Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4US9S4PzZo
Look at my horse
my horse is amazing
give it a lick
mmm - it tastes just like raisins
have a stroke of its mane
it turns into a plane
and then it turns back again
when you tug on its winkie
eww that's dirty
do you think so?
Well I better not show you where
the lemonade is made
sweet lemonade
mmm - sweet lemonade
sweet lemonade
yeah sweet lemonade
get on my horse
I'll take you around the universe
and all the other places too
I think you'll find that the universe
pretty much covers everything
Shut up woman get on my horse!
Look at my horse
my horse is amazing
give it a lick
mmm - it tastes just like raisins
have a stroke of its mane
it turns into a plane
and then it turns back again
when you tug on its winkie
eww that's dirty
do you think so?
Well I better not show you where
the lemonade is made
sweet lemonade
mmm - sweet lemonade
sweet lemonade
yeah sweet lemonade
get on my horse
I'll take you around the universe
and all the other places too
I think you'll find that the universe
pretty much covers everything
Shut up woman get on my horse!
dis gwine buss u belly wid laugh .....me get it inna e-mail
February 6, 2010
Started By Zib — 23 Comments
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in
and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women- she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Galea,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented
by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
with a union grievance causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13 October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed,
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here. ' One of the clerks passed out.
After I retired, my wife insisted that accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in
and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women- she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Galea,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented
by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
with a union grievance causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13 October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed,
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here. ' One of the clerks passed out.
SO ZONE THE GURLS HAVIN A PANTY CONVERSATION AND THIS IS WAT DJ TRAY SAID AT ONE POINT --LUUEEEEEEEEEE STAR
September 23, 2009
Started By dj naz — 46 Comments
dj tray wrote :1m, 8s ago: no panty liner mek mi balls itch 
YUTE DAMN U NUH EASY..UR WORDS NOT MINE...BUT HOW MAN WEAR PANTY LINER
YUTE DAMN U NUH EASY..UR WORDS NOT MINE...BUT HOW MAN WEAR PANTY LINER
Timmy wanted to av sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to some one else. One day, Timmy got so fustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll giv u a $100 if u let me screw u." But the girl said 'NO.' Timmy said "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by d time u pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she will have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him d story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200 , pick up the money very fast, he wont't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asked what happened.
She responded, "the bastard used coins !"
MANAGEMENT LESSON: Always consider a business in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
-- Edited by najah at 11:21, 2008-05-02
She responded, "the bastard used coins !"
MANAGEMENT LESSON: Always consider a business in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
-- Edited by najah at 11:21, 2008-05-02
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SU-KYCN6hYU
Rasta dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself. But the gates are closed as Ras approaches the gatekeeper..
St. Peter said, 'Well, You seem to be in the wrong place as I don't seem to have you on my list,but as there is such a crowd behind you and it would cause such a disruption I will give you an entrance examination if you pass it I will let you in.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can
get into Heaven.'fair enough sais the dread
I sure hope that the test ain't too
hard.Life was a big enough test as it was .'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know,
but the test is only three questions. Here they are:
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify,
so I will give you credit for that answer.
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
asked St. Peter.
How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied ras, 'but I think about that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve
seconds in a year?'
Well it got to be twelve he replied:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd....
'Hold it,' interrupts St.Peter.'I
see where you are going with this, and I see your point,though
that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have
to give you credit for that one, too
Third:
What is God's first name?'
well'Sure,' he replied with a big grin . .
'it's Andy..'
'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers
to my first two questions, but just how in the world
did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
Whenever I went to church i would hear them sing
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, man, run!!!'
-- Edited by mr_charm on Tuesday 9th of February 2010 09:15:19 AM
St. Peter said, 'Well, You seem to be in the wrong place as I don't seem to have you on my list,but as there is such a crowd behind you and it would cause such a disruption I will give you an entrance examination if you pass it I will let you in.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can
get into Heaven.'fair enough sais the dread
I sure hope that the test ain't too
hard.Life was a big enough test as it was .'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know,
but the test is only three questions. Here they are:
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify,
so I will give you credit for that answer.
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
asked St. Peter.
How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied ras, 'but I think about that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve
seconds in a year?'
Well it got to be twelve he replied:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd....
'Hold it,' interrupts St.Peter.'I
see where you are going with this, and I see your point,though
that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have
to give you credit for that one, too
Third:
What is God's first name?'
well'Sure,' he replied with a big grin . .
'it's Andy..'
