Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
OFFICIAL STATEMENT:In a joint statement issued by the presidents of the World Anti-Doping Agency, International Olympic Committee (IOC), and the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF), the following foods have been placed on the list of banned substances issued by WADA:
yam, greenbananas, cocoa, dasheen, breadfruit, ackee and saltfish, mackeral run down, turned
cornmeal, Jerked pork and chicken, escovietched fish Malta, Supligen, Milo (said to be the
food drink of Champions), Horlicks and coconut oil. Jamaicans seem to become extremely
athletic on diets with these foods. Coming out of WADA labs, one of the major banned
substances from Jamaica is the Cassava root, a high fibre, high starch tuber root eaten in
Jamaica. It has properties which are said to enhance endurance and cause muscle fibres to twitch
faster. This comes after extensive study of the diets of the Jamaican athletes which took part in
the Beijing 2008 Olympic games. Though natural foods it is felt by WADA that these foods
because of their unique properties give Jamaican athletes an unfair advantage. High
concentrations of carbohydrates and other naturally occurring substances are said to be
mimicking the effects of Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs). Some foods have been noted to
in particular cause an unusual increase in the male hormone testosterone. As such WADA has
seen it fit to add these foods to the list of banned substances. Given the sensitivity of this issue,
Jamaican athletes participating in the current Olympic games underway in Beijing have not been
banned but must submit to these new restrictions within the next two years. Two substances
which have been discovered in testing of the Jamaican foods are yamstenine , a yam derivative
and cocosterone , a derivative of the coco plant. These substances have been found to mimic
nandrolone and the *lo** booster EPO, hence the preliminary banning of the substances
themselves and the banning of the foods they derive from.
This ruling will also affect other Caribbean and some African countries which share similar diets
as Jamaicans.
-- Edited by ROCKYJ at 13:45, 2008-08-21
-- Edited by ROCKYJ at 13:49, 2008-08-21
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd4ANWMiaZg&NR=1
Express disgust by '*u*king' or 'kissing' their teeth
Point with their mouth
"Cut yeye" when upset with someone
Wear a "frock", not a dress
Refer to fancy shoes as 'boot'
Stir the ice in their drinks to make it colder
Take the ice in their mouth and spit it back into the glass while drinking
Eat the ice loudly when the 'drinks' is finished
Refer to vegetables, yams, green bananas, etc as 'hard food' or just 'food'
Strip sugar cane with their teeth
Refer to any traveling distance as "jus' roun' di car-nah!"
Have a lamp with a 'home sweet home' lampshade somewhere in the house
Never throw away any leftover food, no matter how small the portion
Pronounce the name 'Smith' as 'Simit'
Derive words of wisdom from 'Miss Lou'
Use words twice for emphasis (e.g. fool-fool, pyah-pyah, fenke-fenke, so-so, big-big)
Refer to 'horse-dead-cow-fat' with regard to a story
Can't enjoy Sunday dinner without rice & peas
Differentiate between 'spinners' and 'cartwheel' dumplings
Call all cute female children 'pretty lickle girl chile!'
Call all rude female children 'facety lickle gal pickney!'
Refer to anything of a sexual nature as 'slackness'
Go to the bathroom to 'Tidy'
Refer to their sweetheart as "p*u**y" or "boopsey"
Suitcase smells like a c****ination of roast breadfruit, ackee, fish and white rum
Are male, and their first name ends in 'roy' (e.g. Glenroy, Leroy,Fitzroy, Ezroy, Delroy, Troy, Gilroy) or 'ton' (e.g. Linton, Clinton, Ralston, Welton, Everton, Barrington)
Are female, and their 'pet name' is Petal, Sis, Cutie, Rose or Lily
Nickname is Bunny, Reds, Junior, Frenchie or Doc
Have the name Oliver, Clement or Oswald but everyone calls him Tony
Meet half brothers/sisters for the first time in their teens
Have Dettol, Milo, or Bay Rum in their cupboard
Use Overproof Rum as rubbing alcohol
Refer to all Asian persons as "Missa or Miss Chin"
Point with their mouth
"Cut yeye" when upset with someone
Wear a "frock", not a dress
Refer to fancy shoes as 'boot'
Stir the ice in their drinks to make it colder
Take the ice in their mouth and spit it back into the glass while drinking
Eat the ice loudly when the 'drinks' is finished
Refer to vegetables, yams, green bananas, etc as 'hard food' or just 'food'
Strip sugar cane with their teeth
Refer to any traveling distance as "jus' roun' di car-nah!"
