Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!
Blowjobs A survey was conducted with a thousand men to try and establish why men like blow jobs so much.
5% said that they like the feel of their cock in a womans moist mouth
20% said that they like the domination they have over their woman
and 75% said that they like the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.
Mad Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Pregnant When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!
Blowjobs A survey was conducted with a thousand men to try and establish why men like blow jobs so much.
5% said that they like the feel of their cock in a womans moist mouth
20% said that they like the domination they have over their woman
and 75% said that they like the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.
Mad Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Pregnant When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
So if u said yes damn u are dumber than this blond :) And at least 5th grade kid knew an anwser :)
Watch
Watch
http://fliiby.com/file/12664/lt9zgonpze.html
: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here".
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't
die?
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
your house and car with them.
Q: What's the speed limit of sęx?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch
A: Its Braille for "suck here".
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't
die?
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
your house and car with them.
Q: What's the speed limit of sęx?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch
Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference.
At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket.
How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked an American.
Watch the ride my yute! answers a Jamaican.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans
dont buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket, asks one perplexed American.
Watch the ride my yute!! says a Jamaican.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.
At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket.
How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked an American.
Watch the ride my yute! answers a Jamaican.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans
dont buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket, asks one perplexed American.
Watch the ride my yute!! says a Jamaican.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.
- You can distinguish between "cocoa-tea" "bush-tea" and"green-tea".
- When someone sympathizes with you, you comment "Yuh tink seh it easy?"
- You point with your lips.
- You can't say "three" or "thing" ... you say "tree" and "ting".
- You say words like Heg (instead of Egg); Hingland (instead of England)
- You give directions with your hands, even if it is in another state.
- You go to parties for the food and drink and then cuss afterwards when the food and drink run out.
- You nod your head upwards to greet someone.
- You always find yourself standing next to plenty of luggage and boxes at the airport.
- When you travel home, you bring an extra suitcase going down, it has none of your clothes; returning, it has food.
- You hate to throw away empty containers as they might come in handy for pepper sauce or "green seasonings".
- You have one big pot you call curry pot when you are not even cooking curry.
- You have another pot you called dutch pot.
- You say "bwoy" at the beginning of a sentence and "man" at the end of it.
- You always hang something on your rearview mirror.
- You put pepper sauce on everything for the taste.
- You think eating ackee and saltfish, plaintain and fried dumplings are a great morning breakfast.
- You can't go a week without a rice dish.
- You think steak is a waste of good meat; you would rather cut it up and stew it with potatoes.
- You chew and suck out all the marrow from the chicken bone and then pick out your teeth afterwards.
- You save all juices from the cooked meats/chicken to use for flavour for your next dish.
- You wash and rinse plastic utensils and cups that can be used again.
- You bring home food from a party (enough for your breakfast the next morning, your lunch and your dinner!)
- You chew the ice when you finish your drinks.
- You must put dumplings in all soups.
- You show disapproval by sucking your teeth.
- You have a dishwasher in the house and only use it for special occasions.
- At Christmas, you have to have "black cake".
- You have a thyme (or mint) bush growing somewhere in your yard.
Proud Jamaican
A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on
Friday afternoon.
As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd
gathered. A male reporter from one of our 'big' newspapers, anxious
to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a
clever sort, he started shouting loudly, " Unnuh let me through! Let me
through! A mi madda get lick-dung. "
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey.
*Proud Jamaican *
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American
too. Â Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their
hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one
exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." replied Gita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Jamaican" boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Gita why she is a Jamaican.
"Well, my mom and dad are Jamaicans, so I'm a Jamaican too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly, "If
your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be
then?" >
A pause, and a smile. "Then" says Gita, "I'd be an American
FIGURE THIS ONE OUT..........This will Mess With Your Head.
December 15, 2007
Started By linko — 13 Comments
This will Mess With Your Head.
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO
EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5. ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29. WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?
SEND THIS TO 5 PEOPLE AND THE ANSWER WILL APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN.
