Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were taking over a ship when one of them hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull s**t in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were taking over a ship when one of them hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull s**t in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know whenthe baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.'
LOL
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
A doctor in rural Kentucky wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant Bubba, I am going hunting tomorrow and we
don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
take
care of our patients". Yes, sir!!!" answers Bubba.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,
Bubba how was your day?"
Bubba said he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." Great says the
doctor, "and what about the second one he asks
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says
Bubba.
The doctor replies, "You`re good at this Bubba, and what about the
third
one?"
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters
like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including
her
bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
"And what did you do Bubba?" asks the doctor.
Bubba replied, "I put drops in her eyes."
New Way For Americans to Eat Fastfood! MAAAAAADDD!!!
July 15, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 11 Comments
"Sometimes I don't feel like moving my arms." DWL!!!!
Jamaican Audtion for CIA> >>> >>> >>> >>Jamaican Auditioning for the CIA> >>> >>The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background> >>checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists -> >>> >>An American man, an English man and a Jamaican man. For the final test,> >>the CIA agents took the American to a large metal door and handed him a> >>gun.> >>> >>'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the> >>circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a> >>chair. You have to kill her.'> >>> >>The American said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'> >>> >>The agent replies, 'Then you are not the right man for this job.'> >>> >>The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and> >>went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.> >>> >>Then the English man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried man, but> >>I can't kill my wife.'> >>> >>The agent replies, 'You do not have what it takes. Take your wife and go> >>home.'> >>> >>Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn. He took the gun and went into the> >>room. As soon as the door was closed shots were heard, one shot after> >>another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.> >>> >>After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there> >>stood the Jamaican.> >>> >>He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, 'Oonu nevah tell mi di> >>bloodclaat gun was loaded wid blanks... mi did haffi beat har to death> >>wid di rassclaat chair!
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her
> >>> right away.
> >>> She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
> >>> He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
> >>> along.'
> >>> So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at
> >>> a very nice resort.
> >>> One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
> >>> towel,
> >>> climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed
> >>> by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straigh cut
> >>> the water like a knife.
> >>> After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
> >>> She said, 'That was incredible!'
> >>> He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
> >>> we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
> >>>
> >>> So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
> >>> After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her
> >>> towel and was hardly out of breath.
> >>>
> >>> He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
> >>> 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides
> >>> of
> >>> the Mississippi.'
> >>> right away.
> >>> She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
> >>> He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
> >>> along.'
> >>> So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at
> >>> a very nice resort.
> >>> One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
> >>> towel,
> >>> climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed
> >>> by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straigh cut
> >>> the water like a knife.
> >>> After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
> >>> She said, 'That was incredible!'
> >>> He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
> >>> we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
> >>>
> >>> So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
> >>> After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her
> >>> towel and was hardly out of breath.
> >>>
> >>> He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
> >>> 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides
> >>> of
> >>> the Mississippi.'
An Accountant gets home late one night and his wife says Where in the hell have you been? He replies, I was out getting a tattoo. A tattoo? she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?
I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates, he said proudly.
What the hell were u thinking? she said, shaking her head in disdain. Why, on earth, would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?
Well,
1, I like to watch my money grow;
2, once in awhile, I like to play with my money;
3, I like how money feels in my hand; and..........
And lastly - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!
I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates, he said proudly.
What the hell were u thinking? she said, shaking her head in disdain. Why, on earth, would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?
Well,
1, I like to watch my money grow;
2, once in awhile, I like to play with my money;
3, I like how money feels in my hand; and..........
And lastly - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time, and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down,
and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
University. Take your time, and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down,
and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single.
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said Well, you know what, youre absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied, Cause youre ugly.
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single.
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said Well, you know what, youre absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied, Cause youre ugly.
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
* 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
* 17 times it was too late
* 49 times you were too tired
* 20 times it was too hot
* 15 times you pretended to be sleep
* 22 times you had a headache
* 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
* 16 times you said you were too sore
* 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
* 19 times you had to get up early
* 9 times you said werent in the mood
* 7 times you were sunburned
* 6 times you were watching the late show
* 5 times you didnt want to mess up your new hairdo
* 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
* 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
* 6 times you just laid there
* 8 times you reminded me theres a crack in the ceiling
* 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
* 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
* 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
==================================================
KEEP READING
==================================================
Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didnt get more than you did:
* 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
* 36 times you did not come home at all
* 21 times you didnt come with energy
* 33 times you came too soon
* 19 times you went soft before you got in
* 38 times you worked too late
* 10 times you got cramps in your toes
* 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
* 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
* 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
* 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
* 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
* 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
* 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
* 98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
* The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
* I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?
