Forum: Funny Stuff
The bride tells her husband, " Honey,
you know I'm a virgin and I don't
know anything about sex. Can you
explain it to me first?"
With a SMILE on his face caringly touching her in places, he says "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner' . So what we do is PPP - P ut the Prisoner in P rison . And the rule is that in prison the prisoner does not just lie down there, he really has to work."
And then they made heated passionate love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, panting but smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence , OKAY!!!
Q. What�s the difference between Bill and Monica. Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument? Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history? Q. What's the new game there playing in the White House? Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book? Q. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? Q. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? Q. What is the name of Helen Keller's dog? Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth? Q. What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet? Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus? Q. What's the difference between Hillary and Bill? Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing? Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls? Q. What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? Q. What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? Q. How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? Q. Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved? Q. What does Hillary do after she shaves her P**y every morning? Q. Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton? Q. Why doesn't Bill like old houses? Q. When will there be a woman in the White House? Q. What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard? Q. What was JFK Jr. drinking at the time of the crash? Q. How did JFK Jr. learn how to fly? Q. What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together? Q. Hear about Kennedy Airlines? Q. What has four legs and no ears? Q. Why does Hillary always get on top? Q. Did you hear about the latest JFK Jr. movie? Q. Why didn't JFK Jr. and his wife have a shower before getting on the plane? Q. What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus? Q. What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby? Q. Did you see Dolly Parton�s new shoes? Q. What's brown and half eaten? Q. What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung? Q. What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years? Q. Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping? Q. What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life? Q. What makes Michael Jackson so unique? Q. How did Michael get in trouble? Q. Why does Michael Jackson scream? Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Q. Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new band? Q. What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole? Q. What did the woman tell Michael Jackson at the beach? Q. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds? Q. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common? |
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes." |
Johnny(crying) i heard daddy tell mommy he's gonna eat that p*u**yy when
the kids gone to school!
1. Crying is blackmail
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever!
4. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of the cat.
6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissable in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us!
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = sports!
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp, if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!
Jeff Dunham and Walter - THIS IS REALLY FUNNY GOOD TO WATCH
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
His wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*t*h."
--Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
lol.....
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
This is a joke that is really funny and it works!
>An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
>She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world for her little puppy.
>She went up to the cash register to buy the food.
>The sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old ladies to buy
>animal food unless they show the actual animal because a lot of old ladies
>like to eat the animal food themselves.
>So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to the store to buy
>her dog food.
>The next day she came back to buy the best cat food around But the
>Saleslady told her the same thing, so the old lady went back home and
>brought her cat to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
>The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store again carrying a big
>container. She went up to the sales lady and said, 'Put your hand inside
>here'. The Saleslady shook her head. 'NO', she said, 'there is probably
>something in there that will bite me!' 'I promise you that there is nothing
>in here that will bite you'. the old lady said. So the Saleslady stuck her
>hand inside the container and screamed.
>To find out what was inside the container you must COMMENT!!!! NOW
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday"
And would probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning" Let alone any "Happy Birthday"
I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.
I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;
We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martini's and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we??
I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment.
After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
All were singing "Happy Birthday!" And there on the couch I sat... Naked
The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"
use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour
pains to the baby's biological father wherever he may be. Both were happy
to try it. The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt
nothing.So the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still
felt fine and his *la*hd pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to
kick it up to 50 percent. Still there was no reaction.
The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the
doctor were ecstatic. When they got home, the gardener was lying almost
dead at the gate.
MI NEVA GO A ZOO AGAIN..LOL
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she is still screaming."
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
TEA CHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it ! is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: George!
______________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Signal only when you feel like it. http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=5000597
kinda old but mi dead wen eva mi see it
When entering a highway with an acceleration lane, do one of the following:
1. Drive slowly to the end of the acceleration lane, come to a complete stop, and wait.
2. Don't use the acceleration lane. As soon as the entrance ramp meets the highway, drive 15 MPH and turn directly into fast moving traffic. A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his
wife, "Ya know sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station....