Have a lamp with a 'home sweet home' lampshade somewhere in the house
Never throw away any leftover food, no matter how small the portion
Pronounce the name 'Smith' as 'Simit'
Derive words of wisdom from 'Miss Lou'
Use words twice for emphasis (e.g. fool-fool, pyah-pyah, fenke-fenke, so-so, big-big)
Refer to 'horse-dead-cow-fat' with regard to a story
Can't enjoy Sunday dinner without rice & peas
Differentiate between 'spinners' and 'cartwheel' dumplings
Call all cute female children 'pretty lickle girl chile!'
Call all rude female children 'facety lickle gal pickney!'
Refer to anything of a sexual nature as 'slackness'
Go to the bathroom to 'Tidy'
Refer to their sweetheart as "p*u**y" or "boopsey"
Suitcase smells like a c****ination of roast breadfruit, ackee, fish and white rum
Are male, and their first name ends in 'roy' (e.g. Glenroy, Leroy,Fitzroy, Ezroy, Delroy, Troy, Gilroy) or 'ton' (e.g. Linton, Clinton, Ralston, Welton, Everton, Barrington)
Are female, and their 'pet name' is Petal, Sis, Cutie, Rose or Lily
Nickname is Bunny, Reds, Junior, Frenchie or Doc
Have the name Oliver, Clement or Oswald but everyone calls him Tony
Meet half brothers/sisters for the first time in their teens
Have Dettol, Milo, or Bay Rum in their cupboard
Use Overproof Rum as rubbing alcohol
Refer to all Asian persons as "Missa or Miss Chin"
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
=====================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
=====================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.
In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.
poor pooch!
REAL SELECTAS ROPE ENN...NO CD OR LAPTOP "SELECTA"
August 17, 2008
Started By gangstaras585 — 4 Comments
UNNO REMEMBER BACK INNA DI DAYS WHEN YUH DID HAVE YUH CRATE FULL A LP AND 45 WITH COLOR CORDINATED SLEEVES?
ME REMEMBER GO A DANCE INNA NEW YORK WHEN ME WAS A LIKKLE YUTE WATCHING ADDIES A JUGGLE WIT DEM COLOR CORDINATED 45 AND LP BOX.
DAYS WHEN ME USE TO PLAY SOUND ME REMEMBA WHEN ME AND ME SOUND CREW DID HAFFI BORROW NEXT SOUND MAN SET/NEEDLE FROM DEM WHEN WE GO A DANCE FI GO PLAY. WE DID HAFFI TEK HEED WHEN WE DID A PLAY CAH IF WE DID f**k UP DI EQUIPMENT, WE WOULDA GET INNA SOME REAL TROUBLE OR WE DID HAFFI PAY UP
NOW TODAY DI SOUND BUSINESS f**k UP. ONE BAG A SERATO AND VIRTUAL DJ A COME UP AND A CALL DEM SELF A DJ WHEN DEM A MIX LIKE OIL AND WATA.
BUT ANYWAY..DO YOU REMEMBER BUYING YOUR FIRST LP or 45?
