---

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people b****ed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not b**** Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

---

How To Bathe A CatHow To Bathe A Cat
by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that
works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it
away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers,
I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that
lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug
by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:
"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you
might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the
bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern
for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that
advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area
where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub
with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a
shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from
your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to
protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face
mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you
have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the
bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can
be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange
attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does
notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-
testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single
liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the
glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You
have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.
Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds
at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another
squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back
into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for
cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will
be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the
cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared
to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is
semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with
your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just
reach down and dry the cat.


In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will
usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time
sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the
fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a
rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for
life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a
lot better.

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ________________________________________

If less than your age, explain __________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION ;
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________


In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church/Synagogue you attend __________________________________________

How o ften you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor/priest/rabbi? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________


B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:


______________________________________________________________


C: A woman's place is in the:


______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: &nb sp;


__________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?


______________________________________________________________


______________________________________________________________


F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:


______________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________________________________
Mother's Signature

_______________________________________________________
Father's Signature


_______________________________________________________
Pastor/Priest /Rabbi


_______________________________________________________
State Representative/Congressman


Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back);

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten siz es too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to da te other gi rls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the a mbient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


-- Edited by postinor at 08:51, 2008-03-01

One day this hunter drives his truck out into the forest, in the trunk he has a pistol, a shotgun and a rocket launcher.

So he stops off in the middle of the woods, grabs his pistol out of the trunk and goes off on foot in search of bear.

He sees one drinking down by the stream, he slowly aims the gun, and BANG! he shoots the bear and it falls down to the floor, not 2 seconds later he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns around to find the bear standing right in front of him, the bear says "look mate, that really hurt, so im gonna give u 2 choices, either i rip you to shreds, or i bumf**k you" so the hunter thinks, o s**t what should i do?, but seen as he dosent want to die he lets the bear bumf**k him.

Afterwards he's really pissed off about the bear incedent, so he crawls back to his car, grabs his shotgun and goes out in search to kill that same bear.

He finds the bear he's looking for, so BANG BANG BANG! he shoots and the bear falls to the floor, yet only 2 seconds later he is tapped on the shoulder, he turns around to find the bear standing in front of him, so the bear says "alright mate, that hurt, so you've got 2 choices, i bumf**k you, or i rip you to shreds" so once again the hunter who doesn't want to die lets him bumf**k him.

So now the hunter is really really pissed off, so he goes back to his car, pulls out his rocket launcher and goes off in search for that bear.

He comes across the bear, he aims the rocket and BOOM! the bear blows up. But once again he is tapped on the shoulder, he turns around to face the bear is behind him, the bear says " look mate, just between you and me, you're not really in this for the hunting are ya"

-- Edited by pengo at 16:44, 2007-10-28

-- Edited by CALOSS at 18:03, 2007-10-28

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P842Tmi6lrc&feature=related

---

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving >> each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the >> next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early >> morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the >> silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at >> 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, >> the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his >> flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened >> him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is >> 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

There were three pastors (an American, Chinese and a Jamaican) of a certain Christian denomination and they were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord.

The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in a box, go outside, take a stick and draw a line on the floor and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine."

The Chinese said, "I put money in box, I dont draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord."

The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw a circle, mi naw draw a line. All I do is put de money inna a box and fling it inna de air ... whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop on de groung a fi mi.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m-vDgz0A0o&feature=related

 Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
    sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
    After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
    elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
    75 flights of stairs to get to their room.  Bill said to Jim and
    Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
    concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for 25
    flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
    tell sad stories the rest of the way.  At the 26th floor Bill
    stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor
    Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.  "I will
    tell my saddest story first," he said.  "I left the room key in

This middle-aged man was going through his mid-life crisis >>so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. He >>decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the >>interstate one day. >>He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this >>highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring >>coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would >>outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph, and then >>to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming. >>The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, >>"This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. >>The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It >>has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an >>excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go." >>So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off >>with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you >>were trying to bring her back." >>The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, "Yes!" The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

---

---

WATCH

---

[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=8gz2-SHGlYs]

WATCH

some lil kids doing a great spoof of the "WASSSUP!" bud commercial
http://www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=335

---

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful s**tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. s**tter was blathering to Mrs. s**tter about the s**tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.


Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

-

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

-

Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom

with the introduction of the internet, many more retarded people are able to gain their "15 minutes of fame", some of them should have chosen a lil more wisely what they decided to do for that 15 mins....

http://www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=838

WATCH

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her p*u**y. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my p*u**y. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

---

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=FUz8BnKRH7Y]

Wequahic High School in Newark, New Jersey

-- Edited by tweeta at 19:47, 2008-06-05

-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNZ at 00:13, 2008-06-13

This Bajan decides one day that he is sick and tired of all these bajan jokes , so he decides to prove his friends wrong and that bajans are really are smart. His friends ask him to paint a couple of rooms in their house. Bright and early the next day, right after the friends leave for work, he gets down to the task at hand. The friends arrive home at 5:30 and smell the distinctive smell of paint. They walk into the living room and find the Bajan lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. They notice that he is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time. One friend goes over and asks him if he is ok. He replies yes. The friend asks what he is doing he replies that he wanted to prove to him that not all Bajans are dumb, and he wanted to do it by painting the house. The friend then asks him why he have on a parka over his leather jacket. The Bajan replies that he was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.......... "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

Up in the mountains there was an old monastery whose monks had taken a vow of silence, however tradition had it that on the feast day of their patron saint, once a year, one of the monks was allowed to say anything they felt like.
One year, after the meal, the head abbot stood up and pointed at one of the younger monks and said "This year, my son, I have decided it is you who may speak"
The monk cleared his throat, stood up and said "I think the porridge is always too lumpy", and he sat down again.
A year passed in silence, until, at the end of the next feast, as the novices were clearing away the dishes, the head honcho once more stood up and, pointing at one of the monks down the far end of the table, said "My son, this year I have decided it is you who may speak".
The monk stood and said "Er, actually, I think the porridge is always too cold", and sat down again.
Another year rolls around, silently, until once more it is the feast of the saint, and after the meal the abbot rises, and this time selects one of the older monks. "This year, my son," he said, "I have decided it is you who may speak".
The older monk slowly stands up, and says "I have decided to leave the monastery".
"What?!" exclaims the abbot, "But...but you are one of our oldest serving members...you've been here nearly as long as I have! Why on earth are you leaving?"
The old monk looks at him and says "I can't stand all this moaning about f**king porridge!"

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a >>day: 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be >>because we have to repeat everything to men." The husband then turned >>to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid >>and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to >>explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made >>me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and >>his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands >>and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed >>the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, >>touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" >>The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

"> ">

-- Edited by Buddah at 11:19, 2008-06-12

---

Eating with Children

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store? A: They are both 10¢ a screw! Submitted by: Claude Wimberly Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme! Submitted by: Ian R. Almond Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through. Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home

-- Edited by Dj.Delvito at 03:48, 2008-06-14

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Maam, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Id give it to you but I dont have one. Officer: Dont have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I seeCan I see your vehicle registration papers, please. Older Woman: I cant do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Maam, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, maam? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a cl**tch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you maam, one of my officers told me you didnt have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff when a lizard walks past,
looks up and says to the monkey, "Wha gwaan?"

The monkey says, "Yu wan some?"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they burn the herb.After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get
a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, goes to the
river and leans over to get his drink.. Well, the lizard is so high that he
leans too far over, and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard, helping him to the 
side,
then asks, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree smoking 
a
spliff with a monkey and got too stoned, which caused him to fall into
the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's got to check this monkey out and walks off, where 
he
finds the tree and the monkey is still sitting and puffing on his joint.

He looks up and says "Hey you!"





The Monkey looks down and says, "A wah de Blo*o*dclaat dis?......A how much
water you drink?

-- Edited by BUSHKASH at 04:39, 2008-06-14

TWY = Tek Weh Yuself
XA = X Amount
AO = Alms Ouse
BPT = Back Pon Top
BOAL = Buss Out A Laff
BOABDL = Buss Out A Big Dutty Laff
CAS = Crack A Smile
DWL = Dead Wid Laff
DWLAPUMS = Dead Wid Laff And Peepee Up Mi Self
FR = Fi Real
KMN = Kiss Mi Neckback
KYAWO = Kut Yeye And Wheel Out
LIH = Lick Innu Head
LM = Likkle More
MPD = Mad People Dem
MYODB = Mine Yuh Own Dyamn Biznezz
NR = Nuff Respect

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual hara**ment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

DI YUTE GET MAD!!!!

---

-when your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

-I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

-Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

-People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

-Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

-The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

-I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

-When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

-I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

-I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

-I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

-I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

-When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.

-Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.



-- Edited by titus at 23:13, 2008-06-06

-- Edited by titus at 23:18, 2008-06-06

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said, "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"