every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa
dies.'



A Jamaican in the front yells out, 'Den stop clap yu ra** han, nuh

 man!!!

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
(I)A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence andyoushoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like yourthinking."Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 womensittingon a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of thetriple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top andsucking thecone. The third is biting off the top of the ice-cream. Which one ismarried?"The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the onethat'sgobbled down the top and sucked the cone."To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is the one with theweddingring on, but I like your thinking.

"LITTLE TONY ON MATH
(II)Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father."The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,' I said "6", replies TONY."But that's right!" says his dad."Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' ""What's the f**king difference?" asks the father."That's what I said!

"LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are goingtolearn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of amulti-syllable word?"TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job.

"LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
(I)Little TONY was sitting in class one day.All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.The correct word you want to use is "urinate".Please use the word "ur-i-nate" in a sentence correctly, and I willallow youto go."Little TONY thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but ifyou hadbigger tits, you'd be a TEN!

"LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
(II)One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the samesentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.""Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael."My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on littleTONY."Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!'

"LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar afteranother. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, youknoweating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rotyour teeth,and make you fat."Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business."

-- Edited by Gucci at 21:50, 2008-02-21

tis MAD!! LMAO

http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=javnsz&s=3

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 00:45, 2008-01-31

JA KNO STTTTAAARR!!!!!


-- Edited by Riot_Tresanne at 17:58, 2008-02-20

Trevor and Tony are walking home from Greater Portmore to Waterford after a night of drinking. They have no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Trevor has an idea and says to Tony: "Go in deh and tief a bus so we can drive home and mi wi stay out ya and watch out fi di police". Tony duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Trevor is wondering what the hell he is doing so long. Eventually Trevor sticks his head around the wall and sees Tony running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What di hell you a do Tony, move it!" to which Tony replies "Mi caan find a Waterford bus anywhere Trevor!" Where upon Trevor, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "Yu stupid idiot Tony, tief a rassklawt downtown bus and mek wi get off at the T-Junction and walk di rest of di way!"

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

---

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
 
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
 
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.



The priest, who was wat ching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
 
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Marcus was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Jamaicans celebrate when tings good, and we even celebrate when tings nuh so good. In dis case, tings nuh so good. Mi have cancer. Mek we go a de bar go drink two juice." After 3 or 4 Red Stripe, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more rum. They were eventually approached by some of Marcus' old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. Marcus told them that the Jamaicans celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "Dem tell mi seh mi have AIDS." The friends gave Marcus their condolences, and they had a couple more drinks . After the friends left, Marcus' son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Pops, mi tink yu seh yu have cancer, but now yu jus tell yu fren dem seh yu have AIDS! " Marcus said, "Mi nuh waant none a dem a sleep wid yu Madda aftah mi gaan!!! "

You know you are on a flight to Jamaica When ...


- You get to the airport before the Air Jamaica counter staff

- Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator

- The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says "Yuh only have one piece? Beg yu check een dis ya piece ah luggage fah mi nuh. DO!"

- Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a. system starts to say "this is NOT a boarding announcement."

- You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a motor vehicle engine block into the overhead compartment

- At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent

- You can only get the Observer to read, no Gleaner roun' here

- People are trying to figure out what "Port of Embarkation" means

- The passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!"

- Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis ya patty fi mi nuh baby"

- The plane starts to descend, and a woman in the seat behind you says to her friend ... "Come Darris, time fi go tile-it an' tidy!"

- The overhead compartment smells like fish, jerk chicken and rum ... then something from up there starts to drip on you.

- Most of the passengers clap when the plane lands

- While the plane is still moving and taxi-ing to the terminal, people are unbuckling their seat belts, grabbing their hand luggage and heading towards the plane door

- Everybody who have a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave go straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line in Customs.

A PRETTY GIRL WENT TO CHURCH, TO MAKE A CONFESSION TO A PASTOR, AND THE MAN ASKED HER WHAT THE MATTER IS.

SHE THEN SAID MY BOYFRIEND DID SOMETHING BAD TO ME.

THE PASTOR NOW KISSED HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO U ?

SHE SAID NO, HE HUGGED HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO U?