MY FIRST LP I BOUGHT WAS MAD COBRA GOLDMINE
ME HAVE BOUT 100 MAD COBRA LP INNA MI VINYL BOX WEH SOME PEOPLE NUH EVEN REALIZE MAD COBRA HAVE OUT
ME REMEMBER GO A DANCE INNA NEW YORK WHEN ME WAS A LIKKLE YUTE WATCHING ADDIES A JUGGLE WIT DEM COLOR CORDINATED 45 AND LP BOX.
DAYS WHEN ME USE TO PLAY SOUND ME REMEMBA WHEN ME AND ME SOUND CREW DID HAFFI BORROW NEXT SOUND MAN SET/NEEDLE FROM DEM WHEN WE GO A DANCE FI GO PLAY. WE DID HAFFI TEK HEED WHEN WE DID A PLAY CAH IF WE DID f**k UP DI EQUIPMENT, WE WOULDA GET INNA SOME REAL TROUBLE OR WE DID HAFFI PAY UP
NOW TODAY DI SOUND BUSINESS f**k UP. ONE BAG A SERATO AND VIRTUAL DJ A COME UP AND A CALL DEM SELF A DJ WHEN DEM A MIX LIKE OIL AND WATA.
BUT ANYWAY..DO YOU REMEMBER BUYING YOUR FIRST LP or 45?
MY FIRST LP I BOUGHT WAS MAD COBRA GOLDMINE
ME HAVE BOUT 100 MAD COBRA LP INNA MI VINYL BOX WEH SOME PEOPLE NUH EVEN REALIZE MAD COBRA HAVE OUT
These are 6 honesttruths that you probably didn't know...
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie..
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will diss this idiot
.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
Sorry about this,....
BUT, I needed company...
|
3. The first truth is a lie..
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will diss this idiot
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
Sorry about this,....
BUT, I needed company...
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs," still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that!! He asked. "oops! I'm sorry! Let's try again," she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!'
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs," still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that!! He asked. "oops! I'm sorry! Let's try again," she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!'
A boy and his father from rural Jamaica were visting America for the first time.
The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Ah whaddat, daddy?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh Madda!"
The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Ah whaddat, daddy?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh Madda!"
BREAKING NEWS: Usain Bolt Refuses Olympic Gold And World Record
August 17, 2008
Started By ROCKYJ — 49 Comments
BREAKING NEWS: Usain Bolt Refuses Olympic Gold And World Record
Living Guyana has just learnt from Beijing that officials are in a quandary after record shattering Olympic 100m champion Jamaican Usain Bolt informed them that he will not accept the gold medal for the event as he is unhappy with the world record as it currently stands.
Bolt is claiming that the world record ought to be 9.68 (which is what the clock showed immediately after the race was complete but this was later adjusted to 9.69).
Said Bolt, "Me is a Juh-may-kan boss and Jamaican nah inna de 69 bizniss suh meh we tek eidda de 9.68 or unno could mek de record stay at 9.72."
Bolt is insistent that he will not attend the 100m Olympic medal ceremony if action is not quickly taken.
Bolt is reported to have told his team mates, "dem musse mad if dem tink me we go back a yawd wid 9.69, bad man don't eat unda no two foot table, bad man ah bad man, dem too facety, fuss dem put me to run wid a man name Gay and now dem want tarnish badman image by branding me wid 69, me nah inna dat."
{LOL MEDIAZONE THE ABOVE IS JUST A JOKE}
-- Edited by ROCKYJ at 15:33, 2008-08-17
-- Edited by ROCKYJ at 15:34, 2008-08-17
Living Guyana has just learnt from Beijing that officials are in a quandary after record shattering Olympic 100m champion Jamaican Usain Bolt informed them that he will not accept the gold medal for the event as he is unhappy with the world record as it currently stands.
Bolt is claiming that the world record ought to be 9.68 (which is what the clock showed immediately after the race was complete but this was later adjusted to 9.69).
Said Bolt, "Me is a Juh-may-kan boss and Jamaican nah inna de 69 bizniss suh meh we tek eidda de 9.68 or unno could mek de record stay at 9.72."
