17th of August 2009 11:08:22 PM
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.
Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.
Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say b!$%h She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball
Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.
Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say p**sy, she called on Frank, who said paper.
Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.
Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.
Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother ****ing Rat"
What IF JAMAICA RESTAURANTS DELIVERED(PPL PREE THIS IT FUNNY LOL)
*Ring Ring Ring* (phone rings)
Restaurant Cashier: Yanisha's Jamaican Cuisine, how may I help you?
Customer: Hello, I'd like to place a few orders: 3 medium boxes of oxtail with rice and peas, and one large stew chicken with rice and peas with vegetables too.
Restaurant Cashier: Hol on deh cah mi nuh sure if wi hav nuh more stew chicken lef back still ...
Customer: Okay.
Restaurant Cashier(Yells to someone in the kitchen): RICKY! Stew chicken deh round deh?!?
Ricky: No man! yuh nuh rememba seh one yute did jus orda three large box a dat! mi neva know seh more people woulda want dat so mi nuh neva bodda fi mek no more ...
Restaurant Cashier (Speaking to Ricky): Aright den!
Restaurant Cashier (Speaking to customer now): Hello, sorry wi nuh have no more stew chicken, a yute just buy 3 large box a dat couple minute ago, you shoulda call earlier man! ... but yuh want two chicken patty instead? Dem jus come outta di oven eno.
Customer: Umm no thats fine, what else do you have?
Restaurant Cashier: Mi nuh kno still, mi just tek order and ansa phone .. mi nuh know weh dem do round a di kitchen yahhh *kisses teeth*
*Silence*
Customer: Umm do you mind checking for me please?
Restaurant Cashier: Bum***boclaat why yuh nuh just tek di two patty dem and done nuh man?! But aright hol on again ... RICKY! Wat else unnu have inna di kitchen??!?
Ricky: Pepper Steak, stew chicken gravy, and and and ... yea a it dat still!
Restaurant Cashier: Hello, all we have left is pepper steak and stew chicken gravy, mi can give yuh di two chicken patty and put some stew chicken gravy ova it fi yuh if yuh want still ...
Customer: No, that's fine ... I'll take the 3 medium boxes of oxtail with rice and peas and a large box of pepper steak with rice and peas. And I don't know if you make your oxtail spicy, but please don't if you do because it's more my younger kids.
Restaurant Cashier: Okay will that be all? And what is your name and address?
Customer: Yes. My name is Steven and I'm at 55 *la*hmsdale Rd.
Restaurant Cashier: Aright, 10 minute. By di way, dat will be $24.10 but yuh can just gi we $25.00
Customer: Okay thank you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30 MINUTES PASS:
*Customer calls in again*
Customer: Hi, this is Steven ... I called about 30 minutes ago and you told me the delivery guy would be here in 10 minutes but I haven't seen him yet.
Restaurant Cashier: Yo easy yuh self nuh, a nuh chinese restaurant dis ... dem yah food yah tek NUFF TIME fi cook man .. yuh wi get it .. no worry yuh self.
Customer: Wait, what??! So why did you tell me 10 minutes?!?
Restaurant Cashier: *Kisses teeth* A dat dem teach wi fi do, if mi did tell yuh 45 minutes yuh woulda cancel di orda don't it?
Customer: (At a loss for words)
Restaurant Cashier: Exactly, so jus gwan hol a medz or watch tv til di sumn dem finish ... *kisses teeth* (hangs up).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45 minutes pass
*Customer calls in again*
Customer: Yah hi, I made an order 45 minutes ago ... when will I be getting it delivered???
Restaurant Cashier: Ohh, a nuh me a drive still but mi think him suppose to deh right round di corner yah now
Customer: What??? Do you have his cell phone number to ask him?
Restaurant Cashier: Derek is a yute weh nuh usually have minutes pon him cell phone more time but mi wi call him fi yuh tho
Customer: (Aggravated) Okay thanks.
