A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist.  The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts.  "Do you know what I'm doing now", he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor.  He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MANShow up naked ..... and bring beer.

Once a man went to a Veterinary (Animal) Doctor and said: Doctor I came on vacation so that I can get treated. Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic Man: No, I am coming to you. Doctor: But, I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an Animal specialist. Man: I know, but I want you to treat me. Doctor: I cannot, because you speak like me and think like me which means you are a human, not an Animal. Man: I know I am same and I am a human but the problem is... I get up in the morning like a horse I go to work like a deer I work all day like a donkey I wag my tail in front of my manager like a dog I play with my children like a monkey I am like a rabbit in front of my wife

here we find a couple in a dilemma, the gal cant decide if the milk is bad, so she enlkists the help of her bf, and VOILA! we all find out that the milk is ....watch the video...LOL

GOOD FORTUNES-->>>lottery winner got his numbers from this call!!!!
1 631 960 7178

You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten forgotten my standard pick-up line.

Are you accepting applications for your fan club?

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.....

I'm bigger and better than the Titanic..... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic

Hi, I'm foreign. I've got Russian hands and Roman fingers.

If I pet you, would you follow me home?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?(if yes: Want another one?)

(give the person a bottle of tequila) Drink this, then call me when you're ready.

I bet you $20 you're gonna turn me down

All this could be yours for one low, low price!

So, do you like fat guys with no money?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.

Do you have flat mates? Will they mind me staying?

Perhaps you dont know me? My name is Mr Right.

Would you like to dance with the greatest dancer in the world? So would I, lets go to the dance floor together to try and find him

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!"

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer. --
Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little
boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his
mouth and asked,

"Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom
before he goes to work."

That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"

** Shibu **

From a catalogue

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)

George Burns

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives. (Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday)

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I'll tell you: a paternity suit. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

There are three ages of man - youth, age, and 'you're looking wonderful.' (Francis Spellman)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

mi juss feel idle inna the nite, anybody want a sclash the post u diss (lyrics) inna the comment area and post it and mi reply

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, f**k, Etc."

One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun ounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS (or WEST VIRGINIA).

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

2) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

3) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

4) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

5) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

6) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

7) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

8) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

1. Are you Andy or Barney? 2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer. 4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 5. I pay your salary! 6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

---

Three men were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 gorgeous women. The men started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik walked in.

I am the master of all these beautiful women. No one else can touch them except for me. You three men must pay dearly for what you have done today. The three of you will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. Im a police officer, says the first man. Then we will shoot your penis off!, said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. Im a fireman, said the second man. Then we shall burn your penis off!, said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, And you, what do you do for a living? The third man answered, with an ear to ear grin, Im a lollipop salesman!

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't realize it.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes conversations easier.
13. It promotes honesty.
14. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
15. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
16. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
17. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarra**ing

Fisherman
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

Salesman
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

Economist
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

Mathematician
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT Consultant
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

Businessman
Wife wanted for company.

Politician
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)

Car Dealer
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

Farmer
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for planting flower in my life.

Lawyer
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself.

Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

Pilot
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

Banker
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.


Accountant
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

Drunkard
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to home. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

Minicab Driver
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.


Builder
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

Doctor
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.



Army Commando
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RaceCar Driver
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

Astronaut
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "f**k the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"

blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. I am the strongest, most powerful man here, he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. Why dont you put your money where your mouth is? he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back.

Youre on old man, the braggart replied. Its a bet! Lets see what you got.

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said All right. Get in.

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
at a fancy restaurant, having dinner with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

A young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning, the mother prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs, and called for the newlyweds to come down to eat. After a long wait, the family decided to eat without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat."

The groom's younger brother said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunchtime, the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat and, after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat." Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinnertime, once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set exquisitely and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait, the mother once again began wondering why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he took my crazy glue instead."

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???"

"Yes,plums" says the Bajan.

The warden replies, "but them outa season!"

"So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..." 

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1146908776/Failed_Superman

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bull. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs.... Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 time s last year.'



We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'



We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'



I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
 


Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1205500335/Reporter_Gets_Taken_Out_By_A_Sled

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1205755993/Another_Pole_Accident

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1205574231/Wicked_Basketball_Shot

---

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1205928325/Someone_Pushes_Fire_Button