Bolt is insistent that he will not attend the 100m Olympic medal ceremony if action is not quickly taken.
Bolt is reported to have told his team mates, "dem musse mad if dem tink me we go back a yawd wid 9.69, bad man don't eat unda no two foot table, bad man ah bad man, dem too facety, fuss dem put me to run wid a man name Gay and now dem want tarnish badman image by branding me wid 69, me nah inna dat."
{LOL MEDIAZONE THE ABOVE IS JUST A JOKE}
-- Edited by ROCKYJ at 15:33, 2008-08-17
-- Edited by ROCKYJ at 15:34, 2008-08-17
THIS JOKE IS ACTUALLY A TRUE STORY
Like a certain song we like says: I got a call to-day-a-aya-aya...
Yep, that's what I got.
I was walking the mall a few hours ago, stressing mi nerves because a certain batta foot seamstress, flop mi program, when I got a call from a good friend out there in Massachusetts. For the sake of the mad ooman's privacy, follow mi and call har Sharon. Yeah...Sharon sound good. Typical Jamaican name. Before mi get down inna Sharon labrish, let me mention that she was told by me that I would write bout this little episode on the site. She actually loved the idea, and claim say she want feedback.
Where was I? Oh yes...still at the mall being ticked, as I am probably the only female in the universe that hate to shop. I was hungry, uncomfortable, and fatiqued...until mi phone ring. That in itself was strange, as I never get service in that mall, unless mi stan up inna a certain spot upstairs inna Macys, between DKNY and Tommy.
Mi wicked don't??? I am prolonging this suh unno can wait fi the juice. Unno too fass man!!
Anyway...I answered the phone to hear what this crazy woman wanted. Before mi coulda even say hello...all I heard was this screaming, hollering, and what sounded like pots, pans etc...I said 'hello', kinda coward like, because by now mi a wonda if a earthquake deh a Massachusetts and mi neva hear bout it. Anyway...about a furlong length of expletives could be heard coming out of Sharon's mouth...then, a door slam...then silence.
By now me squeeze pon the bench next to the white lady inna the mall and hold a seat...this one was going to be good. And long...
Lord...a who tick off Sharon now?
Suddenly, mi out a breath friend scream inna the phone...Shilo, a goin kill Tony not fi him real name either r***!!!
She was blabbering, swearing and screaming on the top of her lungs. I let her screech...then when she was gasping for air, I said...You goin to tell mi what a gwaan, or yu want fi wait till yu calm down?...What got me was...how she find time fi dial my number while har man a run out the door with half of the wares and the utensils from the kitchen after im head back...
The conversation between me and mi mad fren became so...so...mi can't find a word...till the woman next to me pon the bench, scrape up har belongings and go cross the way to the next bench. She jus did fi move...too damn fass to.
Story Come To Bump!!!
Sharon and Tony moved from Florida about a year after I did to go live in Massachusetts. While in Florida, Tony was messing around with this girl name Lila alias again that lived right there in Plantation. Sharon didn't like Lila the liar, because she was a home wrecker. I often told Sharon that Lila didn't owe her anything. Stop blaming Lila for the problems in your relationship, and talk to Tony. Tony is the man you live with...Lila is on the outside...who knows what Tony has been telling this other woman. Sharon wouldn't listen, and buss poor Lying Lila backside pon the regular, then Tony would come home and buss hers in Lila's defense. What a piece a almshouse!!!
They eventually moved to MA, after Sharon had their third baby, and decided she was leaving him for good.
She left with the kids...Tony followed.
So did Lila...last month!!!
What a passa passa...
Sharon just find out. How?
Tony fessed up...nope...not voluntarily. Im tell har inna the laundry room after the baby picture fall out of im shirt pocket. To daddy...Love...Tony Jr. (not the baby real name, mi nuh that wicked) two months old!!!
