Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dm8hOG6DcnU
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I lost it when I got my 5th drunk driving conviction.
Officer: May I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book is in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owned this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called for back up. The car was soon surrounded by police officers, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation
Inspector: Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Inspector: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the Log Book. The driver owned the car.
Inspector: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Inspector: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body.
Inspectoer: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bast*rd told you I was speeding, too
Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I lost it when I got my 5th drunk driving conviction.
Officer: May I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book is in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owned this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called for back up. The car was soon surrounded by police officers, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation
Inspector: Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Inspector: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the Log Book. The driver owned the car.
Inspector: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Inspector: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body.
Inspectoer: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bast*rd told you I was speeding, too
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the f**k up!"
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the f**k up!"
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't reme****er which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for *la*hd pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't reme****er which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for *la*hd pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
1)Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
2)Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
3)Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
4)What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
5)You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brainpower that I find so attractive in a woman.
6)What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
7)Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
8)Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
9)Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
10)I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
11)You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
12)Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
13)My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
14)If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
15)Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
16)If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
17)You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
18)Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework
So in the 80's the West Indian cricket team were smashing Australia constantly. Viv Richard of course on of the stars. So in Sydney Viv was haveing a piss when an Aussie pissing next to him glance & see's Viv's large penis. He ask Viv "how you get it like that?!?"
Viv tells him to go home & tie a couple of kilo weight on the end. The man thinks that makes pefect sence & thinks after the match he'll go try it.
A week passes & another match at The Sydney Cricket Ground and the man runs into Viv again. Viv asks how's it's going for him. The man replies "well it half worked... It turned Black!"
Viv tells him to go home & tie a couple of kilo weight on the end. The man thinks that makes pefect sence & thinks after the match he'll go try it.
A week passes & another match at The Sydney Cricket Ground and the man runs into Viv again. Viv asks how's it's going for him. The man replies "well it half worked... It turned Black!"
ok so 2 blondes walk into a resteraunt chanting and celebrating 28 days 28 days it only took us 28 days. everyone in the resteraunt was wondering what took them 28 days. so when the resteraunt was about to close the waiter walks up to the blondes and asks them what took yall 28 days. and y are u celbrating it. and 1 of the blondes said we finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years.
An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall.
'Excuse me,' he said. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk
to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,
'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'
I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like
yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.
'Excuse me,' he said. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk
to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,
'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'
I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like
yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.
How to get a girl's nu****er in less than 3 minutes
February 25, 2008
Started By xForcex — 5 Comments
The most important tip I can give you about picking up a woman is to MAKE EYE
CONTACT with her. Look long and adoringly into her eyes. Never look down (a
sign of submission, timidity, and weakness) and never look at a woman's breasts
when you're talking to her (a common mistake many men make). Women wil
reject you and consider you disrespectful if you do. Maintaining eye contact also
says to a woman that you are interested in her and that you want to get to know
her. This is a pre-requisite (according to women) to get to know how she is in
bed.
Also be sure and SMILE.
A smile says, "I wil not reject you. I like you." A smile co****ined with prolonged eye contact says, "I like you a lot. I want to know you. Let's talk." Women who smile back at you and who maintain eye contact with you too are those who wil be
most receptive to your advances. Note: Raised eyebrows is also a positive signal
which you should interpret as a come-on.
These next few tips I want to share with you are truly essential and fal under the
heading of WHAT TO SAY. As far as your opening line goes, wel, that would be
a whole article al by itself. But after you break the ice with an opening line, the
very next thing you should say or do is INTRODUCE YOURSELF.
For example, simply say, "Oh, my name is (your Name). I'm pleased to meet
you." Just use your first name in informal situations, and both your first and last
name in more impersonal situations. Then alow the woman you're picking up to
offer you her name. Pause for a moment. If she doesn't offer it, ask her what her
name is. Then, and this is very important, USE HER NAME in the very next
sentence that comes out of your mouth. Using her name works like magic to put
her at ease and makes her more interested in you. A person's name is the most
important and powerful word you can ever say.
he next thing you want to say or do is COMPLIMENT HER. Cal attention to
some detail about her, and flatter her in a totaly positive way. Be sure to say
something specific, that is special about HER. Be polite and creative when
dishing out compliments. The more poetic and/or dramatic you can be, the better
the results you'l get. Because men lust with their eyes, BUT women lust with
their ears!
A lot of guys ask me what they should talk about once they get a woman's name
and after they have complimented her. What you need to do is find out what she
wants, what she desires, or what turns her on, her passion or hobby. Ask her
questions about that and you wil have captivated her completely. Also, always
find ways to agree with her. NEVER DISAGREE with a woman when you first
meet her. You want to create a context of relatedness, and that's done by
agreeing with her.
The last tip I leave you with is NEVER BE SHY ABOUT ASKING HER FOR HER
PHONE NU****ER. It doesn't matter that you only just met her. Even if you have
only spoken with her for as little as one minute! Be direct. You can say something
like, "I have to be going now. But I'd love to see you again. Can I cal you?"
