Forum: Funny Stuff
*Operator:* Yes, you can speak to me.
*Caller* : No, I want to speak to *Annie Wan*!
*Operator*: Yes I understand you want to speak to *anyone.*You can speak to
me. Who is this?
*Caller* : I'm *Sam Wan*. And I need to talk to *Annie Wan! *It's urgent.
*Operator*: I know you are *someone*and you want to talk to* anyone*! But
what's this urgent matter about?
*Caller*: Well... just tell my sister *Annie Wan*that our brother *Noe
Wan*was involved in an accident.
*Noe Wan* got injured and now *Noe Wan* is beingsent to the hospital. Right
now, *Avery Wan *is on his way to the hospital.
*Operator* : Look, if *no one*was injured and *no one*was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!
*Caller *: You are so rude! Who are you?
*Operator:* I'm *Saw Ree*.
*Caller: *Yes! You should be *sorry*. Now give me your name!!
*Operator:* That's what I said. I'm *Saw Ree* ..
*Caller: *Oh ......God!!! !
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
>(because they are plugged into a genius)
>>
>2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
>(they don't have enough time)
>
>3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't
>stop
>to ask directions)
>
>4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
>(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and block their vapour
>lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
>
>5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
>(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
>>
>6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
>(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
>7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
>know.....it
>never happened)
>
>And the personal favorite:
>
>8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
>(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, "Where's the rake?"
She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear. So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.
She replies by; pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her a**, then rubs her crotch. He runs up stairs and says, "What?"
She says, "I left tit behind the bush."
-- Edited by mz más quería veterano on Friday 4th of June 2010 07:18:42 PM
If i was a man I would back away slowly!
Here you will find short clean blonde jokes, as well the worlds best blonde jokes. Have a blast!
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
'Hello?'
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy, that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?' He asked.
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now
she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
> 'Swimming pool? ............
Is this 486-5731?'
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
His wife asks what are you doing? He says "looking for the
expiration date on the motherf**ker."
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her boobs. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Redneck
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
a redneck is a person who hunts his dinner every night by running it over with is 4-wheeler and he hunts his food with his rifles in his tity whities but he can not go hunting without his beer and his slimjims.
Here are some examples:
REDNECK WEDDING PT. 1
REDNECK LIMO
.jpg)
REDNECK BARBIE
REDNECK TAXI
REDNECK DOG CARRIER
REDNECK WEDDING PT.2
REDNECK BRA
REDNECK YOGA
-- Edited by So_InTriCat3 at 15:41, 2008-03-06
GIRL CLIMBING A POLE{this is a 10 ten}
When the girl went home she told her mom about the guys. Her mother told her, "Honey, they just want to look at your underwear."
"Ill get them back for this," the girl thought. That night she came up with a plan.
The next day the same guys asked her to climb the pole again.
She went home with a big grin on her face and told her mom that they told her to climb the pole again. "What did I tell you! They just want to look at your underwear!"
"I fooled them Mom! I didn't wear any!"
-- Edited by Krazy at 15:07, 2008-03-06
-- Edited by miggskills at 13:42, 2008-02-04
Three Sardar ji's went for a tour to Singapore .
They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel.
After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before 10.00pm or other wise lift will not be available and they have to take the steps.
They agreed and went out.
After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30 .
Since lift is not available they decided to take the stairways, under the condition that each sardar ji has to tell a story that has to last for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble. After first sardar ji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardar ji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardar ji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.
Then first sardar ji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key on the manager's table".
They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardar ji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end".
They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardar ji said, " The keys are in my pocket only".
With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.
After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardar ji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only".
Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardar ji about the sad story, he replied:
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
...............
"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to This".
As they been in the air, a strange sound came from the engine and the plane started to swing from side to side.
So the pilot whispered to is friend, "There is a serious problem with the airplane. We are going to crash. There are only two parachutes in the plane ... so grab one and let's save ourselves."
"But what about the girls?" asked the friend.
"f**k the girls," answer the pilot with a scorn tone.
"... You think we still have the time for that?"
WIN 2 TICKETS ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARES TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES INBEIJING,CHINA.
To participate is very easy, just view the attached photo, correctly
answer the following questions and send your answers to:
International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland.
1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?
Good luck!
I GUESS UR NOT GOING EITHER!
Little Johnny piped up and said, "That's easy, it is an apple.""Very good," the teacher said.
Little Johnny was not done yet. "Teacher, now I have a question for you. I have something in my pocket that's round and hard, and has a head on one end. What is it?"
"Go to the office now!" the teacher screamed, because she knew what a dirty mind Johnny had.