* The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
* 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
* 17 times it was too late
* 49 times you were too tired
* 20 times it was too hot
* 15 times you pretended to be sleep
* 22 times you had a headache
* 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
* 16 times you said you were too sore
* 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
* 19 times you had to get up early
* 9 times you said werent in the mood
* 7 times you were sunburned
* 6 times you were watching the late show
* 5 times you didnt want to mess up your new hairdo
* 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
* 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
* 6 times you just laid there
* 8 times you reminded me theres a crack in the ceiling
* 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
* 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
* 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
==================================================
KEEP READING
==================================================
Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didnt get more than you did:
* 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
* 36 times you did not come home at all
* 21 times you didnt come with energy
* 33 times you came too soon
* 19 times you went soft before you got in
* 38 times you worked too late
* 10 times you got cramps in your toes
* 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
* 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
* 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
* 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
* 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
* 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
* 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
* 98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
* The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
* I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?
* The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Businessman sends an email to his wife....My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this email, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table ...
My Dear Husband,
I received your e-mail and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are ALSO 54 years old.
At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this email, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table ...
My Dear Husband,
I received your e-mail and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are ALSO 54 years old.
At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow
I JUST CANT HELP IT ANYONE ELES WANT TO DONATE A SONG TO RAGGA
IM SORRY I JUST HAD TO DO IT LOLOL
You took your eyes off the snake, didn't you?
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I didn't want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!
a jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. he calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
the waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. she looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads...
"for me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."
After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads...
"jus su yuh know...me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!"
(sorry couldnt bother to clean up all the symbols 
)
> >A little old lady is walking down the street dragging?
> >two garbage bags with her, one in each hand.?
> >There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a?
> >$50 bill is?
> >flying out of it onto the pavement.?
> >?
> >Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $50?
> >bills?
> >flying out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old?
> >lady....."I'd better?
> >go?
> >back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"?
> >?
> >"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get that?
> >money?"?
> >"Did you steal it?"?
> >?
> >"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs?
> >onto the?
> >parking lot of the baseball field. Each time there's a game, a?
> >lot of fans?
> >come?
> >and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!". "So, I go?
> >and
> >stand?
> >behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time?
> >someone?
> >sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $50 or off?
> >it comes!"?
> >?
> >"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the?
> >way, what's?
> >in the other bag?". "Well", says the lady, "Some guys think I'm?
> >bluffing.?
)
> >A little old lady is walking down the street dragging?
> >two garbage bags with her, one in each hand.?
> >There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a?
> >$50 bill is?
> >flying out of it onto the pavement.?
> >?
> >Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $50?
> >bills?
> >flying out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old?
> >lady....."I'd better?
> >go?
> >back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"?
> >?
> >"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get that?
> >money?"?
> >"Did you steal it?"?
> >?
> >"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs?
> >onto the?
> >parking lot of the baseball field. Each time there's a game, a?
> >lot of fans?
> >come?
> >and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!". "So, I go?
> >and
> >stand?
> >behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time?
> >someone?
> >sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $50 or off?
> >it comes!"?
> >?
> >"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the?
> >way, what's?
> >in the other bag?". "Well", says the lady, "Some guys think I'm?
> >bluffing.?
HARD DISK GIRLS:
She remembers everything, FOREVER
RAM GIRLS:
She forget about you, the moment you turn her off
WINDOWS GIRLS:
Everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without her.
SCREEN SAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access
SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She make horrible things look beautiful
CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL GIRLS:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .
VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as 'wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't uninstall her you will lose everything.. .
Two Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.
They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.
They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"
So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"
The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham bush!"
They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.
They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"
So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"
The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham bush!"
An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.
The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:
Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tiefall kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.
