Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
i need this bus for my bday DAMNN THIS IS SO ME
January 29, 2008
Started By dappa75wifie — 28 Comments
"Phone rings and the chinese maid
>picks up the phone as her master is bathing..... When the caller asked
>what's he doing, the maid replied: MASTUR BATING!
>picks up the phone as her master is bathing..... When the caller asked
>what's he doing, the maid replied: MASTUR BATING!
A Chinese couple got married.
When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and
>blonde, skin was brown. Finally,the father named the baby SUM TING WONG.
When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and
>blonde, skin was brown. Finally,the father named the baby SUM TING WONG.
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.
So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."
So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."
>THIS WAS SOME FUNNY MESS!!!
>
>
>> > HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
>>THINKING,
>> > "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"
>> >
>> > WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
>> >
>> > I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
>> > DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY,
>>I
>> > REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD
>>BEEN
>> > IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY
>> > THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??
>> >
>> > UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
>>BALDING,
>> > GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN
>>MY
>> > CLASSMATE. HMMM....OR COULD HE ??? (are you thinking of about 3/4 of
>>the guys at our
>> > last class reunion??)
>> >
>> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
>>HIGH SCHOOL .
>> >"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>> >
>> > "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
>> > HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>> >
>> > "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
>> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT,
>>GRAY, DECREPIT
>> > S-O-B ASKED,
>> >
>> > "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
A lady visited her doctor one morning.Doc said: You look so weak and
>exhausted! Are you having your meals 3 times a day as I advised? Lady :
>Doc, I thought you said "3 MALES a day!
>exhausted! Are you having your meals 3 times a day as I advised? Lady :
>Doc, I thought you said "3 MALES a day!
DO NOT STOP AT THE 1T OR 2ND PIC TO GET THE JOKE U MUST SEE ALL 3 WINNER MEN THIS MEAN U TOO
Difficult choice but don't be swayed by just good looks...
Here they are; the three finalists for the '2007 Greatest Ass in the World
THIRD PLACE
*
*
*
*
*
SECOND PLACE
*
*
*
THE WINNER
*
*
*
*
Difficult choice but don't be swayed by just good looks...
Here they are; the three finalists for the '2007 Greatest Ass in the World
THIRD PLACE
*
*
*
*
*
SECOND PLACE
*
*
*
THE WINNER
*
*
*
*
How to recognize a blonde antelope ra**c*atSSSSSSSSS
February 2, 2008
Started By dappa75wifie — 3 Comments
dah one ya bad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVndvFoQt34
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVndvFoQt34
Polish DivorceA Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?It made of concrete.I don't think you understand.Does either of you have a real grudge?No, we have carport, and not need one.I mean. What are your relations like?All my relations still in Poland.Is there any infidelity in your marriage?We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.Does your wife beat you up?No, I always up before her.Why do you want this divorce?She going to kill me.What makes you think that?I got proof.What kind of proof?She going to poison me.She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbD2gXtNX94
this is jus...lol
-- Edited by Mekhilla at 16:01, 2008-02-18
this is jus...lol
-- Edited by Mekhilla at 16:01, 2008-02-18
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?' Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up brushed herself off and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray' Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested NO male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I'll be damned if they haul me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a
baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she
said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have
pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh
-- Edited by Jamecho at 08:48, 2008-02-03
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up brushed herself off and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray' Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested NO male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I'll be damned if they haul me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a
baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she
said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have
pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh
-- Edited by Jamecho at 08:48, 2008-02-03
minnie told mickey he wants a divorce , mickey said "b*t*h you crazy?" minnie said no im f**kin goffy
Mamma Coo Coo
http://www.speedyshare.com/859737644.html
cut n paste
-- Edited by djmercenary at 11:04, 2008-02-02
-- Edited by djmercenary at 11:04, 2008-02-02
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
Condom says to Stayfree; When you work, I lose seven days of
>business.Stayfree replies; If you fail to work once, my business stops for
>nine months.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
>An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
> >other for a long time.
> >Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
> >married.
> >Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
> >regarding how their marriage might work
> >They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
> >Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
> >their physical relationship.
> >"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
> >"Well," she said, responding very carefully,
> >"I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."
> >The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his
> >glasses,
> >he casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"
So, there is 2 Isreali soliders at their post & the time is just approaching 7pm curfew.
Suddenly 1 of the soliders takes aim & shoots dead a man moving hurridly thru the area. The other solider questions "Why you do that is still 15mins till curfew?"
To which the other replied, " I know him, I know where he lives,.......... he wouldn't have made it!"
Suddenly 1 of the soliders takes aim & shoots dead a man moving hurridly thru the area. The other solider questions "Why you do that is still 15mins till curfew?"
To which the other replied, " I know him, I know where he lives,.......... he wouldn't have made it!"
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says . . ..
Swimming pool??
....Is this 555-7039??????"
No.
Click............
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says . . ..
Swimming pool??
....Is this 555-7039??????"
No.
Click............
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well
during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they
give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed..
The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained,
then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I
only have two of?"
Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I
don't have in my pants?"
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"
during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they
give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed..
The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained,
then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I
only have two of?"
Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I
don't have in my pants?"
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"
Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.
The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s...
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2006
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s...
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2006
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year old said, "have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible. "You think you've got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is that I don't wake up until 11:30.
"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible. "You think you've got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is that I don't wake up until 11:30.
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don''t know."
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don''t know."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
Now I lay me 
Down to sleep 
I pray the Lord 
My shape to keep. 
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags 
And please lift my butt 
Before it sags. 
Please no age spots
Please no gray 
And as for my belly,
Please take it away. 
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young, 
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep. Please no wrinkles
Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags. Please no age spots
Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away. Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE
>>
>>
>>
>>A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
>>alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
>>seductively
>>signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
>>gently caressed his full beard.
>>
>>"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
>>hands.
>>
>>
>>"Actually, no," he replied.
>>
>>"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
>>hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
>>
>>"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
>>do?"
>>
>>"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
>>forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
>>fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
>>
>>"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
>>
>>"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
>>towels in the ladies room!"
>>
>>
>>
>>A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
>>alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
>>seductively
>>signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
>>gently caressed his full beard.
>>
>>"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
>>hands.
>>
>>
>>"Actually, no," he replied.
>>
>>"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
>>hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
>>
>>"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
>>do?"
>>
>>"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
>>forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
>>fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
>>
>>"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
>>
>>"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
>>towels in the ladies room!"
A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on
Friday afternoon.
As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd
gathered. A male reporter from one of our 'big' newspapers, anxious
to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a
clever sort, he started shouting loudly, " Unnuh let me through! Let me
through! A mi madda get lick-dung. "
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey.
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=04f2UJOPJfQ]
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mz3EgsMSMGA]
ouch to dude @ 00:12
ouch to dude @ 00:12
I Love Blow - Energy Drink Mix on NBC News in Miami
February 6, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 3 Comments
They never cease to amaze me....fools
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Do3xsS9HHv0 ]
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