Little Johnny said, "It's only a quarter, but I really like your thinking
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 -- These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework,
and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on the floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a store just across the street, where men can choose a New Wife.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
>>>>>Andy and Squashy yu a go love this one
>> >>>>> A very humorous and revealing story is told about a group of
>>white
>> >>>>>people who were fed up with African Americans, so they joined
>>together
>> >>>>>and wished themselves away. They passed through a deep dark tunnel
>>and
>> >>>>>emerged in sort of a twilight zone where there is an America
>>without
>> >>>>>black people. At first these white people breathed a sigh of
>>relief. At
>> >>>>>last, they said, "No more crime, drugs, violence and welfare. All
>>of
>> >>>>>the blacks have gone!" Then suddenly, reality set in. The "NEW
>>AMERICA"
>> >>>>>is not America at all? only a barren land.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>1. There are very few crops that have flourished because the
>>nation was
>> >>>>>built on a slave-supported system.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>2. There are no cities with tall skyscrapers because Alexander
>>Mils, a
>> >>>>>black man, invented the elevator, and without it, one finds great
>> >>>>>difficulty reaching higher floors.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>3. There are few if any cars because Richard Spikes, a black man,
>> >>>>>invented the automatic gearshift, Joseph Gaum***bol, also black,
>>invented
>> >>>>>the Super Charge System for Internal C****ustion Engines, and
>>Garrett A.
>> >>>>>Morgan, a black man, invented the traffic signals.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>4. Furthermore, one could not use the rapid transit system because
>>its
>> >>>>>precursor was the electric trolley, which was invented by another
>>black
>> >>>>>man, Albert R. Robinson.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>5. Even if there were streets on which cars and a rapid transit
>>system
>> >>>>>could operate, they were cl**ttered with paper because an African
>> >>>>>American, Charles Brooks, invented the street sweeper.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>6. There were few if any newspapers, magazines and books because
>>John
>> >>>>>Love invented the pencil sharpener, William Purveys invented the
>> >>>>>fountain pen, and Lee Barrage invented the Type Writing Machine
>>and W.
>> >>>>>A. Love invented the Advanced Printing Press. They were all, you
>> >>>>>guessed it, Black.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>7. Even if Americans could write their letters, articles and
>>books,
>> >>>>>they would not have been transported by mail because William Barry
>> >>>>>invented the Postmarking and Canceling Machine, William Purveys
>> >>>>>invented the Hand Stamp and Philip Downing invented the Letter
>>Drop.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>8. The lawns were brown and wilted because Joseph Smith invented
>>the
>> >>>>>Lawn Sprinkler and John Burr the Lawn Mower.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>9. When they entered their homes, they found them to be poorly
>> >>>>>ventilated and poorly heated. You see, Frederick Jones invented
>>the Air
>> >>>>>Conditioner and Alice Parker the Heating Furnace. Their homes were
>>also
>> >>>>>dim. But of course, Lewis Latimer invented the Electric Lamp,
>>Michael
>> >>>>>Harvey invented the lantern and Granville T. Woods invented the
>> >>>>>Automatic Cut off Switch. Their homes were also filthy because
>>Thomas
>> >>>>>W. Steward invented the Mop and Lloyd P. Ray the Dust Pan.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>10. Their children met them at the door-barefooted, shabby, motley
>>and
>> >>>>>unkempt. But what could one expect? Jan E. Matzelinger invented
>>the
>> >>>>>Shoe Lasting Machine, Walter Sammons invented the C****, Sarah
>>Boone
>> >>>>>invented the Ironing Board and George T. Samon invented the
>>Clothes
>> >>>>>Dryer.
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>11. Finally, they were resigned to at least have dinner amidst all
>>of
>> >>>>>this turmoil. But here again, the food had spoiled because another
>> >>>>>Black Man, John Standard invented the refrigerator.
>> >>>>>Now, isn't that something? What this country would be like without
>>the
>> >>>>>contributions of Black Americans?
>> >>>>>
>> >>>>>Black history includes more than just slavery, Frederick Douglas,
>> >>>>>Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Marcus Garvey and W.E.B.
>> >>>>>Dubois.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said Im a doctor, I save lives, so I must live, and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, Im a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, My son, Ive lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack.
Ya might accidently get killed... LOL!
comes his wife with a pan --BOOF!-- "a who nyame Shiela?" asked the wife, "mi si deh
paypa ya eena yuh pocket wid di nyame Shiela pon it, who is she?". The man rubbing his
headback said "me and Richie did dung ah di racetrack tiddeh an dat is di nyame of di
horse weh we bet pan, a wah duh yuh?!!". So the wife apologized, kissed his
headback, and went back to her chores. 15 minutes later the wife storms out of the kitchen
again --BOOF!! BAM!!-- "A WHA DUH YUH?!!" shouted the husband, and the wife shouts
back "YUH HORSE DEH PON DI PHONE!!".
-- Edited by mz más quería veterano on Sunday 30th of May 2010 11:04:22 PM
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