'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers
to my first two questions, but just how in the world
did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
Whenever I went to church i would hear them sing
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, man, run!!!'
-- Edited by mr_charm on Tuesday 9th of February 2010 09:15:19 AM
As a devout Catholic, Maria doesnt use condoms with her husband. So over the years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too died. Eventually, Marias time also came.
At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together."
A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?"
Says the priest: "I mean her legs."
-- Edited by Gucci at 01:46, 2008-05-02
ra** - The Jamaican all-purpose word
True Wud !!
ra** is the Jamaican all-purpose word:
Greeting.............How de ra** yu do!
Fraud.................Yu too ra** tief!
Dismay..............ra**!
Trouble...............Oh ra**!
Aggression.........Watch yu ra** self!
Disgust..............Cho ra**!
Confusion...........Wha di ra** a gwaan!
Incompetence.....A wha di ra** yu a do....ra**-idiot!
Lost...................Whe di RAS we deh!
Pleasure............it nice nuh ra**!
Retaliation.........Yu ra**-claat...And of course..kiss mi ra**!
1. ra** is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement. .
Tekki back tu ra**!
Gimme back tu ra**!
2. ra** can be used in biology eg...
Look pan di gal ra**!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles....
Cover yu ra**!
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....
Me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly ra**!
Move yu ra** from me,
2RAS!
5. It can describe extreme pain....
It hot nuh ra**!
Me granny gi me some ra** lick!
6. It can describe size.....
Yuh foot dem big nuh ra**!
Him have a ra** mouth deh
As you can see ra** is the Jamaican all-purpose word.
Use it as often as yu ra** feel.
Me done to ra**!! Go do yu ra** work!! .
True Wud !!
ra** is the Jamaican all-purpose word:
Greeting.............How de ra** yu do!
Fraud.................Yu too ra** tief!
Dismay..............ra**!
Trouble...............Oh ra**!
Aggression.........Watch yu ra** self!
Disgust..............Cho ra**!
Confusion...........Wha di ra** a gwaan!
Incompetence.....A wha di ra** yu a do....ra**-idiot!
Lost...................Whe di RAS we deh!
Pleasure............it nice nuh ra**!
Retaliation.........Yu ra**-claat...And of course..kiss mi ra**!
1. ra** is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement. .
Tekki back tu ra**!
Gimme back tu ra**!
2. ra** can be used in biology eg...
Look pan di gal ra**!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles....
Cover yu ra**!
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....
Me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly ra**!
Move yu ra** from me,
2RAS!
5. It can describe extreme pain....
It hot nuh ra**!
Me granny gi me some ra** lick!
6. It can describe size.....
Yuh foot dem big nuh ra**!
Him have a ra** mouth deh
As you can see ra** is the Jamaican all-purpose word.
Use it as often as yu ra** feel.
Me done to ra**!! Go do yu ra** work!! .
A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, theyre free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts. Now, she says, which hole did the fart come out of? Thats easy, says the Devil. All of them. No, stupid It came out of my butthole
1. he is just a friend
2. i have my period
3. I'm tired from work
4. I love you
5. This p**sy is for u!!!!!!!!!
LIARS!!!! LADIES ADMIT TO IT NOW
2. i have my period
3. I'm tired from work
4. I love you
5. This p**sy is for u!!!!!!!!!
LIARS!!!! LADIES ADMIT TO IT NOW
Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some R&R. So Friday afternoon he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.
"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie and fly away before she knows what happened."
So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell"
"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie and fly away before she knows what happened."
So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell"
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
DA GRANNY YAH FIESTY NUH BLUDRED!!!!!!LMAO!LOL!!!!!!!!
May 12, 2009
Started By mrs kalongi — 26 Comments
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
...and now he can't have kids, but maybe it was worth it... :beatup:
March 11, 2009
Started By Pr0n — 40 Comments
Skip to about 1 minute into the video. (I'd set it automatically, but youtube embed links don't work here)
Daddy's Phone Call !!!!!!!!!!!! one phone call kud kill u!!!!FUNNY!!!!
May 4, 2009
Started By Dj SAB X — 41 Comments
|
-- Edited by Dj Quiva on Friday 15th of May 2009 03:42:08 PM
Typical macho man married typical good-looking, sexy gal and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?' 
His new bride said, 'No, that's fine with me.'
'Here are my rules: there Will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not.'
I WONDER WHAT HE DID? 
'Here are my rules: there Will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not.'
A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping, naked, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55year-old ass?"