Sharon had called Tony's cell after finding out about the son he always wanted and told him...come home NOW!!!
Emergency with one of their (3) daughters. Of course, Tony, being the wonderful dad he is, run every red light inna Springfield to get to his family. When confronted, he admitted to loving Lila, loving Sharon, loving his (4) children, and moving Lila (while still pregnant to come live 'roun the road). Sharon of course, lost her mind and start to rant and rave round the house.
After an hour of the milee, she dialed my number to complain to me, and Tony, being ticked off that he can't have his cake happily and eat it too, yelled to Sharon...mi gone to mi son, call mi when yu calm down. Lord have mercy...a who tell him fi say that. Every pot, pan, knife, and plate fly after Tony. Only the dustpan ketch im.
What a drama!!!
Now, I had to shop and council mi poor heart broken friend at the same time. I didn't even know what to say. All mi know is I never liked that boy. Im head back too long. But so is his pocket. Sharon and Lila, and countless others that neither of them know about love the depth of his pocket. He gives them all their little hearts desire, so they put up with all sort a crap.
I am supposed to be writing this so when Sharon read it, she can get an idea of what to do...or what should have been done. I however, don't want to give any advice. I am too close to the situation. I can't get into it. All I can do is listen.
I will say however...beating up another woman is not going to let a man stay with you.
If he is going to move another woman all the way cross bout five state lines...he obviously cares a lot for this person. If a man is going to beat on you because you beat on his other woman...hummm...maybe you the other woman, not her. Sharon gal...I will leave this one alone...
I told you I would.
If I get any emails regarding your plight, I will forward them to you. I do feel your pain, but I think you need to just call it a day and look out for you and yours.
Tony is...not to mention Lila!!!
People...what do y'all think???
Sharon is waiting...
Like a certain song we like says: I got a call to-day-a-aya-aya...
Yep, that's what I got.
I was walking the mall a few hours ago, stressing mi nerves because a certain batta foot seamstress, flop mi program, when I got a call from a good friend out there in Massachusetts. For the sake of the mad ooman's privacy, follow mi and call har Sharon. Yeah...Sharon sound good. Typical Jamaican name. Before mi get down inna Sharon labrish, let me mention that she was told by me that I would write bout this little episode on the site. She actually loved the idea, and claim say she want feedback.
Where was I? Oh yes...still at the mall being ticked, as I am probably the only female in the universe that hate to shop. I was hungry, uncomfortable, and fatiqued...until mi phone ring. That in itself was strange, as I never get service in that mall, unless mi stan up inna a certain spot upstairs inna Macys, between DKNY and Tommy.
Mi wicked don't??? I am prolonging this suh unno can wait fi the juice. Unno too fass man!!
Anyway...I answered the phone to hear what this crazy woman wanted. Before mi coulda even say hello...all I heard was this screaming, hollering, and what sounded like pots, pans etc...I said 'hello', kinda coward like, because by now mi a wonda if a earthquake deh a Massachusetts and mi neva hear bout it. Anyway...about a furlong length of expletives could be heard coming out of Sharon's mouth...then, a door slam...then silence.
By now me squeeze pon the bench next to the white lady inna the mall and hold a seat...this one was going to be good. And long...
Lord...a who tick off Sharon now?
Suddenly, mi out a breath friend scream inna the phone...Shilo, a goin kill Tony not fi him real name either r***!!!
She was blabbering, swearing and screaming on the top of her lungs. I let her screech...then when she was gasping for air, I said...You goin to tell mi what a gwaan, or yu want fi wait till yu calm down?...What got me was...how she find time fi dial my number while har man a run out the door with half of the wares and the utensils from the kitchen after im head back...
The conversation between me and mi mad fren became so...so...mi can't find a word...till the woman next to me pon the bench, scrape up har belongings and go cross the way to the next bench. She jus did fi move...too damn fass to.
Story Come To Bump!!!
