Blow out the flame on the shot before you drink it, butthead .  

http://www.zshare.net/download/1470770715bc7065/

This buoy wen a walk pon de road and car lick im dong, him when a bleed and him did knock out. Somebady say:
"Get di buoy som suga and wata nuh". Di buoy git up and say "Get mi som bun and cheese too".

>A 17 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
>for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
>chemist and buys a pregnancy test.
>
>Confirming her worst fears, the test result is
>positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the Mother says, "Who is the
>bastard that did this to you? I want to Know!"
>
>The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half
>an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature
>and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
>suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
>
>He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, & the girl
>and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
>problem. I can't marry her
>because of my personal family
>situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs & provide for your
>daughter for the rest of her life.
>
>Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
>townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000
>bank account. He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
>couple of factories & a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will
>receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a
>miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
>
>At this point, the father, who had remained
>silent, places a hand firmly
>on the man's shoulder and very decisively tells him,
>
>"You breed har again..."

http://www.zshare.net/download/56768461ea3fea/

-- Edited by shamar at 07:22, 2008-06-27

jerky boys - picos mexican hairpiece
http://www.zshare.net/audio/143314519c942980/

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and lef t it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. < SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: navy">
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I tho ught you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

	Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
	One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarra**ed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarra**ed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

http://www.zshare.net/download/14707112053cb116/

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!
Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he
hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love
Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God!
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started
Waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a
few times to share in the love!

-- Edited by zortec at 01:56, 2008-07-04

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocha wanted to take a day off work to go to Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over.

'Obediah, Ah have fi go a Kingston today, Ah want you to keep the clinic open, in case any patients come in. You t'ink you cyan handle it?'

'Yes, sah, yes sah!' answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, 'So how t'ings went yesterday?'

'I had was to treat t'ree patients,' said Obie proudly.
De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol.

De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox.

'Good work, good work,' said the doctor, ' And de t'ird patient?'

'Well, sah, suddenly dis ooman bust inna de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem. Den she shout out, 'Help mi! Fi five years now mi never see any man!''

'Lawd, god man.' exclaimed the doctor, 'Is weh you do?'

'Mi put drops inna her eye dem.' replied Obie proudly.

You ever get horny from texting ur man or woman? dont act hardcore now just tell the truth plz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt4X7zFfv4k

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low *lo** sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a *lo** sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give *lo** I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Child Psychology

A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked."No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself." 

deal wid him proper viper ft bluetooth fraseca krew

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children.
           I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm,
so please don't let them know of my immediate
availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and
integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class
act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history.
I've made money and lost money.
I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as
'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME *la*hPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 every morning.

Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies,
as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat -
just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an
assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so
oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured
so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
rarefied facets of financial management as the major
sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS and JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed
and my employer does not know I am looking for another
job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology,

I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is
unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating *lo**. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense
fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
Midwest chain operation."

Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to
their elderly mother:

The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama."

The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver"

The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to
love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a
Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15
years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di
verse, an di parrot wi recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh.
Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a
clean di whole house."

"Winston," she wrote to another, "Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi
travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im
too dyam facey!"

"Dearest Delroy," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense fi
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

http://www.zshare.net/audio/14488976f9d70ef3/
DEAD>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

this cat must be a black belt in kicking ass.

---

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Sample  RESUME from the GHETTO







Rozonda LaQueets Pookie Jenkins

2036 South Side Skreet Projects

Compton, CA 11122

Phone: Cut off right now but will be back on by the 15th.






OBJECTIVE
To one day fulfill my dream of becoming a SoulTrain Dancer and, you know, just gittin my life together and stuff. I also hope to one day be the best cosmotologecalist in the hood.



SKILLS
I do hurh and nails in my kitchen and I use my glitter and weave bonding glue for arts and crafts and stuff. I do braids in any texture or color; synthetic or human hurh.



EDUCATION
The GET YOURS Home Correspondence Course, INC

Big Mammas House of Hair N Nails N Fried Chicken N Stuff (Gradiated with honors for themost extensions don in a years time)



WORK EXPERIENCE


January 10, 1999-January 30, 1999
Big Daddys Motel Motor Lodge Bar and Grill Pool Hall and Bait N TackleShop
Reason for leaving; I got sick n tired of Big Daddy hittin on me.



March 1, 1999-November 1, 1999
The Golden Tooth Dental and Jewelry Emporium
I loveded this job cuz they gave me a free toof ary monf and now I can spell my baby daddy name but they done up and fired me cuz I let one of my jomeboys sniff the laughing gas. He just smelt it, he dont do drugs no mo.



November 2, 1999-November 10, 1999
My Baby Daddys Day Ca4re Center Car Wash and Barber Shop
Reason for leaving: They tried to work a sistuh ta deaf and I got thangs ta do



November 12, 1999-November 14, 1999
Kim Fung Tois House of Rice and Skrimps and Stuff
Reason for Leaving: You dont even wanna know



November 18, 1999-November 19, 1999
Jimmys Jheri Curls and Motor Lube
Reason for leaving: Hospitalized for spine injury when I slpped on an overflow of activator







December 2, 1999-December 2, 1999
The Ike Turner Pimp Slap Recovery Center (They have lovely commodations; yes I worked there and was a patient too.)

