That's why they say, 'Cheating must be based on trust',
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside...
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man,
sh*t! That must be my husband! So the guy quickly got out of bed, scared and naked.

He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, And then he
stood up and started to run fast to his car. Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman I'm your husband,
you slut!!!

So the woman answers: Oh, yeah!! And why were you running? You son of a bitch!

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the centre of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"


"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.:lo:

Subject: Beijing Olympics




Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.


Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP; Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum f*k

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni



Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! ; Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat



It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao



Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

"Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Port Antonio hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened.

The Rasta said, "Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon ... guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I mon deh ya."

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "Me neva do nutten to him! Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!"

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

A man, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be.. He had divorced his wife, lost his children, lost his job. He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takesout an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, 'You are the reason I don't have a wife', second bottle, 'You are the reason I don't have my children', third bottle 'You are the reason I lost my job'. He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says 'I know you were not involved'.

An old man lived alone in St. Mary, Jamaica. He wanted to plough his field to plant potatoes, but it was very hard work, and he was unable to do it alone. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "Papa, beg yu nuh dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning police and soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant yu potatoes, Papa. Is the best I could do at this time." Dig Up The Garden

 man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

Nursery Rhymes - Jamaican Style
Mary had a likkle lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes down quite a treat,
with rice and hard dough bread .

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.
Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said de Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All de kings horses and all de kings men,
said " cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill
Went up de hill
to have a likkle fun.
Idyat Jill forget she pill
and now them have a son.

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... gra**. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried gra**. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married? For those of you who have any questions, or misplaced envy, this should clear it up:

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is cheques.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a &*%$
MARRIAGE -When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned
 over and confided to the bartender, 'I'm so pissed
 off!''Oh yeah? What happened?' asked the
 bartender politely.'See, I met this beautiful woman who
 invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and
 jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her
 damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out
 of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my
 fingernails!''Gee, that's tough,'
 commiserated the bartender. 'Right, but that's not
 what really got me,' the customer went on. 'When
 her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great!
 You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And
 damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the
 window right onto my head?''Yeech!' the
 bartender shook his head. 'No wonder you're in a
 lousy mood.''Yeah, but I haven't told you what
 really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them
 grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband
 tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it
 land? My damned forehead!''Damn, that's
 awful!' says the bartender.'Oh, I'm not
 finished. See what really pissed me off was when the
 husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
 is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let
 loose right on my head!'The bartender paled. 'That
 would sure mess up my day.''Yeah, yeah, yeah,'
 the fellow rattled on, 'But do you know what REALLY,
 REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
 that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.'

Fidel Castro of Cuba, Maurice Bishop of Grenada and Michael Manley of Jamaica were returning from a meeting with Mikael Gorbachev in Moscow in the late 1970s. However, there was a power-cut over the entire Caribbean, so the pilot of the plane could not identify which country they were over so the plane could land.

The three leaders reassured him that they could identify their respective nations, as long as he opened a window.
This the pilot immediately did. After flying for a while, Castro shouted: "Si! This is my beloved Cuba. I smell the sugar!" The pilot then located the landing strip, let off Castro and took off again.

Bishop then erupted: "There she is, my spice island. Smell that nutmeg!" The pilot landed, let off Bishop and took off again, with only Manley on board. "What about you sir? he enquired, "How are you going to identify your country?" "Everything is under control" Manley replied. He then stuck his hand with a $50,000 gold watch outside the window. When he took it back in, the watch was gone. "We're over Jamaica!" he announced.

Breed Har Again

A 17 year-old Jamaican girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test.

Confirming her worst fears, the test result is positive. Shouting, swearing and crying, the Mother says, "Which ra** man do dis to you? Mi need fi know now!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a BMW X5 pulls up in front of their house; a dapper looking man dressed in an Armani suit steps out and walks to the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, & the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs & provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a factory and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and very decisively tells him, "You can breed har again ..."

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The African Visitor An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises .... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" ... and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?" The chief made the same noises ... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" ... and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z ... from the short-wave radio."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

The wifes mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out
how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the
waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unbeknown to her,
he was listening to the cricket on his IPod.
Hows it going? she asked anxiously.
Not bad, he smiled, theyve got four out and theres only
one to go.
Aaah, she screamed, and fainted

 

Three women: One engaged, One married, and One mistress, are chatting about their relarionships and decided to amaze thier men... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said" 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice , 4' stilettos and mask.. he said, 'you are the woman of my life, I Love you'... then er made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said. ' Het batman, what's for dinner?'
: One engaged, One married, and One mistress, are chatting about their relarionships and decided to amaze thier men... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said" 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice , 4' stilettos and mask.. he said, 'you are the woman of my life, I Love you'... then er made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said. ' Het batman, what's for dinner?'

Mummy, mummy, whats a p*u**yy? asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture
of a cat.
Thats a p*u**yy, she said.
Mummy, mummy, whats a bitch? continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasnt convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a p*u**yy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
There you are, son, he said, thats a p*u**yy.
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, Everything outside the circle, son.

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"

Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around.

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed then she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Doctor, doctor, Im so worried, said the anxious man.
Both my wife and I have black hair, but our sons just been
born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been
going on?
Not necessarily, replied the doctor. How many times do
you have sex?
About 5 times a year.
Well, theres your answer then, youre just a little rusty.

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
 into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
 
 A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

 He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
 had promised not to touch.
 
 Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled
 ATR.
 
 Who would know if he touched them?
 
 He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
 
 What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things
 like this.
 
 Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
 the warm water, gently drying his underside.
 
 When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
 his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
 pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
 loving pleasure.
 
 When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

 Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
 nurse was staring down at him.
 
 "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
 ATR button.
 
 "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
 
 MEN NEVER LISTEN 

 

-- Edited by BABY at 01:01, 2008-05-22

-- Edited by So_InTriCat3 at 22:09, 2008-04-08

 JUST A LITTLE COMIC STIP TO ENJOY

http://www.glumbert.com/media/paperclip]


-- Edited by IWALLACE12 at 23:03, 2008-05-20

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

How a Jamaican man sees it!
> >>>
> >>> Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
> >>> months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day.
> >>>
> >>> When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat on
> >>> the bed beside him he said,
> >>>
> >>> " Yu know yu' deh wid mi through all the bad times.
> >>>
> >>> When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yu stood by mi side.
> >>>
> >>> When mi get shot, yu deh by mi side.
> >>>
> >>> When wi lost the house, yu was dere .
> >>>
> >>> When mi car crash an mi bruk up yu was dere
> >>>
> >>> When mi health started to fail, yu was dere, and when a start to get
> >>> worse, yu was dere...right by mi side... Every time sumpn' bad happen to
> >>> me
> >>> yu is right dere....
> >>>
> >>> Yu know something?....
> >>>
> >>> Yu know sey it look like yu a crosses?"

dat white ute is a fool

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $527.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DK9aAZ7yvKc

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 00:34, 2008-05-22

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.

Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?

Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?

Shut up and pass me the crowbar.