Restaurant Cashier: (Calls Derek) Derek! Weh yuh deh?! Yuh nah drop of di orda round a *la*hmsdale rd?!
Derek: Yeh man yeh man yeh man, mi soon reach! A shot mi a shot it go up a West Haven (a city 45 minutes away) fi go pick up mi likkle yute from football practice first den mek a quick stop by di laundry mat fi wash two shirt and ting ... gimme bout 15 minute! (Hangs up)
Restaurant Cashier: Hello, he said to give him about 15 minutes, there was an accident on the route he was driving on to get there.
Customer: (More aggravted) Alright thanks.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An HOUR AND 30 MINUTES PASSED.
*Derek finally arrives with the food, blasting 'Vybz Kartel - Hustle the money' from his car.* (Calls customers phone)
Derek: Yo, a Steven dis? A di delivery guy this from di restaurant ... mi deh outta door ... come out quick cah mi haffi do sumn else.
Customer: Finally, okay ... I'll be right out.
*Customer goes outside*
Derek: Wha gwan pops, see di food here ... oh by de way, di cashier did tell mi fi tell yuh seh wi run outta large box so she put di pepper steak inna one small box but she fill it up nuff nuff nuff fi yuh doe!.
(Customer looks shocked with their jaw wide open)
Derek: Oh! And anodda ting. Wi neva have much oxtail left so wi just a gi yuh two medium box but she seh she did fill dem up nuff nuff nuff ... but a three likkle pickney yuh did orda it fah so dem shouldnt eat much, jus make dem share it. Yuh fi stop spoil dem, chuh. She put one beef patty inna di bag too just in case it nuh fill dem up, and yeh wi a charge yuh fi dat too.
Customer: What?!? So my order is all wrong?!
Derek: Weh you meeeaaannn mann, no sah, yuh get di tings dem weh yuh ask fah .. ah vex yuh vex true yuh nuh get dem inna di size you want?! Yuh lucky seh you get sumn yah, a call call people phone and a ask bout food and when it a reach. Chuh. Send mi shoulda send yuh go a supermarket fi cook dem yuhself since yuh so impatient! Yuh ah tek dem or wha?
Customer: Whatever, whatever, whatever, I'll take them, so is the price going to be less?
Derek: Wha? Price less?! Noooo maaaannn, yuh get charge fi weh yuh orda .. nuh weh yuh get! A recession dis, money haffi mek dadda.
Customer: Ohhhh myyy gooshh.
Derek: Ohhh myyy gosshhh yuh *lo**clat! Oh my gosh yuh nah gimme di money star?! A gyal flex mi deh pon still eno. Hurry up hurry up!
Customer: Geez, okay okay, how much is it?
Derek: $35.00
Customer: Oh Wow, but first ya'll told me $25.00
Derek: $25.00 dolla?!!!? But yuh nuh easy! A rob yah try rob di place bredda. Yuh mussi want ah hearing aid to ra**?!? By di way, dat nuh include mi $10 tip or gas money yet
Customer: Tip? .. Gas money? You were an hour and twenty minutes late!
Derek: A dat yuh seh? A nuh me a cook di food still ... mi jus carry it come when it ready. But wait, yuh believe seh when yuh pay fi di food a pay yuh a pay me too? No sa! Drop inna extra five dolla bill cause mi neva haffi come yah
Customer *Pays and is waiting for change*
Derek: Oh, So a weh yah wait fah? A couldn't di likkle extra $10 change yah wait pon brejin, likkle more still....
Customer: WTF?!?
*Derek Drives Off*
Teacher asks Tim 'why is your cat at school today?' Tim's starts (cryin)and says: "I heard daddy tell mommy, i'm gonna tear that p**sy up when the kids leave for school".
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Jamaican Dancehall Fight - Mr Lexx vs Foota Hype (lmfao)
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried
-- Edited by JamaicanQueen on Tuesday 1st of September 2009 10:12:33 AM
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