Voodoo d*ck  

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except " said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big f**king deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my p*u**yy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my p*u**yy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her p*u**yy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

... Yuh wing soon clip

... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow

... p*u**y an dawg nuh have de same luck

... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad

... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten

... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near

... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina

... Yuh head faver johncrow airport

... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest

... It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet

... But unu see mi dying trial!!

... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"

... If yuh nuh ear yuh mus feel

... Yuh free paper soon bun

... Yuh more harm than hurt

... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near

... It holey holey but it clean

... But cuh pon yuh too

... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird

... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat

... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=2pts1mr&s=3

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

A man shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, Sir, do you have a dog?

Yes. replied the man.

Well, where is it? asked the cashier.

I left him home. he answered.

Sorry, the cashier said, You cant buy the dog food if I cant see the dog. Thats the rules.

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. Do you have a cat? asked the cashier. Yes, he said, but I left him home.

Sorry, she said, If I cant see the cat, I cant sell you the food. Thats the rules.

The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, Here. Put your hand in here.

The cashier put her hand in and said, Its soft and warm. What is it?

The man replied, Id like three rolls of toilet paper please!

A pretty young blond goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic
pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "$ex Frogs! Guaranteed to satisfy any woman. Only
$50 each! Satisfaction or money refunded. Comes with complete instructions."
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man
packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is
specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the
frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing
happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the
instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you
have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store.
The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing
her doorbell. the lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.. the d@mn thing just
sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares
directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to
show you how to do this one more time."

This Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day, she passed an adult shop and saw some crotchless panties, so she decided to buy one and try to use it to excite and seduce him.

That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual.

She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu wah some a dis?".

Her husband looks up at her wide-eyed and says. "No sah, yu mad, yuh nuh see wha it do to yu panty!"

An old man lived alone in St. Mary, Jamaica. He wanted to plough his field to plant potatoes, but it was very hard work, and he was unable to do it alone. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "Papa, beg yu nuh dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 a.m. the next morning police and soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant yu potatoes, Papa. Is the best I could do at this time."

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"


"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!" the man replies.


The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"


Pointing to his keychain, the man replies, "It wasss on the end of thisshh
key."


About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that
you are exposing yourself?"


Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing
a beat, blurts out .......... "Holyyy ssshit!----- My girlfriend's gone,
too!"

A lady called her gynaecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem and asked the gynaecologist to please examine her. So the doctor started to examine her. He held up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical procedure."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman, "but while I am here, do you think you could replace the batteries?"

Three men, an American, a British and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The British wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the british, "but one of them in there's an american, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He
asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her
knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals,
looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying
the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of
peeved voice, "Well, what are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with
no money - just looking."

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family.

Of all of you only one obeyed." "Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wondering was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times!"

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1121693671

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1207222045/Traffic_Fun

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1121693881

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1121451636

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1206959812/Watch_Out_For_The_Puddle

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the p*u**yy!

This guy wikked. 

How To Exit a Car without Exposing Yourself. lol funny stuff......

http://www.clipser.com/watch_video/39188&feature=active_sharing


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Jamaicandude at clipser.com

This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday. He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home. She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard. As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!. Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: Who the hell is that? I am the devil, she replied. The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: Damned pleased to meet you. Im Harold Jones. I married your sister.

One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard. Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.  So there he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to de pool. Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and all him fren dem look up. Him call for silence and says OK, the first person fi swim cross mi pool will get all mi money. Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him joint and says OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi money and mi house. Still nobody nuh move. OK den, the first person fi swims across mi pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes. Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.

OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own. Splash! Someones in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging. Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and runs over to him. Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought that mi woulda ever see dat done.

Yuh want di money now or latah?
Ah dont want di money.
Yuh want di house now or latah?
Ah dont want di house.
Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?
Ah dont wand the cars or di planes.
Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?
Ah dont want none ah dat.
Yuh want di girls now or latah? Ah dont want di girls.
Di rich man look pon him and she Woh what de hell yuh want?!?!
Ah want di rashole boom***boclat who push me inna di pool.

* I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

* Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

* I'm bored. Let's shave my little kitty, you big lion king!

* Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

* God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

* I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

* You're so sexy when you're hungover.

* I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

* Let's subscribe to Hustler.

* Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

* Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

* I'll be out painting the house.

* I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

* Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!

* I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

* No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

* Your mother did a great job raising you.

* Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

* I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

* Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

* Not the mall again! Come on let's go to that new strip joint!

* Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

* You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

* That was a great fart! Do another one!

* I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you...

One morning Big Bwoy did late fi school so im ride im father donkey, Gee Gee, go a school. Him did in such a hurry dat him nevah tie di donkey propaly. Well, guess wha happen? In di midst a spelling class, Gee Gee get loose. Big Bwoy frighten sotill wen him look out a di window an see di donkey a gallop wey.

Meanwhile, di teacher ask de class, Children, how do you spell egg? Big Bwoy nah listen di teacher, him only waan di donkey fi stop, so him shout out, EE GEE GEE!.

Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions: 1) $100.00 to do it on the gra**. 2) $200.00 to do it on a couch. 3) $300.00 to do it in the bed. In the morning a British bloke walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table. So they went out and did it on the gra**. Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table. So they head for the couch and did it there. About the end of the day, a Jamaican man walks in and slaps $300 on the table. Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you have class". The Jamaican responds, "Class mi r**s ... three times pon the gra**."

A Jamaican buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of the typical Jamaican baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? I thought you said he weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The Jamaican father takes a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "We had him circumcised."