Sunday Gleaner published: Monday | August 6, 2007
**Monday is not a good day to marry.
**If two pregnant women walk or sit together one of their babies will be born dead.
**You are not to plant night jasmine near your house or it will draw the strength from its occupants as will a paw-paw tree. Good trees to plant include mango, avocado pear, ackee, breadfruit, naseberry, sweet sop and soursop, coffee, banana, coconut, orange, grapefruit and lime.
**If you are building a house, be sure to construct the front door to face sunrise and the back door to face sunset, exactly opposite to each other.
**To get rid of an unwanted visitor, you must sprinkle a broom and leave it behind the door.
**It is good luck for first cousins to marry as "cousin, cousin boil good soup." It is however not good luck for second cousins to marry.
**A woman who sits on a table will never marry, and neither will a man who turns down his hat on a table or bed.
**If a person wants to know the depth of love someone feels for him/her, knot a thread a few times and place a flame over it. If the flame passes over the knots the love is strong.
**If you open an umbrella in your house you will not marry.
**May is an unlucky month to marry, and Monday and Saturday are unlucky days on which to be married. If you marry on Monday it is believed the husband and wife will quarrel to their deaths, while if you marry on a Saturday it is believed the husband will die. It is also bad luck to marry on your birthday.
**Wednesday is the luckiest day to get married and the best times on that day are 8:00 a.m., noon and 4:00 p.m.. Sunday at 4:00 p.m. is also a lucky day and time to get married.
**If anything is broken during the wedding reception, the marriage will be an unhappy one.
**If you dream about fire, it means confusion
**If you dream about new shoes,it means you will have a new lover.
**If you dream about ankles, it means your enemies are planning to destroy you.
**If you dream about a wedding, it means there will be a funeral and if you dream about a new house it means there will be a death.
**Pregnant women should never use a needle and thread or the unborn baby will be tied up in the umbilical cord.
**Pregnant women should not walk under a wire. If they do, the baby will be strangled in the umbilical cord. They must step on the cord instead.
**Pregnant women should never look at a dead body or the baby will die.
**If a pregnant woman scratches her body while yearning for something to eat, the baby will be born with a mark at that same spot and it may resemble the food the mother craved.
**Pregnant women should not stare up at a tree or the baby will be born cross-eyed.
**If a pregnant woman climbs over a fence her child will be a thief.
I**f you say that an infant is beautiful, he will grow ugly. Should you say he is ugly, he will grow handsome.
Children before they are able to talk understand the language of animals.
**The navel string must not be allowed to fall on the floor. It must be guarded by the mother and buried in the ground between three days and a year after the birth of the child. A tree is to be planted in that spot, known as the child's navel string tree, and if it is damaged or destroyed the child must be compensated. If the property is sold a new tree must be planted for the child from the sucker of the original tree.
**A baby born with a caul (the inner membrane enclosing a fetus which may be found on the baby's head at birth) will be able to see duppies (spirit of the dead) without being harmed by them.
**A new mother is not to bathe or wash her hair for the first three months after delivery as her pores are believed to be open and she is very susceptible to colds.
**Any cracks or holes in her house are to befilled for the same reason.
**A child born during a leap year will be lucky.
**A baby boy who resembles his mother will be lucky and so will a baby girl who resembles her father.
**White dots on the nails and grey hair on a young person mean good luck.
**Do not turn your hat down on a table or a bed, it will bring bad luck.
I
**f your right eye dances you are going to laugh. If your left eye dances you will hear bad news, or something will happen that makes you cry.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the
computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID
ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten
T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold............
 | |
Guy Who Just Doesn't Get It: Oh, hey! What are you up to?
Hot Chick: Oh, you know, nothing much. I just have two hours to kill until my next class.
GWJDGI: Wow, that's weird. Me too!
HC: I don't know what I'm going to do for all that time...
GWJDGI: Well, good luck finding something. (Walks away whistling)
Girl: I had fun tonight.
GWJDGI: Yeah, me too.
Girl: A lot of fun...
GWJDGI: I wish the night didn't have to end.
Girl: Maybe it doesn't... (Winks)
GWJDGI: Yeah, well, I mean, this is the door to your apartment. How much further could it go? (laughs)
Girl: Um... do... do you wanna come in for coffee?
GWJDGI: Oh, um... well... It's like midnight. If I have coffee now I won't sleep all night.