 SHE SAID NO, HE NOW PULLED OFF HER CLOTHES AND SAID

DID HE DO THIS TOO , SHE SAID NO...
 
HE NOW MADE LOVE TO HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO U?

SHE SAID NO, THEN HE NOW SAID WHAT IS THE THING HE DID THAT IS MAKING U TO CRY,

THEN THE GIRL SAID

HE GAVE ME AIDS, THE PASTOR, THEN FAINTED....

                                     STAY PROTECTED!!!!!!!

U EVA SEY A FLUFFY BIRD

Hillary Clinton shaved her p*u**yy the night before the debate, she goes up to the podium and lifts her skirt and says, "read my lips no more bush."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."

There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes. Golda, says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?" Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?" "Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home - I'll look it up and call you," So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth........ "Ruth, kenahurra, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!" >>

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
 
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
 
Man: "What sins?"
 
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
 
Man: "I'm Jewish."
 
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
 
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
 
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
 
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
 
"Who are you?" he asked him.
 
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
 
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
 
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
 
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
 
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

One day a young Jamaican body builder who loved to tan himself looked down on his dick and saw that it was the only area of his body that wasnt chocolate brown, so he decided that the next day he would go to the beach and get a tan on his dick. The next day he put on his trunks and lay down on his towel on the sand, put some suntan lotion on his penis and left it out to tan. Two old ladies were walking by and the one called Mary said,"But kiss mi ra** Martha, yuh nuh si mi dying trial?" So naturally martha waan know a wah. Mary seh,"When mi a twenty mi fraid fi it, when mi a thirty mi curious bout it, when mi a forty mi caan get enuff a it, when mi a fifty mi beg fi it, when mi a sixty mi pay fi it. And now mi a seventy, di f**king sinting dem a grow wild an mi cyant ben dung.

---

http://www.sendspace.com/file/ogns7f

http://www.sendspace.com/file/oju1o7

http://www.sendspace.com/file/snh8fc

http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=nvphye&s=3
-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 00:59, 2008-01-27

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 01:00, 2008-01-27

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 01:02, 2008-01-27

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 01:04, 2008-01-27

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 01:06, 2008-01-27

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=258qaz5&s=3




-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 21:35, 2008-01-29

i told u it goes on....

-- Edited by massive vybe at 07:21, 2008-01-11

TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO SENT ME E-MAILS WITH PROMISES OF GOOD LUCK IF I FORWARDED THEM. THEY DID NOT WORK!!!. NONE OF THEM...


For 2008, could you please just send either Money, Food, or Gas Vouchers?

Thank You!

A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a
vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for
the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a new BMW 740i. The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produces the
title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car
as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican
for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of
the bank then drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks it
there.

Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?'

The Jamaican replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and
sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, 'We run
things, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly.'


~*~

                          Sex In The Dark



-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNS at 12:15, 2008-02-10

--------------------

JAMAICA PHONE CALL - HILARIOUS!!!!

ja_phone_call.wma - 0.91MB

--------------------

---

Help Line Loser

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a s-e-a prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Aliens In Jamaica
There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.

Wife: A wha dat?

Husband: A mus one space ship.

Wife: Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!

A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.

Alien Male: Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed? The husbands eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.

Husband: Come een, come een. Of course you can come an res yuhself.

So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.

Male Alien: Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests. Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.

Husband: Well, dats alright with me.

Wife: Oh, I dont know, because I dont really believe in dat kind of ting.

Husband: Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know.

Wife: Well, OK then.

The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasnt 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, would you like a bit more length?

Wife: Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?

So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, would you like a bit more width?

Wife: Width! Well, OK then.

So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter. The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.

Wife: Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?

Husband: Stuups .. No! All night long di damn woman just deh a twis up, twis up mi ra** ears dem.




dont want no short dick man (8)

ME FIRST

Diversionary tactic


Words of Wisdom


DESPERATE FOR A TICKET TO THE WORLD CUP





QUEEN OF THE BLONDES


What will I be when I grow up?
This is just too priceless not to share!








-- Edited by miggskills at 11:52, 2008-02-16