Sharon and Tony moved from Florida about a year after I did to go live in Massachusetts. While in Florida, Tony was messing around with this girl name Lila alias again that lived right there in Plantation. Sharon didn't like Lila the liar, because she was a home wrecker. I often told Sharon that Lila didn't owe her anything. Stop blaming Lila for the problems in your relationship, and talk to Tony. Tony is the man you live with...Lila is on the outside...who knows what Tony has been telling this other woman. Sharon wouldn't listen, and buss poor Lying Lila backside pon the regular, then Tony would come home and buss hers in Lila's defense. What a piece a almshouse!!!
They eventually moved to MA, after Sharon had their third baby, and decided she was leaving him for good.
She left with the kids...Tony followed.
So did Lila...last month!!!
What a passa passa...
Sharon just find out. How?
Tony fessed up...nope...not voluntarily. Im tell har inna the laundry room after the baby picture fall out of im shirt pocket. To daddy...Love...Tony Jr. (not the baby real name, mi nuh that wicked) two months old!!!
Sharon had called Tony's cell after finding out about the son he always wanted and told him...come home NOW!!!
Emergency with one of their (3) daughters. Of course, Tony, being the wonderful dad he is, run every red light inna Springfield to get to his family. When confronted, he admitted to loving Lila, loving Sharon, loving his (4) children, and moving Lila (while still pregnant to come live 'roun the road). Sharon of course, lost her mind and start to rant and rave round the house.
After an hour of the milee, she dialed my number to complain to me, and Tony, being ticked off that he can't have his cake happily and eat it too, yelled to Sharon...mi gone to mi son, call mi when yu calm down. Lord have mercy...a who tell him fi say that. Every pot, pan, knife, and plate fly after Tony. Only the dustpan ketch im.
What a drama!!!
Now, I had to shop and council mi poor heart broken friend at the same time. I didn't even know what to say. All mi know is I never liked that boy. Im head back too long. But so is his pocket. Sharon and Lila, and countless others that neither of them know about love the depth of his pocket. He gives them all their little hearts desire, so they put up with all sort a crap.
I am supposed to be writing this so when Sharon read it, she can get an idea of what to do...or what should have been done. I however, don't want to give any advice. I am too close to the situation. I can't get into it. All I can do is listen.
I will say however...beating up another woman is not going to let a man stay with you.
If he is going to move another woman all the way cross bout five state lines...he obviously cares a lot for this person. If a man is going to beat on you because you beat on his other woman...hummm...maybe you the other woman, not her. Sharon gal...I will leave this one alone...
I told you I would.
If I get any emails regarding your plight, I will forward them to you. I do feel your pain, but I think you need to just call it a day and look out for you and yours.
Tony is...not to mention Lila!!!
People...what do y'all think???
Sharon is waiting...
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=IQaC8gjnOYE]
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 01:31, 2008-04-28
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 01:31, 2008-04-28
If you don't believe that this is really check this.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080312093451AA0XK8B
Drunk man brought in by the police.......This mad crazy!!!!...LMAO...pree
July 31, 2008
Started By gullygallis — 16 Comments
yow mi people dis funny kno hell
Greatest Comeback Line of the Year!
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian military general.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent.
Men say = Men really mean.
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.
Mr. Santa Claus (Mi tyaad a socks and draws)
July 7, 2008
Started By Kareem AkA DJ FRESH — 9 Comments
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=KrHEJiAXBWg]
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down
And engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them
Ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
Of them say the following
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
Once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
Twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady can't take this any more,
You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this
Country. We don't speak
Aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
And engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them
Ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
Of them say the following
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
Once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
Twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady can't take this any more,
You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this
Country. We don't speak
Aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
In a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called to the witness stand his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy.
The attorney approached her and asked, 'Miss Ivy, do you know me? She responded, 'Why, yes of course me know you, Mr. Williams. Me know you since you was a likkle pissing tail pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you family. You is a ole liard, you cheat pan yuh wife, yuh chat people bizniz, and yuh red-eye, grudgeful and licky-licky. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never amoun to nuttin more Dan a
Two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know yuh very well alright!!'
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?' She looked over at the defense attor ney and replied, 'Of course, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a likkle bwoy too. Him lazy, and good-fe-nothing, him boasy, and him always a gwaan like him white. Him caan build nuh normal
Relationship with any woman 'cause him a man unda covah. Fe him law practice a di worse eena Jamaica Him chat nuff, him a ole teef, him dutty and nasty. A three different woman an four man me hear seh him a grind undah covah, an one a di woman dem a you missis (points at juror member)!!
Yes sah, me know him well.' The defense attorney almost died of
embarra**ment.The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you ra**clawt bastards ask her if she knows me, a gwine lock up oonu b*m*o-clatt eena jail fe contempt!.'
The attorney approached her and asked, 'Miss Ivy, do you know me? She responded, 'Why, yes of course me know you, Mr. Williams. Me know you since you was a likkle pissing tail pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you family. You is a ole liard, you cheat pan yuh wife, yuh chat people bizniz, and yuh red-eye, grudgeful and licky-licky. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never amoun to nuttin more Dan a
Two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know yuh very well alright!!'
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?' She looked over at the defense attor ney and replied, 'Of course, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a likkle bwoy too. Him lazy, and good-fe-nothing, him boasy, and him always a gwaan like him white. Him caan build nuh normal
Relationship with any woman 'cause him a man unda covah. Fe him law practice a di worse eena Jamaica Him chat nuff, him a ole teef, him dutty and nasty. A three different woman an four man me hear seh him a grind undah covah, an one a di woman dem a you missis (points at juror member)!!
Yes sah, me know him well.' The defense attorney almost died of
embarra**ment.The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you ra**clawt bastards ask her if she knows me, a gwine lock up oonu b*m*o-clatt eena jail fe contempt!.'
1. Never ask where yu man has been, where him coming from or where him going Don't always feel him going to another woman. If yu treated him right he will soon come back. If him don't come back, well you have to work pon dat!
2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping".
3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon.
4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was worthless! Is dem fault fi a pressure him!
5. Never tell yuh man seh yu pregnant - well, not til yuh hide him passport!
6. Never ask how many baby mother yuh man have. Dis may lead to embarra**ment because him may have lost count.
7. If him grab yuh up! Tell him that's not how to show love, some think that is the way but don't call de police. It don't mek no sense, because you always end up bailing him out of jail.
8. Never tell yuh man is not your real hair! Dem love long hair gal. Keep telling him dat you're half-Chinese or yu have Indjun in yuh family.
9. Don't listen to your girlfriends advice, especially if dem don't have no man. How can someone with no man tell you how to keep one. Dem always telling you that 'him controlling yu'. She just want someone to keep her company because she have no man. Some of dem even have funny intentions.
10. Never ask to drive your man's car, or give him directions, or tell him to ask for directions when he is lost. Him soon find him way! Grin and bear it.
11. Never ask for your man's home number and address ... some ladies get this strange idea after seeing their man fe three years and having several children for him that this somehow entitles dem to dis privileged information. Be realistic! The relationship is still in its early stages. However, your man might feel generous and offer up his cell phone or pager digits. Be grateful!!!
2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping".
3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon.
4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was worthless! Is dem fault fi a pressure him!
5. Never tell yuh man seh yu pregnant - well, not til yuh hide him passport!
6. Never ask how many baby mother yuh man have. Dis may lead to embarra**ment because him may have lost count.
7. If him grab yuh up! Tell him that's not how to show love, some think that is the way but don't call de police. It don't mek no sense, because you always end up bailing him out of jail.
8. Never tell yuh man is not your real hair! Dem love long hair gal. Keep telling him dat you're half-Chinese or yu have Indjun in yuh family.
