Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely off ered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet
to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)
"THE TEETH."
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what?)
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
How is he going to react?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened" "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.." He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
OFFICE MEMO:
Please note that at all future
office parties and
company picnics/functions
there will be only
one drink per person.
Please bring
your own cup.
The Management
A boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times.
* When I got fired, you were there to support me.
* When my business failed, you were there.
* When I got shot, you were by my side.
* When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
* When my health started failing you were still by my side.............
You know what?"
What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.............
I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me."
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times.
* When I got fired, you were there to support me.
* When my business failed, you were there.
* When I got shot, you were by my side.
* When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
* When my health started failing you were still by my side.............
You know what?"
What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.............
I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me."
DR. PHIL WAS CONDUCTING A GROUP THERAPY SESSION WITH FOUR YOUNG MOTHERS AND THEIR SMALL CHILDREN.
"YOU ALL HAVE OBSESSIONS," HE OBSERVED......
TO THE FIRST MOTHER, HE SAID, "YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH EATING...YOU'VE
EVEN NAMED YOUR DAUGHTER CANDY."
HE TURNED TO THE SECOND MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS WITH MONEY...AGAIN,
IT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, PENNY."
HE TURNS TO THE THIRD MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS ALCOHOL... YOU NAMED
YOUR CHILD, BRANDY."
AT THIS POINT, THE FOURTH MOTHER GETS UP TAKES HER LITTLE BOY BY
THE HAND AND WHISPERS, "COME ON DICK, WE'RE LEAVING."
Driving along a two lane rural highway, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The owner takes the guy around into the backyard where he sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Finally, retired and did the talk show circuit.
The guy is amazed. He takes the owner off to the side and asks what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Cause he's just such a f**king liar. He didn't do any of that s**t."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The owner takes the guy around into the backyard where he sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Finally, retired and did the talk show circuit.
The guy is amazed. He takes the owner off to the side and asks what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Cause he's just such a f**king liar. He didn't do any of that s**t."
Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again...for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big
deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure ... but he always has expectations
after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the
next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
37. Im so smart now. Everyones always like take your top off. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. Im not stupid. Paris Hilton
36. Whats Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff? Paris Hilton
35. The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone. Michael Jackson
34. If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final. Cyndi Lauper
33. Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost an important part of your life. Brooke Shields
32. [I hope] my child will be a good Catholic like me. Madonna
31. Its really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people. Axl Rose
30. Id rather be dead than singing Satisfaction when Im forty-five. Mick Jagger
29. Its not that I dislike many people. Its just that I dont like many people. Bryant Gumbel
28. I look at [modeling] as something Im doing for black people in general. model Naomi Campbell
27. When Im really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesnt look at me, hes probably gay. Kathleen Turner
26. When you say I committed adultery, are you stating before the marriage of 1996 or prior to? Dallas Cowboys cornerback Deion Sanders
25. We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees. NBA player Jason Kidd
24. Listening to a woman is almost as bad as losing to one. There are only three things that women are better at than men: cleaning, cooking, and having sex. Charles Barkley
23. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, its Big Business. Donald Trump
22. You know, it really doesnt matter what [the media] write as long as youve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. Donald Trump
21. He speaks English, Spanish, and hes bilingual too. Don King
20. From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs Ive ever seen on a running back. John Madden
19. Predictions are difficult, especially about the future. Yogi Berra
18. The word genius isnt applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. Joe Theismann
17. I dont think anybody should write his autobiography until after hes dead. Samuel Goldwyn
16. I never get bored, because theres always different puzzles, Im wearing different clothes, theres different contestants, theres different prizes. Vanna White
15. I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our fifty-two states. Racquel Welch
14. I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. Britney Spears
13. Ive never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I dont like eating fish. And I know thats very popular out there in Africa. Britney Spears
12. So, wheres the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? Christina Aguilera
11. I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if its true lightness. Alicia Silverstone
10. Ive got taste. Its inbred in me. David Hasselhoff
9. I cried over beauty, I cried over pain, and the other time I cried because I felt nothing. I cant help it. Im just a cliché of myself. Keanu Reeves
8. Im not anorexic. Im from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? Ive never heard of one. And that includes me. Jessica Simpson
7. Is this chicken or is this fish? I know its tuna but it says chicken of the sea. Jessica Simpson
6. Im sounding worse than Jessica Simpson right now. Shes looking like a rock scientist. Tara Reid
5. I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman. Arnold Schwarzenegger
4. I love California. I grew up in Phoenix. Dan Quayle
3. You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror. George W. Bush
2. Too many OB/GYNs arent able to practice their love with women all across the country. George W. Bush
1. Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning? George W. Bush
36. Whats Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff? Paris Hilton
35. The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone. Michael Jackson
34. If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final. Cyndi Lauper
33. Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost an important part of your life. Brooke Shields
32. [I hope] my child will be a good Catholic like me. Madonna
31. Its really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people. Axl Rose
30. Id rather be dead than singing Satisfaction when Im forty-five. Mick Jagger
29. Its not that I dislike many people. Its just that I dont like many people. Bryant Gumbel
28. I look at [modeling] as something Im doing for black people in general. model Naomi Campbell
27. When Im really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesnt look at me, hes probably gay. Kathleen Turner
26. When you say I committed adultery, are you stating before the marriage of 1996 or prior to? Dallas Cowboys cornerback Deion Sanders
25. We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees. NBA player Jason Kidd
24. Listening to a woman is almost as bad as losing to one. There are only three things that women are better at than men: cleaning, cooking, and having sex. Charles Barkley
23. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, its Big Business. Donald Trump
22. You know, it really doesnt matter what [the media] write as long as youve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. Donald Trump
21. He speaks English, Spanish, and hes bilingual too. Don King
20. From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs Ive ever seen on a running back. John Madden
19. Predictions are difficult, especially about the future. Yogi Berra
18. The word genius isnt applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. Joe Theismann
17. I dont think anybody should write his autobiography until after hes dead. Samuel Goldwyn
16. I never get bored, because theres always different puzzles, Im wearing different clothes, theres different contestants, theres different prizes. Vanna White
15. I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our fifty-two states. Racquel Welch
14. I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. Britney Spears
13. Ive never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I dont like eating fish. And I know thats very popular out there in Africa. Britney Spears
12. So, wheres the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? Christina Aguilera
11. I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if its true lightness. Alicia Silverstone
10. Ive got taste. Its inbred in me. David Hasselhoff
9. I cried over beauty, I cried over pain, and the other time I cried because I felt nothing. I cant help it. Im just a cliché of myself. Keanu Reeves
8. Im not anorexic. Im from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? Ive never heard of one. And that includes me. Jessica Simpson
7. Is this chicken or is this fish? I know its tuna but it says chicken of the sea. Jessica Simpson
6. Im sounding worse than Jessica Simpson right now. Shes looking like a rock scientist. Tara Reid
5. I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman. Arnold Schwarzenegger
4. I love California. I grew up in Phoenix. Dan Quayle
3. You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror. George W. Bush
2. Too many OB/GYNs arent able to practice their love with women all across the country. George W. Bush
1. Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning? George W. Bush
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed.
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed.
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'
'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'
'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'
'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'
'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'
'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's p*u**y willow.'
'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'
'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'
'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'
'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'
'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'
'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's p*u**y willow.'
'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'
There is a Guyanese guy from Berbice name Rummy.
One day he invited his buddies for a drink to celebrate his
first child.
While they drinking, one of his friends asks Rummy "eh how lang
yuh marraid bai?"
Rummy said "bout 4 1/2 months" so his friend says "Rummy yuh so
stuppid"!! "It tek 9 months to get ah pickney, when you wife get
pregnant?"
Rummy said: "Bai me tek she 4 1/2 months ago, on abee wedding
nite, a wa yuh a try fa sey, me wife had ah nada man before
meh?"
His friend said "YES! And yuh betta check pan she!!"
So Rummy went home vexx like rass and call pan he wife and ask:
"Woman, how we get pickney in 4 1/2 month?"
His wife replies: "Rummy you so stuppid, how lang you married
me?"
He replies: "4 1/2 month.,"
"And how lang me married you?",
He replies: "4 1/2 months."
"Well tell me Rummy, duh nah mek 9 months? Rummy, bai you
sooooooooooo stuppidee."
Rummy bai replied: "You right you know, meh na figure it out
laka dah, me sorry meh ask yu, yu right, yu right...."
- Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
- When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
- The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.
- Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
- Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.
- Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.
- Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
- Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.
- Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.
- Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.
- 5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.
- When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.
- Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.
- Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.
- Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.
- Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
- When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal.
- When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.
- Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
- On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
- Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
- There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
- Mr. T does not actually pity fools. He is just being sarcastic. No one has noticed because it is difficult to pick up such subtleties while being bludgeoned.
- Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.
- Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
- Mr. T's mohawk is so scared of Mr. T, that it started running to his beard for help.
- Mr. T's feather earrings are actually feathers from a foolish bird that he pitied.
- Mr. T wasn't afraid of flying on the A-Team, he just faked it so a "nigg* could get paid"
- Mr. T invented the Civil Rights movement
- Mr. T invented the X-Ray, the G-String, the R-Rating and Jay-Z after a late-night drunken bender caused him to momentarily forget which letter he was.
- Complaining of back pain, Atlas once asked Mr. T to hold up the world for him. Mr. T agreed, on the condition that in exchange Atlas would wear Mr. T's golden necklaces. After five minutes of excruciating pain, Atlas asked for the world back.
- Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be pitied by Mr. T, than you are to have feet.
- Brigadier General Donald Alston once glimpsed Mr. T in a K-Mart wearing an American-flag wife-beater. He now refuses to salute anyone else.
- Mr. T always has room for Jell-o.
- Mr. T comes with an FDA warning on his side which reads "In case of Pity, please remove all lose articles and prepare for helluva far throwing."
- Mr. T, in an attempt to become the "standard" for brewed tea, once kicked Earl Grey's ass.
- When he found out he would lose the rematch while making Rocky III, Mr. T administered to Sylvester Stallone an angy look. Seeing Mr. T's anger broke every bone in Slys face, left him mildly retarded and unable to remember the incident. To this day, Sly has no idea why he s**ts his pants at the mere sight of a black man with a mohawk.
- Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show Where Are They Now was the shortest in the shows history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words Right Behind You written on it.
- Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
- Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.
- Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.
- Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.
- The last time Mr. T went to McDonalds, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
- All human life can be traced centuries back to a single black woman in Africa. Mr. T was her booty call.
- THE LAST MAN WHO QUESTIONED MR T. WAS SADDAM, AND HE WAS HUNG. ---submitted by james. Our comments - Wow James, that was great. In all caps even! You must have spent forever coming up with that one. Common...you can do better...
- Mr. T once clocked in at over 451 FPPS.
Fools Pitied Per Second.
__________________
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!".
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there.".
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!".
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?".
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.".
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?".
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.".
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?".
Ralph answered, "Only when it rains!"
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow,
unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, `I`m so pissed off!`
`Oh yeah? What happened?` asked the bartender politely.
`See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!
`Gee, that`s tough!` commiserated the bartender.
`Right, but that`s not what really got me aggravated,` the customer went on.
`When her husband came into the room he said `Hey great! You`re naked already! Let me just take a leak`. And damned if the lazy son of a b*t*h didn`t piss out the window right onto my head?`
Yeech!` the bartender shook his head. `No wonder you`re in a lousy mood.`
`Yeah, but I haven`t told you what really really got to me.` Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land ? `My damned forehead !`
`Damn, that really is a drag !` says the bartender.
`Oh, I`m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !`
The bartender paled. `That would sure mess up my day.`
`Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, `but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off ? When I looked down and saw that myfeet were only SIX inches off the ground!!`
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this
small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Cam in. Cam into my humble shop!" So they walked
in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I tink you would
be interested in... Dey make you wild at da sex".
"The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband
asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do
nutting cept try dem on."So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In
the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violentlyover a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, andgrabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican began screaming, "Da Fak... you got dem on da wrong feet!
Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet.
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Brain test
Count every " F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6-- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind this:
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Count every " F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6-- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind this:
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"
GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shinny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"
GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shinny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a
rib???"
The rest is history . . .
Here's one for ya, overheard in a local establishment:
So I leave the gym tonight, and I go into the supermarket to get a drink. On my way out there is a girl in front of me. Short, bow legged, and she got on this NIPPY tights, so all she nooksie printing out.
This obscene man holler out 'YOU!!! DAT POKEY FAT!!!!!'
I am in shock. But the girl calmly looks around and says, 'You.. you betta guh home yeh. You muddah waan pee.'
Man: 'YOU TELL ME BOUT MY MUDDAH???? AH???? WUHS DAH YUH SAY BOUT MY MUDDAH????'
Woman: 'I tell you guh home cuz she waan pee.'
Man: 'WUH DE f**k DAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??? WUH DE f**k YOU TALKIN BOUT????? WUH I GINE GUH HOME FOR????'
Woman: 'Well how de f**k you muddah gine pee if she CUNT at de supermarket?'
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
While crossing the street one day a Jamaican MP (Member of Parliament) is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We have never had a Jamaican high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Member of Parliament.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is shaking his hand, and reminiscing about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises to heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted".
Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.
Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.
The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done...
Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor.
"How many poles did your group set?" He asked. "Two." Replied the Blonde forewoman.
"What! Just, two!" exclaimed the Supervisor. "The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?"
"It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us," replied the Blonde. "But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!"
Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.
The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done...
Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor.
"How many poles did your group set?" He asked. "Two." Replied the Blonde forewoman.
"What! Just, two!" exclaimed the Supervisor. "The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?"
"It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us," replied the Blonde. "But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!"
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in c**ckpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in c**ckpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in c**ckpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in c**ckpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in c**ckpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in c**ckpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children.
Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children
by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.at the
funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "at least they're finally
together." a guy sitting in the front row says, "excuse me father, but
do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second
husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children
by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.at the
funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "at least they're finally
together." a guy sitting in the front row says, "excuse me father, but
do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second
husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for.
During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free.
The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me -
but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"
During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free.
The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me -
but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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