Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarra**ing Moments in people's lives. The following are the final three place getters:

Third Place

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggyback ride to the phone.

Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".

My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there.

My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarra**ment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.



Second Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.


I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.


To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I Saw you kissing Daddy's Pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.


The last thing that I heard, as the door closed behind me was the screams of laughter.



And the Winner Is....

This one actually happened at Harvard University . In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.


A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.

Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class.


However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,

"It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

As a Jamaican you know you are getting older if:

You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth and her husband on it (instead of a ring binder).

You used to listen to Redifussion.

You wore Bata crepe to school, and bought Asham at the gate.
(Extra credit if you know what Asham was made of)

You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to come on at 7:00 PM on a Sunday.

You know what the initials T. A. D. P. stand for.

You know who Tony Verity was.

You can name more than two of the characters in a Jonkanoo band.

You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held.

You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or slingshots in a store ... you made them yourself.

You know what Fanta and Nu Grape are.

You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are.

You got a washout and worm medicine at the end of summer holidays.

Your school graduation was called 'prize-giving.'

You still call Norman Manley airport 'Palisadoes Airport'.

You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a closet.

You remember when people used to go to the airport, and come back with a twang.

You still want to go to the airport just to stand on the waving gallery.

When you hear classical music on the radio you still ask: 'Is who dead now?'

You still refer to any smooth stretch of road as 'Barber Greene'.

You still use words like 'bine' and 'clyde' and know the difference between both.

IF YOU CAN RELATE TO ALL OF THE ABOVE, THEN YOU PROBABLY HAVE LIMACOL AND BAY RUM (MAYBE EVEN A BOTTLE OF FERROL) ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND, AND VERY POSSIBLY A CHIMMEY UNDER YOUR BED!

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (C****ined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

There were three pastors (an American, Chinese and a Jamaican) of a certain Christian denomination and they were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord.

The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in a box, go outside, take a stick and draw a line on the floor and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine."

The Chinese said, "I put money in box, I dont draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord."

The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw a circle, mi naw draw a line. All I do is put de money inna a box and fling it inna de air ... whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop on de groung a fi mi.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f**king potatoes!"

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responds. The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarra**ed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

look out for this new artist

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=M6WnkSVfVCs]
-- Edited by Gangsta ras at 17:25, 2008-03-18

-- Edited by STAINLESS at 17:36, 2008-03-18

-- Edited by zortec at 16:58, 2008-07-09

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3oHpup-pk]



this guy so slick!

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "Of course they were cleaned Father."
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells -
"Here Soap! Here Water!"

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is

masculine: 'el lapiz.'


A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,

male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer'

should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give
four

reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the

Feminine gender('la computadora'), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;


2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

Incomprehensible to everyone else;


3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and


4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine

('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

Little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs

God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself? Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel? Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

Woman: Excuse me God? God: Yes Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

***POOF*** Man was created.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said f**k him! - he's only an egg!

Little boy blew
Hey! He needed the money!

Mary - Hi! it seems you're not very well today...
Jane - Yes, i have a soar throoat, it seems that i will get ill.
Mary - I know a very good medicine for your throat. Each time i have a sore throat i blow my husbond and the next day i am great.
Jane - hmmmm...ok.

The next day...

Mary - Hi! how are you today?
Jane - I'm fine! your idea was great!
Mary - good!
Jane - your husbond couldnt believe that it was your idea.

http://www.zshare.net/video/54335471da0b91/

---

DIARY OF A JAMAICAN WHO JUST MOVED TO SOUTH DAKOTA , USA

October 8th

We have arrived in America !!! Finally!!! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT
weather? This is perfect ... not too hot, not too cold.

October 15th

It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some
sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving America !!! This is what life's about.

October 30th

The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in... Outside may be cold, but it feels like Jamaica in this house.

November 11th

The news reports say snow is on the way ... we cannot wait!!! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.

November 14th

Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife cooked buttered buns and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground.
Could never do anything like this in Jamaica . IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!

November 15th

We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle.
I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our
driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snow plow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again. Americans are so friendly!


November 18th

It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad ... we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.


November 19th

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my "batty" in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing was broken.
More snow and ice expected.


November 20th

Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to
work.


November 21st

On my way to work, the 4x4 skidded into the guardrail and did
considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white s**t last night.
The vehicle is covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today.
Di damn snowplow man do him job again. Watch me an' him!


November 22nd

Blouse and skirt ... the first heating bill just come! A how the hell
it come to so much???


November 30th

A two frigging degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow de pon de way.
Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage. De power off most of the night. Wi try to keep from freezing to death wid candles and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an' nearly bun dung the
blasted house. Mi manage to put out the flames, but end up wid second degree burns pan mi hands, bun off mi yeyebrow and yeyelash dem. Den de car slide on the white s**t (again!) on the way to the hospital and wi haffi write it off.


December 5th

Rahtid ... dis snow yah nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keeps coming down!
Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out to di damn
mailbox. If I ever catch the b*t*h wey drive di rahtid snowplow yuh see, I gwine mek him mumma feel it. Me really think sey 'im hide round di corner and wait 'til me finish shovel, den come down the street fast fast and cover up wi driveway again. Wicked nuh blow wow!!!


December 10th

The power still off. The toilette freeze up some part a di roof look
lik it out fi cave in.


December 15th

Eleven more Damn inches a snow an' ice!!! Jah know ... dis no right. I wounded the snowplow wid di pick ax, but the driva get weh.


December 16th

The wife took off and left me.


December 18th

The *^#@ car won't start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi caan feel mi toe dem and mi nuh see the sun fi weeks!!! An' guess wha? The weatherman ah predict more snow!!! Good fi box him. The wind chill is 30 rhaatid degrees below zero!!


December 22nd

Me a move back to Jamaica teday 'cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!! If me can ketch a flight, at least mi will reach just in time fi Christmas dung a yard. 'Merica a nuh fi everybody!!!

---

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=BPb0po2jzfg]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
>
>A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
>An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> neither of them wanted to concede their position.
>As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
>the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

A man went to a Costume Party with nothing but a young woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle".

damn ......... this white guy needs check his f**king head . look at dat baby ..
http://www.glumbert.com/media/blackbaby

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 23:58, 2007-10-29

-- Edited by Ill-matic on Sunday 16th of May 2010 06:03:33 PM

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=tumyWihLwaQ]

I SWEAR TO GOD MI WOULDA KILL THESE PPL!