Girl: Maybe we could find something to do besides sleep. (coy look)
GWJDGI: Probably not. I mean, it's night time. That's when people sleep.
Girl:Oh...I meant...
GWJDGI: Lates! (Walks away whistling)
Girl: Night, sugar.
GWJDGI: That sounds like a metal band. (Screechy metal voice) GRANDMOTHER WHAT WAS IT LIIIIIIIIKE???
Girl: Does it still sound like that if it's whispered breathily into your ear?
GWJDGI: No.
Girl: Good.
GWJDGI: That would probably sound gay. (Walks away whistling)
Hot Chick: Oh, you know, nothing much. I just have two hours to kill until my next class.
GWJDGI: Wow, that's weird. Me too!
HC: I don't know what I'm going to do for all that time...
GWJDGI: Well, good luck finding something. (Walks away whistling)
Girl: I had fun tonight.
GWJDGI: Yeah, me too.
Girl: A lot of fun...
GWJDGI: I wish the night didn't have to end.
Girl: Maybe it doesn't... (Winks)
GWJDGI: Yeah, well, I mean, this is the door to your apartment. How much further could it go? (laughs)
Girl: Um... do... do you wanna come in for coffee?
GWJDGI: Oh, um... well... It's like midnight. If I have coffee now I won't sleep all night.
Girl: Maybe we could find something to do besides sleep. (coy look)
GWJDGI: Probably not. I mean, it's night time. That's when people sleep.
Girl:Oh...I meant...
GWJDGI: Lates! (Walks away whistling)
Girl: Night, sugar.
GWJDGI: That sounds like a metal band. (Screechy metal voice) GRANDMOTHER WHAT WAS IT LIIIIIIIIKE???
Girl: Does it still sound like that if it's whispered breathily into your ear?
GWJDGI: No.
Girl: Good.
GWJDGI: That would probably sound gay. (Walks away whistling)
A car was involved in an accident in a street.As expected a large
> >crowd gathered.An SABC reporter, Robert Dlamini, anxious to get his story
> >could not get near the car.Being a clever sort, he started shouting
> >loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
> >The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
> >crowd gathered.An SABC reporter, Robert Dlamini, anxious to get his story
> >could not get near the car.Being a clever sort, he started shouting
> >loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
> >The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Walkman
*******************************************************************************
Hot water system
Hot water system
***************************************************************************************
Transportation 1 Toyota Co(w)rolla
Transportation 2 pick-up truck !!! (Australian 'ute' !!!)
****************************************************************************************
Ambulance
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I just love Africa , simple and not complicated.
We are just who we are.
No stress.
I am proud to be African.
This vehicle was seen near Makerere , Zimbabwe
This was photographed in Buru Buru, Nairobi . Kenya ...
These guys must have smoked weed!
Look at the goat.
Human ingenuity?
Painting the swimming pool.
Must be Zimbabwe ???
Listen English is only a 2nd language !!!
You've got to make allowances.
'Nuff said !!!
'Nuff said !!!
A Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.
Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:
Lady: Mawning offica
Officer: Mawning Maam
Lady: I'm here to report an accident
Officer: Go ahead Maam
Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.
Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.
Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.
Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:
Lady: Mawning offica
Officer: Mawning Maam
Lady: I'm here to report an accident
Officer: Go ahead Maam
Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.
Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.
Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part...........
'Only when he's been drinking.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part...........
'Only when he's been drinking.'
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were taking over a ship when one of them hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull s**t in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were taking over a ship when one of them hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull s**t in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, Well, once I fondled and stroked one. St. Peter says, Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, Reeva, What seems to be the rush? The girl replies, If Im going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, Well, once I fondled and stroked one. St. Peter says, Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, Reeva, What seems to be the rush? The girl replies, If Im going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
A Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!__
Hoping 2007 will be better!!
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!__
Hoping 2007 will be better!!
Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks.
The first vampire asks for blood.
The second vampire asks for blood.
The third vampire asks for some hot water.
The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?"
"Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea."
The first vampire asks for blood.
The second vampire asks for blood.
The third vampire asks for some hot water.
The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?"
"Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea."
ok this is old joke for me you might find it funny
two tourists were going through a deep forest,they got accidently cought by the jungle tribe,they were brought to the chief.the chief said,"you have broken the jungle rules now you must be punished for this sin.i will let you choose your punishment.tell me what do you want HUGULUGA or CHUGULUGA.the guys asked hey could you explain what these words mean.the chief said ,"HUGULUGA means being raped by our biggest jungle wrestler of our tribe and CHUGULUGA means .....death".the first guy thought ,anything like this is better than death the first guy said i will take the HUGULUGA.then chief called the wrestler, man he was big ,the guy was screaming hell while the punishment,after all that the tribe let him run away,now it was the second guy's turn he was so passionate to himself he shouted with pride,this is unacceptable,i will take a death with dignity so i will choose CHUGULUGA,the chief shouted "CHUGULUGA"and at the next moment two wrestlers came out from no where and started towards the second guy.the second guy shouted,"chief what r u doing ".the chief replied oops i forgot to tell you u CHUGULUGA means HUGULUGA till death.
two tourists were going through a deep forest,they got accidently cought by the jungle tribe,they were brought to the chief.the chief said,"you have broken the jungle rules now you must be punished for this sin.i will let you choose your punishment.tell me what do you want HUGULUGA or CHUGULUGA.the guys asked hey could you explain what these words mean.the chief said ,"HUGULUGA means being raped by our biggest jungle wrestler of our tribe and CHUGULUGA means .....death".the first guy thought ,anything like this is better than death the first guy said i will take the HUGULUGA.then chief called the wrestler, man he was big ,the guy was screaming hell while the punishment,after all that the tribe let him run away,now it was the second guy's turn he was so passionate to himself he shouted with pride,this is unacceptable,i will take a death with dignity so i will choose CHUGULUGA,the chief shouted "CHUGULUGA"and at the next moment two wrestlers came out from no where and started towards the second guy.the second guy shouted,"chief what r u doing ".the chief replied oops i forgot to tell you u CHUGULUGA means HUGULUGA till death.
Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."
"What?" his father replied.
"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"
There's a Rastaman, a white man and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other on a train, with the girl being in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap!
As the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman looks perplexed while the Rastaman is sitting there looking angrily at the white man who is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
Everybody else in the coach is laughing at him.
The white man is thinking to himself, "Damn it, that black guy must have tried to kiss the girl in the dark and she thought it was me and slapped me." The girl is thinking, "That man must have tried to take advantage of me in the dark, and kissed the Rastaman instead and got slapped. Serves him right."
Meanwhile, the Rastaman is thinking, "I-man hope dis train go though another tunnel soon so I-man can kiss the back of mi hand again and box dat blo*o*dclaat white bwoy one more time.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap!
As the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman looks perplexed while the Rastaman is sitting there looking angrily at the white man who is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
Everybody else in the coach is laughing at him.
The white man is thinking to himself, "Damn it, that black guy must have tried to kiss the girl in the dark and she thought it was me and slapped me." The girl is thinking, "That man must have tried to take advantage of me in the dark, and kissed the Rastaman instead and got slapped. Serves him right."
Meanwhile, the Rastaman is thinking, "I-man hope dis train go though another tunnel soon so I-man can kiss the back of mi hand again and box dat blo*o*dclaat white bwoy one more time.
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor
[youtube=http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=9JJ9PJp70kM]
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Just an E-mail Note.........dont make this mistake u'll kill ppl.......lol..((JaydsTbalist))
July 9, 2008
Started By JaydsTbalist — 11 Comments
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
-- Edited by JaydsTbalist at 04:50, 2008-07-09
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
-- Edited by JaydsTbalist at 04:50, 2008-07-09
One day, during lessons on proper gram mar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'B eautiful, just f***ing beautiful!''
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'B eautiful, just f***ing beautiful!''
Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE Mark ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have
discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!
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ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C
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discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!
VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!) 3% Vitamin E 2% aspirin 2%
ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C
...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!
-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 09:32, 2008-07-10
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place.
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
A Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.
Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:
Lady: Mawning offica
Officer: Mawning Maam
Lady: I'm here to report an accident
Officer: Go ahead Maam
Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.
Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.
Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.
Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:
Lady: Mawning offica
Officer: Mawning Maam
Lady: I'm here to report an accident
Officer: Go ahead Maam
Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.
Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.
Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.
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