There once was a guy that was ironing his shorts one morning. The phone rang and as he went for the phone, but he accidentally picks up the iron, thinking it was the phone to answer the call. He was rushed to the hospital soon after.As the doctor treated his left ear, he then explained the story to the doctor, which was amused told him to be more careful next time. Well the next day the doctor saw the same guy with his right ear burnth this time. the guy then replied, "you know doctor counld you believe that the same person called me back".

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you," said the lady.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to see his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year.

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

---

Three prime ministers went to hell, Tony Blair, Bush, and Portia.

A RASTAMAN WENT TO VISIT AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND. RASTAMAN KNOCK PON DI
DOOR
AND SMADDY INSIDE SEH: " A WHO DAT"

RASTAMAN----- " I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD:
CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I"

THE PERSON INSIDE REPLIED: "A ME ONE DEY YAH, AN MI NAH OPEN DE DOOR
FI SO MUCH AH OONU".

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwIk3Zgoaok

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=j1RDlZr44EM]

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 10:27, 2008-03-25

OLD EMAIL I HAD

Relationships

Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: 'Your honor,
I want to divorce my husband.'
'But why?' asked the judge.
She replied, 'Because he is not faithful to me.'
The judge asked, 'How do you know?'
She replied, 'My Lord, not a single child resembles him.'



Love Your Enemy


from his death bed, the husband called
his wife and said,
'One month after I die I want you to marry Sammy.'
'Sammy! But he is your enemy!'
'Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now.'


Wedding Ring


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another
arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? '
The other replied, 'Yes I am, I married the wrong man.'



Why?


'Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday, I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that
night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
'Why, Dad? Tell me why!'
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said,
'Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax.'



Same Service



A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, 'When we were
first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would
bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings
the slippers and my wife runs around barking.'
'Why complain?' said the counselor. 'You're still getting the same service!'



Girl to boy

A girl says to her boyfriend, 'One kiss and I'll be yours forever.'
The guy says 'thanks for the warning'



Question


A Husband Was Asked: 'Do you talk to your wife after sex?'
He replied: 'Depends, If I Can find a Phone'


Man to wife


Man to wife on wedding night:
'Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
'Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'



Boy to girl

Boy to girl: 'Darling, I want to marry you. '
Girl: 'But I'm a year older than you'
Boy: 'NO PROBLEM. I'll marry you next year!'



Marriage Secret


Couples had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, 'many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=jpYNrbM3RTo&feature=related]

da ute yah a di B.O.S.S. ... watch the Full Video

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=x7hqIGrf09c]

White Jamaicans For Obama

Madwhitejamaican does it again. This time he's deejaying in support of Barack Obama's presidential campaign.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyJKJtN65Y8&eurl=http://www.jamaicanjokes.com/viewJoke.asp?JokeId=203&catid=14

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f**king fence wasn't electrified."

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the gra** when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the gra**.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

---

THE THINGS PPL DO 4 MONEY

-- Edited by BABY at 11:40, 2008-04-23

-- Edited by BABY at 22:03, 2008-04-26

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

This is just so stupid that I had to laugh - several times as a matter of fact...............................



WHO'S NUTS?

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13....13....13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a knothole in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.


Some guy poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting "14....14....14".

 A slight leak

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies.'
He responded.

'Oh . . . Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'

A mother and her son were flying Air Jamaica from Montego Bay to Miami. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did". Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air Jamaica always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

> > Dear Santa,
> >
> >  
> >
> > I know yah probly wonderin why I writin yuh on Boxsing Day,but after
> > opening meh presents and dem yesterday, I just had to write yuh.
> Santa
> > ah was a real good
> >
> > gyul all year round, ah lissen to meh muddah when she talk to meh, ah
> > help out with house wuk, ah even help de neighbour chilrren and them
> do dey chaws too.
> > Ah helped dat old Mr.George across d road when d oddah chilrren just
> watch him and leave
> > him dey.
> > Santa ah study hard in school dis year,so hard that ah come fuss in
> meh
> > class.
> >
> > Santa when ah write mehChristmas List to yuh, ah axk yuh for a Barbie
> > princess doll, ahBarbie kitchen, ah Dora the Explorer computer game
> and a monopoly.
> > So Santa . . . how the fock after reading meh list you would leave
> under
> > d blasted Christmas tree ah shitty focking light up yo-yo,ah
> > mudderfocking plastic tea-set and ah focking no name dollylookin like
> > she have polio.
> > Santa is like yuh focking blind or yuh cyahread!
> >
> >  
> >
> > Every year ah say ah would stop believing in yuh focking ass and like
> ah fool ah does always give
> > yuh ah nex chance but not ah fock again. Yuh focking fat ass dead
> with me, yuh hear
> > what ah say,yuh dead. Ah go wait for yuh muddahass next year, yuh
> better
> > don't try to squeezeyuh fat bolockscious ass thru meh louvers,
> because anta
> > ah swear ah go fock yuh up, it go be me , you and a guava wood.Just
> imagine
> > you give that little cokey eye, knock knee, moddaacunt Laurel from
> across de
> > road, she get everything that she axk for,till she doh even have room
> to
> > walk around she house.
> >
> >  
> >
> >  And Santa,yuh see you and dem focking reindeer and dem,all yah
> better tink
> > twice bout landing on my house next year,
> > especially dat focking Red noseprick Rudolph, ah go stone he mudda
> cunt,
> > yuh go have to walk back to d focking north pole when ah done with
> dem.
> > I swear nex year, ah waiting patiently for yuh fat focking ass to
> come Ho-Hoin'
> > on meh galvanise roof.
> >
> > Ah go do fuh yuh, ah promise, watch and see...
> >
> >  
> >
> > Love,
> >
> > Kerri Ann.
> >

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.< BR>-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8



IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9(bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

image001.jpg (11.5 KB)

Look at my piggy bank AFTER I bought gas today: LOL

 
 

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night  and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold, early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the *lo**y dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 23:16, 2008-05-09

listen to the fart here lol
http://www.blinkx.com/burl?v=C4dI40cJnBENd1RDX5Z8mqSney3Kuudy

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'

(Are women good or what?)

Ba Dang!  Lol

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=3O034qmUUjA]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=YzQEMcunk_g]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=_Lh4RPd8Vwk]


if you don't know the show...you probably won't appreciate this post!