.
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO
EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5. ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29. WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?
SEND THIS TO 5 PEOPLE AND THE ANSWER WILL APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN.
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO
EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5. ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29. WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?
SEND THIS TO 5 PEOPLE AND THE ANSWER WILL APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN.
.
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO
EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5. ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29. WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?
SEND THIS TO 5 PEOPLE AND THE ANSWER WILL APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN.
WHO DOES WHAT
>
>A man and his wife were having an argument about who
>should brew the coffee each morning.
>The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
>and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
> The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
>you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
>coffee."
>Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
>that the man should do the coffee."
>Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
>So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
>and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
>says.........."HEBREWS"
>
>A man and his wife were having an argument about who
>should brew the coffee each morning.
>The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
>and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
> The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
>you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
>coffee."
>Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
>that the man should do the coffee."
>Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
>So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
>and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
>says.........."HEBREWS"
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
I still don't know if she was joking.
St. Peter came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven.
But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin through the fence. They are constantly hanging out by the gate disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for a 'bly' for their baby modder, cousin, sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie...
Whenever it is their turn to watch the gates they keep letting in heavy, good looking women. They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they
are 'STYLING'. Angels must have two wings to fly! Some of them have put on chrome wings and are dazzling the other angels when they are flying.
The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their
robes since they arrived because they didn't come to heaven to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean because 'dem ah no helper'. Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like 'ital' food.
Some refuse to wear their halos because 'it will mess up their hairdo'. Some are wearing it backways. Others are wearing it with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white halos and are wearing gold ones instead; they claim these are 'bashy'. Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing 'batty riders' claiming that they have pretty skin and want to show off their 'bandy legs'.
Reggae music is blasted at all hours of the night. Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers. Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who claims he was only 'checking out' Eve.
They have planted ganja in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming 'man and man haffi hustle'. What should I do?!'
The Lord said, 'It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven.
They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities.
Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them and are using the wrong approach.
Let's check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil.'
The Devi l answered the phone and said, 'Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?'
The Lord said, 'We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it.'
The Devil said, 'Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold. '
The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, 'OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?'
The Lord said, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here.'
Again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold for fifteen minutes this time. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,'Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn Jamaicans down here..... I don't know where they found water, but they have put out the fire and yesterday they even had air conditioning installed saying 'man come yah fe chill'.
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good
lf**k in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your over-indulgent
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.
Santa
________________________________________
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do
you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don 't live
in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third,
I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through
your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses
of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
_______________________________________
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell!
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in
a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back
to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to
give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum set, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay;
I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good
lf**k in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your over-indulgent
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.
Santa
________________________________________
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do
you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don 't live
in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third,
I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through
your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses
of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
_______________________________________
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell!
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in
a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back
to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to
give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum set, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay;
I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=jH8gtrD4_C4]
LOL...strange music...but funny ting still :P
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 00:28, 2007-11-30
LOL...strange music...but funny ting still :P
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 00:28, 2007-11-30
VIDEO OF SHAQ DISSING KOBE BRYANT IN A FREESTYLE RAP>>>>>DWL
June 25, 2008
Started By DJ O.P. — 3 Comments
MI NUH SURE IF THIS POST YET
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=u8j1N2ttUqk]
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit Startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit Startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high
that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The
preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop
was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The
Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much
for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the
plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES
HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high
that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The
preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop
was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The
Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much
for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the
plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES
HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Hii...
This is really good one
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses,
TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you
give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
"Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the
Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables,
then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers, "that's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called.
Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew,
And third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
This is really good one
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses,
TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you
give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
"Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the
Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables,
then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers, "that's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called.
Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew,
And third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
She thats a nice watch
He it tells me all about other people and sex
She no way, well what does it say about me
He it says you have no underwear on
She well its wrong
He perhaps its not its half an hour slow
if u dont get it yuor a slow minded person lol
He it tells me all about other people and sex
She no way, well what does it say about me
He it says you have no underwear on
She well its wrong
He perhaps its not its half an hour slow
if u dont get it yuor a slow minded person lol
________________________________
>
> Kids Are Quick..lmaooooooooooo
>
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ...
