Forum: Funny Stuff
Shakira parody - THIS MEK MI LOL TIL MI WEAK FUNNY HAS HELL
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget.
12. Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive.
11. The so-called help file is really just a collection of lame Chicken Soup for the Soul anecdotes.
10. Refuses to install new programs until youve achieved clear status.
9. You hit delete and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque.
8. In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, It looks like youre trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?
7. Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France.
6. Dreaded Blue Screen of Death replaced by less fearsome Hamster Dance Screen of Death.
5. Too easy to win new Whack-a-Reno game.
4. Default search options include Body Cavity Search.
3. Replaces hilarious, intellectual, pithy Top5 list items with crude junior high school humor.
2. Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander.
1. Changes .gov domain to .bite-me domain every time.
CLICK ON THE LINK AND TAKE A LOOK AT THESE TWO PICTURES AND SEE IF YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE IN EITHER ONE OF THEM.
... YOU MUST LOOK CLOSELY... turn your speakers on
KEEP LOOKING FOR ABOUT 20-30 SECONDS.
ENJOY!
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
Q. Whats red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.
Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. Why was Santas little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.
Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.
Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said I could not work out what size her nose was!
Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A. It was wound up already.
Q. What was wrong with the boys brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A. Forty feet of track - all straight!
Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye
Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people
Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out
Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
Handkerchief:
Cold storage
Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn
Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today
Mosquito:
An insect that makes you like flies better
Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed
Secret:
Something you tell to one person at a time
Well, in the swamp they meet and after a little thought he asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" - "No"
The man goes behind a small tree and checks it out - wow! 10 cm shorter!
Well, surely enough he goes again and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" - "No!"
He goes behind the tree again and looks: only 30 cm long! 20 cm would be just right...
Again, he asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" - "How many times do I have to say - NO!, NO! and once more NO!!!"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?
And
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, Are you sure? before going off.
You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you pass it on (use the Email This To A Friend or Social Bookmark It! above or post a link on your favorite message board or blog). Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. Dont believe this is serious business? Read some of these true stories:
- After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life.
- John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors.
- In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)
- Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had ever paid her at work.
- General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.
- Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!
- Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.
- In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
- Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices. Your immediate attention is urged!
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
It doesnt matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian (I forget his name, if anyone knows please tell us) who said he misses Bill Clinton. This is what he said:
Yep, thats right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women Even now? Look at him his wife works, and he doesnt! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with Clinton Soup, in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, I dont know, I never had one. The Clinton revised judicial oath: I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know. Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street. Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.
Saint Peter said, Well , thats fine, but that in itself just isnt enough to get you into Heaven. The lawyer quickly retaliated, Wait Wait! Theres more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter. Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
Lets give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.' 'Listen, you
don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a
diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Joe
deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank
you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.' That evening, while thinking how amazing
this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be
fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer
prints the following: 1. your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with
anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They arent
yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Dress Code:
* You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
* If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
* If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
* If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you,
The Management
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders a drink and sits down. The monkey springs off his shoulder runs down the bar to the olive bowl, swallows one whole, then springs to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. The bartender cries out to the man, " Oh My God, did you see what your monkey just did?"
"What, What?" says the man.
The bartender says, " Your monkey just swallowed the cue ball whole"
"Well, I'm not suprised, he eats everything in sight... I'll pay for it and we'll leave"
Two week later the man and his monkey return, the man orders his drink and the monkey jumps off, runs to the cherry bowl, grabs one shoves it up his butt then pulls it out and swallows it whole. Once again the bartender cries out, "Oh my God, Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"What, What did he do this time?"
The bartender replies, "He just shoved a cherry up his butt, then swallowed it whole... that was disgusting!!"
The man say's "Well, I'm not suprised, he still eats everything in sight, but every since that cue ball he checks everything first"
- I have to poop.
- Smile for the camera!
- Get off me, i'll do it myselft!
- This is your first time...right?
- You're almost as good as my ex!
- When is this supposed to feel good?
- I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs?!
- I was so horny tonight i would have taken a sheep home.
- Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
- Hey! My friends were right! You ARE good!
- On second thought, let's turn the lights off.
