Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
Jerky Boys - You Kicked My Dog.mp3- them man ya a sample LOLOLOL
June 28, 2008
Started By dappa75 — 8 Comments
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
Cheating Husband
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of
bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any
cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of
bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any
cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
And u wonder how popeye so strong afta him eat spinach
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane......" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this
is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for
suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods,
the undressing, Aunt Jane lying down on the back seat. Then Aunt
Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane......" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this
is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for
suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods,
the undressing, Aunt Jane lying down on the back seat. Then Aunt
Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Speed control bandits in Denmark ! for men only !!!
June 28, 2008
Started By frantchess — 6 Comments
[youtube=http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=NJUaL8fTLwc]
dwl
Denmark ppl !
dwl
Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had on any clothes, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox
.....................................
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Ted
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had on any clothes, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox
.....................................
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Ted
#1 Hater In The World (Him Nuh Play Him Diss Anybody)***
June 29, 2008
Started By Shem1 — 18 Comments
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=7F7E-wLTVPc]
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
The population of Jamaica is 2.5 million.
> 1 million are retired.
> That leaves 1.5 million to do the work.
> There are .5 million in school.
> Which leaves 1 million to do the work.
> Of this there are .3 million employed by the current government to do nothing.
> Leaving .7 million to do the work.
> 50 thousand are in the armed forces preoccupied with trying to get tax payers money and doing nothing.
> Which leaves 650,000 thousand to do the work.
> Take from that total the 300,000 thousand people who do not work.
> And that leaves 350,000 to do the work.
> At any given time there are 200,000 people in hospitals.
> Leaving 150,000 to do the work.
> Now, there are 149,998 people in prisons.
> That leaves just two people to do the work.
> You and me.
> And there you are,
> sitting on your ass,
> at your computer, reading jokes.
> Nice. Real nice!!
> 1 million are retired.
> That leaves 1.5 million to do the work.
> There are .5 million in school.
> Which leaves 1 million to do the work.
> Of this there are .3 million employed by the current government to do nothing.
> Leaving .7 million to do the work.
> 50 thousand are in the armed forces preoccupied with trying to get tax payers money and doing nothing.
> Which leaves 650,000 thousand to do the work.
> Take from that total the 300,000 thousand people who do not work.
> And that leaves 350,000 to do the work.
> At any given time there are 200,000 people in hospitals.
> Leaving 150,000 to do the work.
> Now, there are 149,998 people in prisons.
> That leaves just two people to do the work.
> You and me.
> And there you are,
> sitting on your ass,
> at your computer, reading jokes.
> Nice. Real nice!!
ive heard the audio b4, but this video mek it even more funny
How do ya recycle a condom???
Turn it inside out & shake the fucc out of it!
Turn it inside out & shake the fucc out of it!
| PICTURES THAT PLAY WITH YOUR MIND See the baby? |
I am very disapointed in you. I just hope what i heard about youis not true bcos everyone is talking about it. If the rumor is true, pls for your sake, just do something about your tainted image and change for the better. now , tell me IS IT true what people are saying - do u really BATH Naked?
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,lettuce if she wants it harder and tomato if she wants a new position. Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, it sounds. Then the little brother chimes in, Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, youre getting mayonnaise all over my face.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Mr.Brown SEXTALK prank phone call MMMMAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDD FUNNY
June 27, 2008
Started By dappa75 — 4 Comments
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
A guy and his wife goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "hello". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching ?She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Don't cheat. It's pretty good, see how close it comes. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.
1. Which is your favorite color out of: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!) Answers
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Gre en - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If you're initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar:The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday
1. Which is your favorite color out of: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!) Answers
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If you're initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday
Don't let your dream ride pass you by. Make it a reality with Yahoo! Autos.
Climb to the top of the charts! Play Star Shuffle: the word scramble challenge with star power. Play Now!
1. Which is your favorite color out of: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!) Answers
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Gre en - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If you're initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar:The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday
Emotion Test Don't cheat. It's pretty good, see how close it comes. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.
1. Which is your favorite color out of: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!) Answers
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If you're initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday
Once there was a prostitute who had three different
rates based on the following conditions:
1) $100.00 to do it on the gra**.
2) $200.00 to do it on a couch.
3) $300.00 to do it in the bed.
In the morning a British blonde walks in and slaps a
$100 note on the table.
So they went out and did it on the gra**.
Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200
note on the table
So they head for the couch and did it there.
About the end of the day, a Jamaican man walks in and
slaps $300 on the table.
Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says,
"Wow,...you have class"
The Jamaican responds, "Class mi ra**.... Lets do it three times
pon the gra**."
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he cant hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning I, pointed to his knee meaning need, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor smiles and nods his head. And then, he pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, What the f**k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!. The other guy says,
I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - Im coming!
He pointed to his eye meaning I, pointed to his knee meaning need, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor smiles and nods his head. And then, he pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, What the f**k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!. The other guy says,
I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - Im coming!
A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with
the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked,
'Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?' Thinking quickly, the Rasta
replied, 'A bird.'
The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell
asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Portland hospital in
tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened. The Rasta
said, 'Mi noh kno. I mon was lying on de beach, dislikkle gal asked me aquestion, den I mon.... guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I manknow is I mon deh ya.'
The police went t o the beach, found the littlegirl, and asked her 'What did you do to that naked Rasta?' After apause, the girl replied,'me neva do nutten to him? Nutten at all. Mewas a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, crackedits two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!'
A Junior Software engineer, a Senior Software engineer and their Project Manager are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".
So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff" and he was gone.
Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff"
and he was also gone.
The Project Manager calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"
So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff" and he was gone.
Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff"
and he was also gone.
The Project Manager calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
*********************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
*******************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
**************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
*****************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
*********************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
*******************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
**************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
*****************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law
school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and
opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to
make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the
man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He
motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You
tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less
than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case
next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members
of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with
him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put
down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as
you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied,
"I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up
your phone."
-- Edited by Garrick at 06:38, 2007-12-13
school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and
opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to
make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the
man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He
motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You
tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less
than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case
next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members
of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with
him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put
down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as
you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied,
"I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up
your phone."
-- Edited by Garrick at 06:38, 2007-12-13
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls
when she stumbled upon a old empty bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared.
She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant
her ONE wish.
She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes
if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said,"Nope, sorry three-wish genies nuh real,
me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So... what yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map,
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE!
Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.
Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years.
mi good but mi nuh dat good!
Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!!
Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking
& house-cleaning, is great in bed FAITHFUL.
That's what I wish for... a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"
when she stumbled upon a old empty bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared.
She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant
her ONE wish.
She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes
if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said,"Nope, sorry three-wish genies nuh real,
me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So... what yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map,
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE!
Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.
Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years.
mi good but mi nuh dat good!
Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!!
Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking
& house-cleaning, is great in bed FAITHFUL.
That's what I wish for... a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"
8am, One monday morning a man was speeding to work along a highway and was radared by a cop hidden behind a bridge. The cop flags him down to write him a ticket, when questioning him he asks, "and why are you in such a hurry this morning?". The man, pissed off he's getting a ticket, replies, "I'm running late for work."
The cop then asks, "what do you do for a living that is so important that you can't be 5 minutes late?!"
The man replies, "I stretch rectums and I have a very important appointment this morning." The cop, confused, asks the man, "you stretch rectums?"
The man then explains, " Yes, you see i start with two fingers and work my way outward on the rectum, then i move to four, six, 8 fingers...and so on, to the diameter they want their rectum stretched... This morning I'm suppose to stretch a rectum to 6ft in diameter!"
The cop, intrigued, then askes the man "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole??"
And the man replies, "Give him a radar gun and send him to the highway at 8 in the morning."
-- Edited by Ryano at 02:57, 2007-12-15
The cop then asks, "what do you do for a living that is so important that you can't be 5 minutes late?!"
The man replies, "I stretch rectums and I have a very important appointment this morning." The cop, confused, asks the man, "you stretch rectums?"
The man then explains, " Yes, you see i start with two fingers and work my way outward on the rectum, then i move to four, six, 8 fingers...and so on, to the diameter they want their rectum stretched... This morning I'm suppose to stretch a rectum to 6ft in diameter!"
The cop, intrigued, then askes the man "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole??"
And the man replies, "Give him a radar gun and send him to the highway at 8 in the morning."
-- Edited by Ryano at 02:57, 2007-12-15
One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Shabba, whered you get that truck?!?
Wendy gave it to me Shabba replied.
She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?
Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, Shabba, take whatever you want.
So I took the truck!
Shabba, youre a smart man!
Them clothes woulda never fit you!
Shabba, whered you get that truck?!?
Wendy gave it to me Shabba replied.
She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?
Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, Shabba, take whatever you want.
So I took the truck!
Shabba, youre a smart man!
Them clothes woulda never fit you!
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