" Your name never came up," she replied
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55year-old ass?"
" Your name never came up," she replied
-:lol:-Great Time To Practice Your Stripper moves-:lol:-
January 19, 2009
Started By J-goose productions — 9 Comments
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and were on the fire truck ready to go.
From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night. The next night he came home from work and yelled, BELL 1 The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled BELL 2, the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled BELL 3, they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled BELL 4 What the hell is BELL 4? asked the husband?
ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, she replied, YOURE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.
From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night. The next night he came home from work and yelled, BELL 1 The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled BELL 2, the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled BELL 3, they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled BELL 4 What the hell is BELL 4? asked the husband?
ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, she replied, YOURE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.
GOOD JOKE.............................. ONLY JAM. DOWN
Three prime ministers went to hell, Tony Blair, Bush, and Bruce.
Tony asked the devil if he could make a call to England
to see if the country is running ok. He made the call,
and he stayed on the call for 5 minutes.
Satan told him that the bill is 5 million dollars.
Bush also asked if he could call the US. He stayed on the call for 8 minutes;
it cost him $8 million dollars.
Bruce said he wanted to call Jamaica. He spent 2 HOURS on the call
then he asked Satan how much was the bill. He replied, '$1 dollar'.
He asked, 'How cum? Afta mi stay longa dan Blair an Bush?' Satan
replied, calling from hell to hell is a local call.
mark watson wrote 43s ago: ok enzo i'll tex it to ur fone ..... Dj Stewie wrote 47s ago: MAN A TEXT MAN 
mark watson wrote 6s ago: tweety u need to masterbate cause u have me mark nah work
mark watson wrote 18s ago: a girl tell me seh breeda sperms no reach breeding stage yet dats y him no get no yute yet
mark watson wrote 2s ago: who in here have sex since di month start & stewie & breeda don't seh unno
Dj Stewie wrote 13s ago: TWEETY WHO FA BABY YUH TEEF??? Dj Tweety wrote 12s ago: THEEF LIKE U STARVIN GYAL
Dj Stewie wrote 0s : DEH DUTTY CLECTA BOY DEH A MOVE LIKE HIM A SEE HIM PERIOD...JUST DEH PAN MI NAME
Dj Tweety wrote 3s ago: IT ONGLE MAD TO U STEWIE BCUZ IF U GET A GYAL FI DAGGA U CA FIND DI OLE
mark watson wrote 6s ago: tweety u need to masterbate cause u have me
mark watson wrote 18s ago: a girl tell me seh breeda sperms no reach breeding stage yet dats y him no get no yute yet
mark watson wrote 2s ago: who in here have sex since di month start & stewie & breeda don't seh unno
Dj Stewie wrote 13s ago: TWEETY WHO FA BABY YUH TEEF??? Dj Tweety wrote 12s ago: THEEF LIKE U STARVIN GYAL
Dj Stewie wrote 0s : DEH DUTTY CLECTA BOY DEH A MOVE LIKE HIM A SEE HIM PERIOD...JUST DEH PAN MI NAME
CRIMINAL TRYING ESCAPE!! LOL TELL ME IF HIM NUH FOOL
February 4, 2010
Started By KrYsIs — 12 Comments
Rasta dies and goes to Heaven.He is atthe
Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself.
But the gates are closed as Ras approaches the gatekeeper..
St. Peter said, 'Well, You seem to be in the wrong place as I don't seem to have you on my list,but as there is such a crowd behind you and it would cause such a disruption I will give you an
entrance examination if you pass it I will let you in
The test is short, but you have topass it before you can
get into Heaven.'fair enought sais the dread
I sure hope that the test ain't too
hard. Life was a big enough test as it was ..'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, Iknow,
but the test is only three questions. Here they are:
First:
What two days of the weekbegin with the letter T?
that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide andhe exclaimed, that is not what I was thinking, but you dohave a point, and I guess I did not specify,
so I will give you creditfor that answer.
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
asked St.. Peter.
How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied ras, 'but I think about that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve
seconds in a year?'
Well it got to be twelve he replied:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
'Hold it,' interrupts St.Peter.'I
see where you are going with this, and I see your point,though
that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have
to giveyou credit for that one, too
Third:
What is God's first name?'
well'Sure,' he replied with a big grin . .
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperatedand frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how youcame
up with your answers to my first two questions, but just
how in the world
did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of
God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiestone of all,'
Whenever I went to church i would hear them sing
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, man, run!!!'
this is a funny pic
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "f**kin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs f**kin'".