9. Don't listen to your girlfriends advice, especially if dem don't have no man. How can someone with no man tell you how to keep one. Dem always telling you that 'him controlling yu'. She just want someone to keep her company because she have no man. Some of dem even have funny intentions.
10. Never ask to drive your man's car, or give him directions, or tell him to ask for directions when he is lost. Him soon find him way! Grin and bear it.
11. Never ask for your man's home number and address ... some ladies get this strange idea after seeing their man fe three years and having several children for him that this somehow entitles dem to dis privileged information. Be realistic! The relationship is still in its early stages. However, your man might feel generous and offer up his cell phone or pager digits. Be grateful!!!
| Dear Santa, I know you probably wondering why I writing yuh one day after Christmas but after opening mi present dem yestiday, I just had was to write yuh. Santa, mi was a very good girl all year round. Mi listen to mi madda when she talk to mi and mi help out wid di chores dem round de house. Mi even help di neighba pickney dem do fi dem chores tuh. One day mi all help out di old cra**es Mr. George, the blind an cripple one, cra** the road when di odda children dem just ah watch him an dida tek gamble pon what kind of cyar did ah go lick him dung. Santa, dem just lef him deh fi dead, but mi help him out. Santa mi studied real hard in school this year, so hard till mi all come fuss inna di class. Mi mek it mi duty to be nice and not naughty Santa. Mi was so good. Ah real good girl Santa. Santa when mi write mi Christmas list to yuh dis year, mi ask yuh fi a Barbie princess doll, ah Barbie kitchen, ah Dora the Explorer computer game, ah cyabbage patch doll and ah monopoly game. So Santa, how the *la*hd claat after reading mi list yuh leave under di Christmas tree ah phukking light up yo-yo, one plastic tea-cup set and ah phukking no name dolly dat look like she have polio and ah dead from AIDS? Santa is either yuh blind or yuh cyah *la*hd claat read!!! Every year mi say mi woulda stop believing in yuh and like ah dyam fool mi always give yuh ah next chance, but not ah phukking-gain, yuh hear mi Santa? Not a *la*hdclaat. Yuh hear whe mi sah Santa? Yuh phukking fat red ra** yuh. Yuh see all nex year, yuh betta dont try squeeze yuh big fat batty thru mi louvres dem, because Santa mi swear mi going phukk yuh up. It going to be mi, yuh and dis sharp *la*hd claat knife, so mi can jukk yuh inna yuh belly. Yuh hear mi sah? Mi ah go stab up yuh *la*hdcaat. Imagine, yuh give that likkle cock eye gyal Sally from cra** di road everything that she ax fah. So much so dat she all nuh have nuh room fi walk round har house. Yuh see all nex year Santa, mi will be back to mi good old self. Dat's right Santa. Mi naar go giv mi madda nuh trouble or cause nuh havoc roun'ere . And Santa, a goin wait pon you patiently ... mi goin wait pon yuh paitently with ah big *la*hd claat rock stone fi yuh backside. And den when yuh and dem blasted reindeer dat favour some dyam oversize goat wid tree branch ah grow otta dem head top, com ho-ho hoing down pon I old rusty zinc nex Christmas ... BOOP!!!!! Is one ra** lick inna yuh *la*hd claat head. Santa mi goin' done yuh *la*hd claat, Memba dat yuh hear Santa. Try Memba dat!! Love Likkle Keisha | |
Mr Mystro killing it lollllllllllllllllll dude is funny
August 15, 2008
Started By steppz — 2 Comments
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"
The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"
The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"
The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"
Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.
MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.
Thank You.
Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)
MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.
Thank You.
Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease."Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"
"Well, you might ask them..."
"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?"
"I must confess I don't know much about history
Even more clues you could be a Redneck...You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
Mr.Sam........lmao...blo*o*dclaaat((JaydsTbalist)).........lololol
August 14, 2008
Started By JaydsTbalist — 7 Comments
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
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