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.
"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de Night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted,
"Bell One" and The wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE
FIRE!"
Don't Stop. Pull out in front of oncoming traffic.
Accelerate quickly without looking. Merge into fast moving traffic very slowly.
Enter.
Drive 35 mph.
Road will curve. You better use your directionals.
School area. When vehicles in front of you yield, pass them.
Wait until a vehicle is coming and make a turn when the light is red.
Drive fast.
Drive really really slow.
Come to a complete stop. Try to figure out if you really want to go right.
Slow moving vehicle. Pull into the adjacent lane as the slow vehicle and drive at the same speed.
Park your car no less then 3 feet from the curb. While getting out, swing the door open as wide as you can.
As long as everyone else has to stop, why should you.
A man goes to his doctor and says, I dont think my wifes hearing isnt as good as it used to be. What should I do?
The doctor replies, Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesnt respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, Whats for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, Honey, whats for dinner? She replies, For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!
Wife: "A wha dat?"
Husband: "A mus' one space ship."
Wife: "Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!"
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: "Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?" The husband's eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: "Come een, come een. Of course you can come an' res' yuhself." So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: "Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests." Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: "Well, dats alright with me."
Wife: "Oh, I don't know, because I don't really believe in dat kind of t'ing."
Husband: "Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know."
Wife: "Well, OK then."
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, "would you like a bit more length?"
Wife: "Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?"
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, "would you like a bit more width?"
Wife: "Width! Well, OK then."
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter.
The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: "Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?"
Husband: "Stuups ..... No! All night long di damn woman just deh deh a twis up, twis up mi ra** ears dem".
Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.
Women are the "weaker sex."? Yeah right. Bite me
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon
Simple Simon met a Pieman,
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses
And all the kings men,
Said "F*ck him,
He's only an egg."
Mary Had a Another Lamb
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass,
And turned it's wool to nylon.
Georgy Porgy
Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
To have little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the Money.
LOL LOL LOL FUNNY AS HELL LOL LOL LOL LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE, I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE
HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW..
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME.... I FALL O FF TREE. I NO SEE.
THAT SECOND BABY WAS THE BEST!
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
Caller: Hello, can I speak to *Annie Wan* ?
*Operator:* Yes, you can speak to me.
*Caller* : No, I want to speak to *Annie Wan*!
*Operator*: Yes I understand you want to speak to *anyone.*You can speak to
me. Who is this?
*Caller* : I'm *Sam Wan*. And I need to talk to *Annie Wan! *It's urgent.
*Operator*: I know you are *someone*and you want to talk to* anyone*! But
what's this urgent matter about?
*Caller*: Well... just tell my sister *Annie Wan*that our brother *Noe
Wan*was involved in an accident.
*Noe Wan* got injured and now *Noe Wan* is beingsent to the hospital. Right
now, *Avery Wan *is on his way to the hospital.
*Operator* : Look, if *no one*was injured and *no one*was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!
*Caller *: You are so rude! Who are you?
*Operator:* I'm *Saw Ree*.
*Caller: *Yes! You should be *sorry*. Now give me your name!!
*Operator:* That's what I said. I'm *Saw Ree* ..
*Caller: *Oh ......God!!! !
Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral? he asks.
A man turns towards him and says, We''re all clients.
And you ALL came to pay your respects?
No, we came to make sure he was really dead.
She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"
state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband. When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, Heh, what did he say? The old man speaks up as he says, HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE. A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, Ma'am I see you're from Florida. The old lady comments, Heh, what did he say? The old man speaks up as he says, HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.' The old lady nods her head, Yup. The trooper mutters, Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida. The old lady replies, Heh, what did he say? The old man yells, HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU! | ||
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''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen.
It wasn't any bigger than a triple AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
" I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am . I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," the man replied
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?" The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips." The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?" Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them." | ||
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