Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
Boss asks employee: "Do you believe that there is Life after Death?"
employee: "Certainly not, there's absolutely, positively,no proof of it," he replied.
Boss: "Well, there is now!! After you left early yesterday to go to your
ex-boyfriend's funeral, he came here looking for you."
employee: "Certainly not, there's absolutely, positively,no proof of it," he replied.
Boss: "Well, there is now!! After you left early yesterday to go to your
ex-boyfriend's funeral, he came here looking for you."
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back.''
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back.''
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "f**k him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
This one is worth the effort. Have a laugh.
Little James was at school one morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out. Fireman, policeman, salesman, company CEO, etc, but James was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
Said James, "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Little James aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said James, "He plays cricket for the West Indies, but I was just too embarra**ed to tell the truth!!!"
Little James was at school one morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out. Fireman, policeman, salesman, company CEO, etc, but James was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
Said James, "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Little James aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said James, "He plays cricket for the West Indies, but I was just too embarra**ed to tell the truth!!!"
Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
him. He asked if they
wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
after they went home
and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
went to see him. He
asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
long. The man
laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
more than one. Once at
home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
he gulped them
down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
friend. Asking for some
liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In
disbelief, his friend asked
if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie
replied "No,I need it for
my arms the women never showed up!"
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed ."
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the c****ustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When Women have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS-terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When Women have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS-terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental health wing, a visitor asked the Director,
'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.'
During a visit to the mental health wing, a visitor asked the Director,
'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director,.... 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
Every morning John would drive down Long Lane. And almost every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $20.
After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.
After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.
He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now this?
John replied, "Bwoy, times have been hard; my eldest boy just started University and my daughter is now at High School ... so you know how it goes ..."
The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how many children do you have boss?"
"Four" replied John.
The now irate Beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So you mean to tell me that is out of my money yuh sending yuh children to school?"
After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.
After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.
He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now this?
John replied, "Bwoy, times have been hard; my eldest boy just started University and my daughter is now at High School ... so you know how it goes ..."
The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how many children do you have boss?"
"Four" replied John.
The now irate Beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So you mean to tell me that is out of my money yuh sending yuh children to school?"
Dis yout nuh gud again....(Neva Clean again)
July 27, 2008
Started By J-goose productions — 16 Comments
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
How Did She Make That Catch (Shi Nuh Namal!!!!!!!)...REPOSTED
July 27, 2008
Started By J-goose productions — 17 Comments
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'
Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=8qyekiKbC9Y]
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Genius!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Genius!
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
While he was masturbating, Crosshair Appearance had a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell (he is one hell of a sexist), where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil.
'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide the place you'll take.'
Crosshair Appearance thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' Crosshair AppearanceJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that; all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented Crosshair Appearance.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Crosshair Appearance saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Crosshair Appearance looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . .
Pelican Eats Pigeon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PO5ifLzLYiU
OMFG!!!
-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 14:10, 2008-07-29
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PO5ifLzLYiU
OMFG!!!
-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 14:10, 2008-07-29
Two couples had gone away for the week-end. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.....
The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.Clever enough!
After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the nutella
The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.Clever enough!
After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the nutella
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
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quit your jibba jabba!!!!!!!!!
A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He
saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.
'Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?'
Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, 'A bird.'
The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up,
he was in the Portland hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked
him what happened.
The Rasta said, 'Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis
likkle gal asked me a question, den I man.... guess I man mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I man deh ya.'
The police went t o the beach, found the little girl, and asked her
'What did you do to that naked Rasta?'
After a pause, the girl replied,
'me neva do nutten to him? Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird
an it spit pon me.
So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire
1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".
1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.
-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNZ at 10:09, 2008-07-28
1. A Serial Killer's Fingernails
2.A Person's Soul
3.A Liver
4.Haunted Rubber Ducky
5.Jesus Toast
6.Justin Timberlake's French Toast
7.Rights to Name a Woman's Baby
8.Ghost Cane
9.Imaginary Friend
10.Ghost Cane
A boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
In honor of the Year of the Dog. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes - you must read this out loud!!! 1) That's not right .......................................... Sum Ting Wong Hia 2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............................... Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP...................................................... Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man ... .................................................Wai Yu Dum f*k 5) Small Horse .......................................................... Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach? ............................... Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped into a coffee table ................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni 8) I think you need a face lift ....................Mei Tin Yu Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here ......................................... Wai So Dim Hia 10) I thought you were on a diet .................. Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone .................... No Pah King Hia 12) Meeting Scheduled Next Week ......... Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight .....................................Yu Lei Ying Lo Nao 14) He's cleaning his automobile ............................... Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive ............................. Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great ............................................................... Fa Kin Su Pah 17) Are You Joking? ........... Hu Yu Tin Yu Ki Ding 18) Impossible .............. Nao Fa Kin Wei
19) Are you Still Here?............Wai Yu Nao Tai Ka Wok
20) Please Have One ..........Yu Tai Kwon Nao
21) Is That So! ..............Yu Shi Ting Mei
22) You Are Mistaken! ......... Yu Sai Sum Tin Wong
23) I don't know ..................................f*k yu yus own an sas
24) I am angry....................................yu bet tah run
Bank Teller A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a f**king checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the f**k not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a f**king checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a f**king checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, f**king, bitch is giving you a hard time?"
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE
PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT
DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,
BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE
HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY
DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S
YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD
GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO
THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY...
WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS
OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...
ON THE COUCH...
NAKED
MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE
PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT
DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,
BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE
HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY
DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S
YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD
GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO
THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY...
WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS
OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...
ON THE COUCH...
NAKED
https://s124.photobucket.com/albums/p29/klegovic/videos/?action=view¤t=Ad.flv
-- Edited by dj slr at 07:49, 2008-07-26
LEAN WITH IT ROCK WITH IT...(Cat Killing it!!!)
July 27, 2008
Started By J-goose productions — 1 Comments
Dem russian Naggaz Yah Nuh Namal...(can see seh him f**k up....funny)
July 27, 2008
Started By J-goose productions — 9 Comments
-- Edited by DJ JeRmIrE at 14:26, 2008-07-27
TAP ON THE SHOULDER "duppy know who fi frighten"
July 28, 2008
Started By Kraiggi "BaDRasTa" — 1 Comments
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is
my first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
BADRASTA 2 DI f*kCIN WURL!!!!
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is
my first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
BADRASTA 2 DI f*kCIN WURL!!!!
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists:
An American man,
An English man and...
A Jamaican man.
For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.'
The American said 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife' The Agent replies,' Then you're
not the right man for this job.'
The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. Then the English man came out with tears in his eyes 'I tried blokes, but I can't
kill my wife,' The Agent replies, 'You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn, he took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said
'Unnuh neva tell mi di blo*o*dclaat gun was loaded wid blanks!!', ' A beat mi haffi beat har p*u**yyclaat to death
wid di ra** chair!!'
Tub full so him try di toilet!!
wet cement
Great deal!
hmmmm
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