A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpas room

Grandpa, Grandpa, she says excitedly, As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!

What? said her Grandpa.

Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, were all going to Disney Land!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother

-- Edited by Ill-matic on Wednesday 21st of April 2010 07:46:29 PM

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.

Little Johnny says to himself Good, I want to get outta here. Im smart and will answer the question.

Teacher: Who said Four Score and Seven Years Ago?

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, Abraham Lincoln.

Teacher: Thats right Susie, you can go home.

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: Who said I Have a Dream?

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, Martin Luther King.

Teacher: Thats right Mary, you can go.

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: Who said Ask not, what your country can do for you?

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, John F. Kennedy.

Teacher: Thats right Nancy, you may also leave.

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, I wish these b*tch%s would keep their mouths shut!

The teacher turns around: NOW WHO SAID THAT?

Johnny: TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and
all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident
that,the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and
have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty
partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State
until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then,they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result,
they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final
the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a
test booklet. T hey quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool,they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to
be easy....

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....



For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Once upon a time, there was a blonde driving down the highway. In the distance, she saw a brunette doing jumping jacks in the middle of the road, so she decided to pull over.
The brunette was jumping up and down clapping her hands over her head, and shouting, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!" So, seeing how this looked like fun, the blonde got behind her, and started doing jumping jacks, and shouting, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!"

This goes on for about an hour, and the brunette got tired, so she sat down. But the blonde decided to continue because she was having the best time of her lifedoing jumping jacks in the middle of the highway shouting twenty one.

Along came a truck and splat! There goes the blonde. Well the brunette got up and went back into the road and started doing jumping jacks and shouting, "Twenty two! Twenty two!

A Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.

Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:

Lady: Mawning offica

Officer: Mawning Maam

Lady: I'm here to report an accident

Officer: Go ahead Maam

Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.

Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.

Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.

Just a couple weeks ago, he was featured, proudly boasting on YouTube about his accomplishments and his United States visas, and insulting several popular figures in the dancehall/reggae industry; all while waving a gun (later alleged to be a fake gun) and telling the cameraman to PUT IT PON YOUTUBE. Days later, his visas were revoked, and now todays Clovis cartoon (which was featured in the Chat magazine), shows Ricky Trooper bawling like a baby (wearing diapers at that) over the revocation of his visas.

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,
"Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers.
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

Guts or balls.
There is a medicaldistinction. We've all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

 

GUTS:

Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your

wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,

or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS:

Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume

and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt , and having

the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby !'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

 

"Both result in death".....!!!!

-- Edited by LaDy J on Wednesday 21st of April 2010 02:16:13 PM

Dont get queasy yet its not real lol

Lil Johnny walks in his parents bedroom and dad has mom bent over and he is going at it. Dad winks at Johnny and Johnny leaves the room. Dad finishes and thinks he better talk to Johnny. After looking through the whole house, dad finds Johnny upstairs with grandma bent over and is putting it to her hard. Dad flips out and screams "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" Johnny winks and says... "Not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

-- Edited by *~*~Sweet Applezz*~*~ on Wednesday 14th of April 2010 11:05:32 AM

-- Edited by *~*~Sweet Applezz*~*~ on Wednesday 14th of April 2010 11:06:13 AM

Myspace Funny Pictures

-- Edited by bblunt on Tuesday 17th of March 2009 01:14:47 AM

DRIVING HOME ONE AFTERNOON

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.

The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

WAIT THERE IS MORE!!! lol

Dj Tweety wrote  1m, 11s ago:

MAFIA  BITE ME

kartle wrote  4m, 11s ago:

PU SS Y SUCINNNN

kartle wrote  5s ago:

U READY I;M WAITIN

-- Edited by Dj Tweety on Saturday 10th of April 2010 01:27:12 PM

Man Of The Year Award 2009

5th place

4th place

3rd place

Runner-up

And The Winner Is

SHAMELESS!!! WHAT CHICK IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD GET A TATTOO LIKE THAT?????

MUDSLIDE A PLAY AN PREE WAH DI MAN SEH LUUUUUUUUU

-- Edited by Ill-matic on Saturday 3rd of April 2010 11:35:51 PM

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )


THE ANSWER IS

Spoiler

A Last Name

Don goes into a store and sees a shiny object.


He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"


The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."


The Don asks, "What does it do?"


The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."


The don says, "I'll take it!"


The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos.


His  boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with
you?"


He said, "It's a Thermos flask."


The boss asks, "What does it do?"


He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."


The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"


Then don replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."