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "f**kin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs f**kin'".
BRUCE SOON START TAX PUCCI LOL LMAO LOL LOL(part3 govrmt jokes)
May 6, 2009
Started By mrs kalongi — 25 Comments
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embar****ed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Carlson," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"
Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think the Boy can go to the 4th grade.' & nbsp;
Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions for the boy.
Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam ask boy: 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg..
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good.
Boy: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME..
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
'Send this Boy to UNIVERSITY, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'.
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think the Boy can go to the 4th grade.' & nbsp;
Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions for the boy.
Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam ask boy: 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg..
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good.
Boy: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME..
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
'Send this Boy to UNIVERSITY, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'.
Here is why unuh nuh fi fool up nuh yardy pickney bout Santa Claus dem will bi scarred fi lifePlease control yourself if you are at work... if not gwaan bad
Dear Santa,
I know you probly wondering why I writing yuh one day after Christmas
but after opening mi presents dem yesterday, I just had was to write yuh. Santa, mi was a very good girl all year round.
Mi listen to mi mummy when she talk to mi and ah help out wid di chores dem round di
house. Ah even help di neighba pickney dem do fi dem chores tuh.
One day mi all help out di old crosses Mr. George, the blind an cripple one, cross the road when di odda children dem just ah watch him an ah tek gamble pon what kind of
cyar did ah go lick him dung. Santa, dem just lef him deh fi dead,but mi help him out.
Santa ah studied real hard in school this year, so hard till mi all come fuss inna di class. Ah make it mi duty to be nice and not naughty
Santa.
I was so good. Ah real good girl Santa.
Santa when ah write mi Christmas list to yuh dis year, ah ask yuh fi a Barbie princess doll, ah Barbie kitchen, ah Dora the Explorer computer game, a cyabbage patch doll and ah monopoly game.
So Santa, how the *lo** claat after reading mi list yuh leave under di Christmass tree ah phukking light up yo-yo, one plastic tea-cup set and ah phukking no name dolly dat look like she have polio and ah dead from
marli gripe an fluxxy complain
Santa is either yuh blind or yuh cyah *lo** claat read!!! Every year ah say ah would stop believing in yuh and like ah dyam fool mi always give yuh ah next chance, but not ah phukking-gain, yuh hear mi Santa? Not a
*lo**claat.
Yuh hear what ah say Santa? Yuh phukking fat red ra** yuh.
Yuh see all nex year, yuh betta dont try squeeze yuh big fat thru mi louvres dem, because Santa ah swear ah going phukk yuh up. It going to be me, you and dis sharp *lo** claat knife, so mi can jukk yuh inna
yuh belly.
Yuh hear mi sah? Mi ah go stab up yuh *lo**caat.
Imagine, yuh give that likkle c**k eye gyal Sally from cross di road everything that she ax fah. So much so dat she all nuh have nuh room fi walk round she house.
Yuh see all nex year Santa, ah will be back to mi good old self. Dat's right Santa. Ah not going give mummy nuh trouble or cause nuh havoc roun'ere . And Santa, a goin wait pon you patiently ....ah goin wait pon yuh paitently with ah big *lo** claat rock stone
fi yuh backside.
And den when you and them blasted reindeer dat favour some dyam oversize goat wid tree branch ah grow otta dem head top, com ho-ho hoing down pon i old rusty zinc nex Chirstmas.....BOOP!!!!! Is one ra** lick inna yuh *lo** claat head.
Santa ah going done yuh *lo** claat, Memba dat yuh hear Santa. TryMemba dat!!
Love
Likkle Keisha
THERE WAS THESE TWO GIRLS TRASING EVERYDAY ABOUT WHO FA P***Y TIGHTER EVERYDAY WAS THE SAME THING UNTILL ONE GET REALLY REALLY MAD AND SAID COME MEK WE GO A DOCTOR AND WE SEE WHO FA TIGHTER , THE TWO GIRLS THEM TELL THE DOCTOR THE MATTER AND THE DOCTOR SEH MEK MI CHECK YOU FIRST DOCTOR OPEN OUT HER AND SAID YO P***Y TIGHT SHE JUMP UP AN START SMILE BOUT MI TELL YO SEH MI P***y TIGHTER THAN FI YO, DOCTOR CHECK THE NEXY ONE AN SEH YO P***Y TIGHT, YO P***y TIGHT , YO P****Y SO SHE SEH DOCTOR WAH MEK YO SEH IT SO MUCH TIME THE DOCTOR MAN SEH A ONE TIME MI SEH IT A ECHO IT A ECHO LOL SO PPL WHO FA P***Y TIGHTER
Wife plays a cruel joke on husband for Kanye West tickets BUT BUT BUT !!! maddddd maddddd this is a must hear lol lol
January 24, 2009
Started By mz más quería veterano — 29 Comments
madddddddddd
-:lol:-Pointless security Camera{They're smart}-:lol:-
January 19, 2009
Started By J-goose productions — 23 Comments
-:lol:-Damn!!...People Even Run on Water When Scared-:lol:-
January 19, 2009
Started By J-goose productions — 19 Comments
-:lol:-WILL THEY NOTICE IF I LICKED IT???-:lol:-
January 18, 2009
Started By J-goose productions — 26 Comments
A Bajan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissant, bread,
butter and jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The bajan ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Trini:
'You bajan folk eat the whole bread??'