> MARIA: Here it is.
> TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
> CLASS: Maria.
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
> ____________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
> __________________________________
>
>
>
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
> WINNIE: Me!
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> _______________________________________
>
>
>
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
> MILLIE: I is..
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
>
> _________________________________
>
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
> ______________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
> ______________________________
>
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
> CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
> ___________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
> HAROLD: A teacher
>
THE SILENT TREATMENT
>
>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
>other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
>he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
>flight.
>Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
>piece of paper,
>"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
>and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
>see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
>the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>
>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
>other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
>he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
>flight.
>Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
>piece of paper,
>"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
>and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
>see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
>the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset ~ I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.
The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".
Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."
"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."
"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."
And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."
The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".
Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."
"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."
"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."
And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.
He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.
-- Edited by CALOSS at 04:13, 2007-11-21
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"
Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
"That's not your business either, young man."
The boy thinks a minute, and then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then,
can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says
his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you
everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective,
"but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh
145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
"That's not your business either, young man."
The boy thinks a minute, and then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then,
can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says
his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you
everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective,
"but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh
145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."
A boy rides to school on a brand new bike and all of his school friends are amazed that he could afford such a thing. When he was asked by his friend how he got it he replied saying that he was walking home the night before and a girl passed him on her bike, skidded to a halt infront of him and took off all her clothes and shouted "take what you want", so he took the bike. "Good choice" his friends said, "The clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway"
One time while driving to the 7-11 to refill our beer supply, A friend and I were stuck at a red light behind a guy with a bumper sticker that read "Goat Roper".
In my infinite drunken wisdom, I realized that I had a black permanent marker in my car, threw it in park, grabbed the marker, ran up to the rear of this truck, and changed the "o" in "roper" to an "a".
Some asshat is now driving around with a bumper sticker that says "Goat Raper".
antigravity!!!
ultimate weapon!
act of defiance
cruel world
caution!
pwnage
l33t cereal
firewall
fate?
bridge
homeless robot
sorry?
cat...
he saw you...
boobies?
when not busy...
karate?
a spy?
voices...
hes watching you!!!
America see us like that
wrong?
carefully
Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Door of a plastic surgeons office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.
There were 3 guys talking in a bar. Two of them are talking about the way they controlled their wives, while the third guy remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees! '
The first two guys were amazed. 'Well..... What happened next?' they asked.
'Well she said.... 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN !!!'
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees! '
The first two guys were amazed. 'Well..... What happened next?' they asked.
'Well she said.... 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN !!!'
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?"
asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, Nepal, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the
sentence,
Because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of
the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres,
poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that ..." "You want dirty words, Cutie pie?...
LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT
IT, A**HOLE?" ....
And, they lived happily ever after.
Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?"
asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, Nepal, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the
sentence,
Because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of
the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres,
poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that ..." "You want dirty words, Cutie pie?...
LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT
IT, A**HOLE?" ....
And, they lived happily ever after.
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice echo from far, far away...
"We're down here!"
A lawyer runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the Police. He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better education than any Jamaican Police. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Police expense.
The Police says," Yuh License an yuh registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"Yuh neva did come to a complete stop, Says the Police. License an registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"De difference is dat yuh hav fe come to ah complete stop - dat's de law. License an registration, please!" the Police says.
Lawyer says,"If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." That sounds fair.
Get yuh ass outa de vehicle, sar, the Police says.
At this point, the Police drape up de man, pull out his batton and starts beating the ever-loving hell out of the lawyer and says,
"Yuh waan me fe stop, ar just slow down?"
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=vt2i0ts-uck]
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=z3rskbp3zao]
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=z3rskbp3zao]
A woman is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=cbi9oHWGGWo]
-- Edited by STAINLESS at 18:25, 2007-10-01
-- Edited by STAINLESS at 18:25, 2007-10-01
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