Reason for leaving: Center closed down cuz Tina Turner done refused Ikes request to give a benefit concert and donate the money to Ike. Ike say Tina done got beside haself since she a big star and arythang. He say he remember when she was Anna Mae Bullock from Nut Bush, Tennessee.





REFERENCES


LaWanda Jenkins (from up the skreet)



Hezakiah Clevestus The Playa Jones (my homies cuzzins babydaddy)



The Right Reverend Aliza Benjarmin Ineedadrank Ogrady (pastor of the Greater Mt. Carmel Church of God in Christ Kingdom Hall of Our Lady of Saints Holy Rosary Latter Day Seventh Advent Saints Episcapaleen Sanctified Non-Denominational Baptist Church Inc., a not-for-profit agency.)

-- Edited by "STAINLESS" at 20:26, 2007-02-09

Three mentally insane men were walking down the street when they came across a huge pile of what apeared to be dog shit. The first loone sticks his eye in it and says, "it looks like shit" The second loone sticks his nose in it and says, "it smells like shit" then finally third loone wlks up and sticks his tongue in it and says, "it tastes like shit" then they all look at each other and say, "Thank god we didn't step in it"!

                       A wife went to the police station with her
next-door neighbor to report that her husband
was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has
dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build,
weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good
to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband
is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and
is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

*This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

*Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)

*This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.

* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

*User Error: Replace user.

*Windows VirusScan 1.0 - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)

*If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesnt it feel nice to have
security?

*Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

http://www.zshare.net/video/563310751305f6/

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and
decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned
a second wedding. They were discussing the details
with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal
gown and she started describing the dress she
was planning to wear. One of her friends asked
what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, John chimed in, "Yep silver
- - to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot,
Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are
going barefoot."

 

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that."Why," asked the little girl."Because its dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!""Yup," said the mom.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the
PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride
ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step
mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million
bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told
her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another
dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you
could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroys homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my b*t*h rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, man, it look fake. He say, Bullshit, that watch israel..

9. Undermine - Theres a fine lookin ho who live in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol my uncle, iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, You plan on stain for dinner?

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, how much? she say fortify.

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=R_mo_z5PTaw]

You know your jamaican if...
You know you are Jamaican if...

1.You can distinguish between "cocoa-tea" "bush-tea" and"green-tea".

2.When someone sympathizes with you, you comment "Yuh tink seh it easy?"

3.You point with your lips.

4.You can't say "three" or "thing" ... you say "tree" and "ting".

5.You say words like Heg (instead of Egg); Hingland (instead of England).

6.You give directions with your hands, even if it is in another state.

7.You go to parties for the food and drink
and then cuss afterwards when the food
and drink run out.

8.You nod your head upwards to greet someone.

9.You always find yourself standing next to plenty of luggage and boxes at the airport.

10.When you travel home, you bring an extra suitcase going down, it has none of your clothes; returning, it has food.

11.You also point to other people picking their nose.

12.You hate to throw away empty containers as they might come in handy for pepper sauce or "green seasonings".

13.You have one big pot you call curry pot when you are not even cooking curry.

14.You have another pot you called dutch pot.

15.You say "boy" at the beginning of a sentence and "man" at the end of it.

16.You always hang something on your
rearview mirror.

17.You put pepper sauce on everything for the taste.

18.You think eating ackee and saltfish, plaintain and fried dumplings is a great morning breakfast.

19.You can't go a week without a rice dish.

20.You think steak is a waste of good meat; you would rather cut it up and stew it with potatoes.

21.You chew and suck out all the marrow from the chicken bone and then pick out your teeth afterwards.

22.You save all juices from the cooked meats/chicken to use for flavour for your next dish.

23.You wash and rinse plastic utensils and cups that can be used again.

24.You bring home food from a party
(enough for your breakfast the next morning, your lunch and your dinner!)

25.You chew the ice when you finish your drinks.

26.You must put dumplings in all soups.

27.You show disapproval by sucking your teeth.

28.You have a dishwasher in the house and only use it for special occasions.

29.At Christmas, you have to have "black
cake".

30.You have a thyme (or mint) bush growing somewhere in your yard

-- Edited by titus at 19:44, 2008-06-17

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"

There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.

Wife: A wha dat?

Husband: A mus one space ship.

Wife: Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!

A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.

Alien Male: Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed? The husbands eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.

Husband: Come een, come een. Of course you can come an res yuhself.

So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.

Male Alien: Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests. Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.

Husband: Well, dats alright with me.

Wife: Oh, I dont know, because I dont really believe in dat kind of ting.

Husband: Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know.

Wife: Well, OK then.

The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasnt 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, would you like a bit more length?

Wife: Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?

So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, would you like a bit more width?

Wife: Width! Well, OK then.

So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter. The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.

Wife: Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?

Husband: Stuups .. No! All night long di damn woman just deh a twis up, twis up mi rass ears dem.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/143781952de69ae2/

TAKE A LISTEN

http://www.zshare.net/audio/14332622178de9ab/

http://www.zshare.net/audio/14332408ccb4ab6a/

-- Edited by pengo at 17:12, 2008-05-30

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f**king fence wasn't electrified."