Bajan: (in a bad mood):
'Of course.'
Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In Trinidad, we only
eats what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the bajans.' The
Trini has a smirk on his face.
The bajan listens in silence.
The Trini persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'
The bajan: 'Of course.'
Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't.
In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the bajans.'
The bajan then asks: 'Do you have sex in Trinidad?'
Trini: 'Why of course we do', the Trini says with a big smirk.
Bajan: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Trini: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Bajan: 'We don't. In Barbados, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Trinidad
butter and jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The bajan ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Trini:
'You bajan folk eat the whole bread??'
Bajan: (in a bad mood):
'Of course.'
Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In Trinidad, we only
eats what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the bajans.' The
Trini has a smirk on his face.
The bajan listens in silence.
The Trini persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'
The bajan: 'Of course.'
Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't.
In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the bajans.'
The bajan then asks: 'Do you have sex in Trinidad?'
Trini: 'Why of course we do', the Trini says with a big smirk.
Bajan: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Trini: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Bajan: 'We don't. In Barbados, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Trinidad
joke: ra**CLAATTTT ( got it in my email)passin it on
November 1, 2008
Started By dj naz — 20 Comments
Dear ra**hole:
>
> You a one a di best *lo**claat
> bredren mi eva ave an u know that raas deh a true
> No matter what kina ra**claat waan happen
>
> I will be standing right beside you ugly P**yclaat.
>
> I will be there,
> any time a di *lo**claat day.
>
> To lend you a b*m*oclaat hand or do a
> a f**kin good deed.
>
> So just call me P**yclaat
> whenever the ra**claat you need me bredren.
>
> Cho ra**... I will always b*m*oclaat
> be ra**claat there to the *lo**claat end.
>
>
> Send this b*m*oclaat promise
>
> to 10 of your ra**claat friends
>
> to show your P**yclaat friendship
>
> and watch who a go *lo**claat send it back'''
>
>
> You a one a di best *lo**claat
> bredren mi eva ave an u know that raas deh a true
> No matter what kina ra**claat waan happen
>
> I will be standing right beside you ugly P**yclaat.
>
> I will be there,
> any time a di *lo**claat day.
>
> To lend you a b*m*oclaat hand or do a
> a f**kin good deed.
>
> So just call me P**yclaat
> whenever the ra**claat you need me bredren.
>
> Cho ra**... I will always b*m*oclaat
> be ra**claat there to the *lo**claat end.
>
>
> Send this b*m*oclaat promise
>
> to 10 of your ra**claat friends
>
> to show your P**yclaat friendship
>
> and watch who a go *lo**claat send it back'''
>
Two parents go to a nude beach with son lol ..... funny !!!!
December 22, 2008
Started By River$Ide — 27 Comments
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
A woman goes to a doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got a problem. You see, I was born with 3 fannies. What can you do for me?"
The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three fannies, side by side.
After a moments thought the doctor goes to his desk, opens a draw and gets out a roll of gaffer tape. He then proceeds to tear off two strips and places them over the woman's two outer fannies.
"Ok then," says the doctor when he's finished, "you can get dressed and go now."
"Has that cured my problem then?" asks the woman.
"Not really," says the doctor, "but at least it'll stop you getting f**ked left, right and centre."
The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three fannies, side by side.
After a moments thought the doctor goes to his desk, opens a draw and gets out a roll of gaffer tape. He then proceeds to tear off two strips and places them over the woman's two outer fannies.
"Ok then," says the doctor when he's finished, "you can get dressed and go now."
"Has that cured my problem then?" asks the woman.
"Not really," says the doctor, "but at least it'll stop you getting f**ked left, right and centre."
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