- I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
- But everybody looks funny naked!
- Do i have to pay for this?
- N0! You're too fat to be on top, You'd kill me!
- Actually, your sister 'likes' it like this.
- What's your name again?
- Hold on, let me change the channel.
- It's nice being in bed with someone i don't have to inflate.
- Uhhh...I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
A black girl and a white girl were friends. The black girl slept
over the white girl's house. It was 3 a.m., and they were still up.
The white girl's mother came downstairs and said, 'Honey, don't you
think it's time for you to go to bed?' The white girl responded,
'Shut up Mother, I don't want to go to sleep!'
Her mother said, 'Okay, honey. You can go to bed later.'The black
girl was very intrigued by what happened and decided to use that
when she got home.
The next night the black girl's mother said to the black girl,
'Girl, go to bed! It's late!' The black! girl s houted, 'Shut up
Momma, I don't want to go to sleep!' The black girl's mother took
one look at her & raised her eyebrow...The black girl started to
blink, looked around, and asked, 'Where am I?
'A lady came over to the bed and answered, 'You're in the Intensive
Care Unit, Sweetie.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She come s to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO.......," answered the blond. "
They're watch dogs!"
Blonde and the mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing gra** when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
My stupid computer keeps saying,'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!
-- Edited by selectorbyron at 12:27, 2008-03-12
A beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"
Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
the Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the 4th grade."
Madam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Boy, after a moment "Legs."
Madam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it, u have to use urhand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
Then he decided to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Reagan takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the ground."
Zail Singh digs.
Reagan says, "More, more, more..."
Zail Singh has now reached a 100 feet.
Reagan says, "So now, did you find anything?"
Zail Singh, "I got a wire!"
Reagan says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have telephones!"
Zail Singh was very frustrated and he invited Reagan to his village.
In India GyaniJi says, "Now I want to show you the advancement in his village"
He takes Reagan to a forest and ask him to dig.
After some time GyaniJi says, "More. .. more... more!"
Reagan has now reached almost 400 feet.
Zail Singh says, "Find anything?"
Reagan tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"
GyaniJi says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone WIRELESS!"
> a strip club for his birthday.
>
> They arrive at the club and the doorman says,
> "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
>
> His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
> this club before.
>
> "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
>
> When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if
> he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
>
> His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
> and says, "How did she know that you drink
> Budweiser?"
>
> "She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he
> says. "We share lanes with them."
>
> A stripper then comes over to their table,
> throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey!
> Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
>
> Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
> storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her
> getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
> jumps in beside her.
>
> He tries desperately to explain how the stripper
> must have mistaken him for someone else, but his
> wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him
> at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in
> the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks
> like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a new BMW 740i. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Jamaican replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, "We run things, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly."
gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!".
The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!"
The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!" "Well, I'll cut off yer prick!" "Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin.
"Well, how do ya pee?"
The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!
At the same time there was a fish in the water that was gonna jump up and eat the fly when it came over.
At the same time there's a bear thinking that when the fish goes for the fly he's gonna grab the fish and eat it.
At the same time there is a hunter thats gonna drop his sandwich and shoot the bear when it goes for the fish.
But at the same time there's a mouse thats gonna take the hunters sandwich when the hunter goes to shoot the bear.
And there's a cat who at the same time is thinking he's gonna run over and eat the mouse when it goes for the sandwich.
So this all happens at the same time and the cat ends up falling into the lake.
So what is the moral of this story?
"When the fly goes down six inches the p*u**y always gets wet"
Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.
At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.
The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an liquor store."
"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".
The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised a primary school" he answered.
"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".
The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water", came the reply.
-- Edited by CALOSS at 04:28, 2007-06-06
Um spyda babes i change my mind 4 get the old shoes i want this 1
-- Edited by steppz at 19:54, 2008-03-10
left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran
into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to
get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas-guzzler, and use it to push
my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at
about 40 mph, I realized in the seconds before the impact....that I should have been a bit clearer with my
directions.
Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.
One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".
So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the least amount of liqour.
After a week they met in a bar.
"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".
"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.
The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."
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