Without the al important phone nu****er, you wil never get anywhere with a
woman. Because to score you wil need a date. And to get a date you wil need
the nu****er. So ALWAYS ask for the telephone nu****er!
thought u might like this
A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child?
The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody"
The judge turns to the dread and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?"
The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said, "Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or the machine?
Who is the fastest man and woman in the word????
Ans.. Adan and Eve.. Because they are the first in the human race..
Hahahaha....
Ans.. Adan and Eve.. Because they are the first in the human race..
Hahahaha....
One day, the wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom having sex with a very attractive woman. Understandably, the wife was very upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce straight away!"
"But hang on a minute luv" the husband replied "At least let me explain"
"Fine, go ahead" she sobbed "But they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!"
And so he began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the dinner I made for you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in minutes. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she took a shower. I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away and gave her those designer jeans you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found that sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
The husband then took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her to the front door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce straight away!"
"But hang on a minute luv" the husband replied "At least let me explain"
"Fine, go ahead" she sobbed "But they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!"
And so he began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the dinner I made for you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in minutes. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she took a shower. I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away and gave her those designer jeans you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found that sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
The husband then took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her to the front door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge. The cellmate says, "I wanna have some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?"
The little guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."
The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies
cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but
he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the
cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he
reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"
http://www.bofunk.com/video/6414/just_a_little_misunderstanding.html
Yeah' I know i'm ugly....i said to a bartender,'make me a zombie. He said 'god beat me to it
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he finally thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't particularly feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Off you go," said the officer.
A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"
<I know even my gay folks gotta find this funny!
> 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you
> > are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
> > have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
> > the Oprah diet.
> >
> > 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming Homo. A cat is like a
> > dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,
> > has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and purrs to be fed.
> > And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said
> > get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...
> > 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,
> > you're so gay.
> >
> > 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, candy baby pacifiers, or
> > any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only
> > sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
> > feet, or TITS. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a
> > fag.
> >
> > 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in
> > a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
> > is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
> >
> > 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight
> > man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a
> > Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
> >
> > 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors, or
> > four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might
> > as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
> > space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
> > chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can
> > name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are
> > faggadocious.
> >
> > 7. If you drive with both hands on the steering wheel, forget
> > it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on
> > the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest
> > of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a
> > hamburger, or hold his beer.
> >
> > 8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your email
> > list, because you are afraid of hurting their feelings, then you are
> > definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.
> 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you
> > are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
> > have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
> > the Oprah diet.
> >
> > 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming Homo. A cat is like a
> > dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,
> > has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and purrs to be fed.
> > And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said
> > get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...
> > 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,
> > you're so gay.
> >
> > 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, candy baby pacifiers, or
> > any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only
> > sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
> > feet, or TITS. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a
> > fag.
> >
> > 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in
> > a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
> > is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
> >
> > 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight
> > man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a
> > Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
> >
> > 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors, or
> > four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might
> > as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
> > space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
> > chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can
> > name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are
> > faggadocious.
> >
> > 7. If you drive with both hands on the steering wheel, forget
> > it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on
> > the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest
> > of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a
> > hamburger, or hold his beer.
> >
> > 8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your email
> > list, because you are afraid of hurting their feelings, then you are
> > definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
TEA CHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it ! is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: George!
______________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
For a good laugh!
A woman thought her man was cheating on her. Since she didn't have a
lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, she decided to go
with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese woman named Mrs. Lee.
The following day she received the following report:
Most honorable madam:
You leave house. I watch house. She come to house. I watch. He and
she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I
look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip
he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off
tree. I not see.
No fee,
Mrs. Chen Lee
A woman thought her man was cheating on her. Since she didn't have a
lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, she decided to go
with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese woman named Mrs. Lee.
The following day she received the following report:
Most honorable madam:
You leave house. I watch house. She come to house. I watch. He and
she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I
look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip
he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off
tree. I not see.
No fee,
Mrs. Chen Lee
Pic1
http://www.speedyshare.com/589701675.html
Pic2
http://www.speedyshare.com/732460832.html
Just wrong!!!
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, Grandpa can I have some beer too?
Can you stick your penis in your asshole? grandpa asked back.
No
Well, than your not big enough
Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
Can you stick your penis in your asshole? grandpa asked again.
No
Well, than your not big enough
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?
Little Johnny asks, Can you stick your penis in your asshole?
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, Well of course I can, Im big enough.
Little Johnny then says, Well, then go f**k yourself, these are my cookies
OVER A MIN N ADD OF SHAKING ASS WITHOUT MUSIC>>> SHI BAD THOU
February 23, 2008
Started By ANDREDESIGNZ — 6 Comments
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=28799328
-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNS at 09:33, 2008-02-22
-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNS at 09:33, 2008-02-22
JA KNOW TO ME DIS FUNNY BUT DEM PPL YA MUST INNA PAINNN CHECK IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!
February 22, 2008
Started By Shockwave Ent — 22 Comments
DEM PPL YAAA DEM NUH REALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- Edited by Dj Rohan at 10:47, 2008-02-22
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