If I was a skateboard I would grind you all night.
I'm like a snow storm,i'll give you 8 to 10 inches and keep you inside for the whole weekend.
I'm like budweiser, always fills you up never lets you down.
I just made my bed. Ya wana help me mess it up again?"
You make me want to have an affair.
It won't be a late night.. you'll be in bed by 7 and home by 11.
Give me a dollar and I'll make you holler.
Do you know the difference between a Quarter Pounder with cheese and a blowjob? Well then, let me take you out to lunch.
Were you born on a farm? because you really know how to raise a cock!
Hey, do you like France? (If yes:) So do I! Let's go and French!
What are you doing tonight? Besides me?
All I want is peace and quiet, give me a piece and I'll be quiet.
You must be this tall (hold up hand as if to measure height) to ride the (your name).
You wanna go skinny dipping... in my water bed?
There's a little man in my pants and he would really like you to pet him.
Wanna play some football? We can both be skins
Shall we shag now or shag later?
Baby, I want to strap you on like a feedbag. One leg over each ear!
You know, sex is like golf. It sucks until you finally get the ball in the hole yourself.
You're like a light switch..You turn me on.
There's a little man in my pants and he wants to meet you.
I've got a fire in my pants and you're the only one who can put it out.
Im tired. Youre tired. Lets sleep together!
Baby, I'm like a firefighter, I find 'em hot and leave 'em wet!
Around you I'm like a complex word, long and hard.
guy:::: How do you scare a bee??
girl:::: i don't know how?
guy::::BOOBIE!!((grab her boob)))
I do floors, doors, windows, and you.
Can I use your thighs as earmuffs??
I have a math equation for you. You + me + whipped cream = a good idea.
Are those f**k me eyes, or f**k you eyes?
Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass is out of this world.
Believe it or not, gettin' laid is still hard when you're this good-looking.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? She will say, "Why?" You will reply,
"Cause I could see myself in your pants.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? [No!] Do you want to do lunch?
Do you know what would look good on you? Me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Excuse me, I am about to go home to masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
Excuse me, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
f**k me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?
Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.
How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine
I wish you were a screen door..... [Why?] So I can slam you all day long!
If said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
Is your dad a farmer? (No, why?) Because you got some melons.
Let's bypass all the bullshit and just get naked.
Tickle your p*u**yy with a feather? (What?) I said, "Particularly nice weather."
Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under
You know, I've got the f, the c and the k, so all I need is you
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you have a nice set of buns.
You've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across.
Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, "f**k it".
May I end this sentence with a proposition?
My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
My magical watch says you aren't wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochi coo?" asks his wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.... The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie. But the bar .... you know ... the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hoer's de devours, poochi poo?" she coos. She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours - chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc... "But sweet honey, at the bar, you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that," he meekly replies. She replies, "You want dirty words cutie pie? Here drink your f**king beer in your f**king frozen glass and eat your f**king shit hoer's de vours, because you aren't going anywhere, you f**king asshole!!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jills now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city

Sex in a boat - oar-gasms
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms
Sex with 4WDrivers - four-on-the-floorgasms
Sex with a salesmen - door-to-doorgasms
Sex with a virgin - my-hymen-got-torgasms
Premature ejaculators have - beforegasms
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eeyore-gasms
Sex while broke - poor-gasms
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

 Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

 Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'




Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 
I HAD A BUNCH OF CANADIAN DOLLARS   I NEEDED TO EXCHANGE,   SO I WENT TO THE CURRENCY
 
EXCHANGE WINDOW AT THE LOCAL BANK.
 
SHORT LINE.
 
JUST ONE LADY IN FRONT OF ME AN ASIAN WHO WAS TRYING TO EXCHANGE YEN FOR DOLLARS    AND
 
SHE WAS A LITTLE IRRITATED.    SHE ASK THE TELLER.
 
"WHY IT CHANGE??   YESTERDAY I GOT HUNAT DOLLA  TO YEN.
 
TODAY I GET HUNAT EIGHTY !!!     WHY IT CHANGE ?"
 
THE TELLER SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS AND SAID    "FLUCTUATIONS"
 
THE ASIAN LADY SAYS    " FLUC   YOU  WHITE PEOPLE TOO !!"

* I need to whip it out by 5:00. * Mind if I use your laptop? * Just stick it in my box. * If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! * I want it on my desk NOW! * HHMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid. * My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. * It's an entry level position. * When do you think you'll be getting off today? * It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 2: Yeah.. today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that *lo** on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: Whaddaya think I'm doin'?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Er... Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin, too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Double knock

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it. He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?" The women replied, "June." She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling. June was a little embarra**ed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?" Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

One morning, a husband returns the family boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, Good morning, Maam. What are you doing? Reading a book, she replies, (thinking, Isnt that obvious?). Youre in a Restricted Fishing Area, he informs her. Im sorry, officer, but Im not fishing. Im reading. Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. Ill have to take you in and write you up. If you do that, Ill have to charge you with sexual assault, says the woman. But I havent even touched you, says the Game Warden. Thats true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. Have a nice day maam, and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. Its likely she can also think

A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on Friday afternoon. As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our 'big' newspapers, anxious to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, " Unnuh let me through! Let me through! A mi madda get lick-dung. " The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey.

hahahahaha

A man called a popular Jamaican talk show and said: Miss G, mi caan understand how people love do di same ting ova and ova.
Could you explain that my dear sir, Miss G replied.
Well mam, every day dem a sen man go a moon. Why dem caan sen smaddy go a sun?
Calmly, Miss G replied: Well, my dear sir, the sun is so hot here and it is 93 million miles away. Can you imagine how hot it is there? The spacecraft wouldnt even get close. It would burn up many miles away from the sun. Laughing with a know-it-all, the caller replied: Den a no easy ting dat fi solve Miss G. Jus sen di ship inna de night!!

" " "

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

-- Edited by lyndo bwoy at 15:32, 2008-04-09

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink