Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
A man and a woman were giving each other the silent treatment. Each one said the other talked too much. The man then remembered that he had an important flight that he needed to attend an important business trip. So in order not be the first to talk (and lose the bet) he wrote on a peice of paper "Honey, wake me up at 5. a.m. please" . The next morning he was awakened by his wife's cooking. He looked at the clock and saw that it was 9 a.m. He was about to ask his wife why she didn't wake him up, then he looked under the clock and saw a peice of paper saying "Honey wake up it's 5 a.m. now."
http://one.revver.com/watch/377763/flv/affiliate/49626
http://one.revver.com/watch/378335/flv/affiliate/49626
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new
color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days
before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV,"
she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
*A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady** 60** **miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce." *
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce." *
*The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to**
65**mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk
me out of
it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And
she's a far better lover than you are." *
*
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to** 75** He pushes his luck. "I want the house,"
he says insistently.. *
*
Up to** 80** .. "I want the car, too," he continues.*
*
85** mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!"*
*
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"*
*
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" *
*Just before they slam into the wall at **85** mph,The wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."*
*Moral of the Story** :* *
Women are crazy!!!!* *
Don't mess with them!!* *
It has been reported that there has been a terrible outbreak of Yellow Fever (disambiguation). This particular strain is sometimes known as the American Plague. The outbreak started in Beijing, the Bird's Nest Olympic stadium to be exact, however sources have linked its origin to the tiny island of Jamaica in the Caribbean Sea.
The virus seems to have been transmitted by a set of Jamaican athletes participating in the Beijing Olympics in particular one by the name of Usain Bolt. At first the virus infected 91,000 people a few days ago but it is a quickly spread to millions of persons worldwide. The symptoms include:
· Spontaneous & uncontrollable dancing fits especially Nuh Linga & Gully Creeper
· The need to wear yellow clothing & wave Jamaican flags
· Screaming uncontrollably at your TV
· Shock, awe & speechlessness
Many victims have become crazed and can be seen running on the streets all over Jamaica acting like they have just won a 100m race at the Olympics in 9.69 seconds.
Although most victims suffer from these symptoms it does seem to have different effects on some persons in particular Americans, these include:
· Badmind
· Grudgefulness
· Envy
· A general uncontrollable hating of all things Jamaican
Additionally, American victims seem to be unable to grasp many things such as batons and the fact that people can actually run fast without performance enhancing drugs.
So far scientists have been unable to find a cure and it is feared that the entire world will be infected in a matter of days. The long term prognosis is not good either, as it is feared that there is another generation of Jamaican athletes that have this deadly virus in their system and will be unleashing it on the world in even more record doses.
The only hope anybody has, to remain immune, is to stop watching television (except for NBC), stay off the internet and move as far away from civilized, rational humans as they can, in some remote underdeveloped, mentally retarded place such as the USA.
Usain Bolt celebrates Early (funny vid.) .......these ppl are just BADMIND
August 24, 2008
Started By chadutd — 7 Comments
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1piuJzS7H-4
LISTEN TO LAST PART CAREFULLY
Soundboards rule!!!
I think from now on she will be afraid of dogs for her whole life
Scott Storch & Hulk Hogan Prank Call Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
August 22, 2008
Started By teacher g — 2 Comments
The pregnancy test everyman shud buy and keep when they aint sure.....lol...funny...pree
August 22, 2008
Started By gullygallis — 9 Comments
http://www.zshare.net/video/17466422092b5717/ 
not CAPS LOCK...thats the zones most used key.
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
You'd make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
You'd make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58ccED7s4zY the art off cheating
So this man was having problem with pre mature ejaculation. So him when to the doctor to check the situaltion.
The doctor says he's got this new treatment he is trying & the man should have a try.
The treatment is to buy a starting gun & keep it under the pillow, "when you think ya about to come, pull the trigger & the noise will scare you & take your focus away from coming."
The man agrees to try this treatment & thanks the doctor, heads off to get the starting gun.
2 weeks later the doctor sees the man walking down the street, approches him & asks how the treatment he prescibed went.
The man replyed "well it was the worst thing I could have done doc."
The doctor asks "how so"
the man replies, 'I was having a 69er with my wife & was about to come so I pulled the trigger on the starting gun"
the doctor is really curious "soooo what happened?"
"Well she shit in my face, bit the top of my dick & then the neighbour came out of the closet with his hands up!!!"
10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than Girlfriends
1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.
1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done .....Your turn) 
There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.
Wife: "A wha dat?"
Husband: "A mus' one space ship."
Wife: "Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!"
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: "Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?" The husband's eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: "Come een, come een. Of course you can come an' res' yuhself." So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: "Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests." Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: "Well, dats alright with me."
Wife: "Oh, I don't know, because I don't really believe in dat kind of t'ing."
Husband: "Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know."
Wife: "Well, OK then."
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, "would you like a bit more length?"
Wife: "Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?"
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, "would you like a bit more width?"
Wife: "Width! Well, OK then."
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter.
The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: "Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?"
Husband: "Stuups ..... No! All night long di damn woman just deh deh a twis up, twis up mi ra** ears dem".
Wife: "A wha dat?"
Husband: "A mus' one space ship."
Wife: "Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!"
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: "Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?" The husband's eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: "Come een, come een. Of course you can come an' res' yuhself." So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: "Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests." Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: "Well, dats alright with me."
Wife: "Oh, I don't know, because I don't really believe in dat kind of t'ing."
Husband: "Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know."
Wife: "Well, OK then."
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, "would you like a bit more length?"
Wife: "Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?"
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, "would you like a bit more width?"
Wife: "Width! Well, OK then."
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter.
The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: "Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?"
Husband: "Stuups ..... No! All night long di damn woman just deh deh a twis up, twis up mi ra** ears dem".
| WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN |
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
TEN THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A JAMAICAN MAN SAY!
1."No wifey, tek my car instead."
2."Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
3."She 'ave a nice body........but 'ar bottom too big."
4."Wha'apen Mr.Deejay, you cyaah play some calypso?"
5."Di pill doan gree wid mi wife so ah go get a vasectomy."
6."No sweetie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffi drive all de way to Kingston and
it dark and wet outside."
7."Some ah mi closest friend dem gay."
8."Size don't matter."
9."Yeah mi eat under 2 foot table."
10."Nuff Respect to Brian Lara."
> Jamaican US Marine stationed in Iraq recently
> recieved a letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in
> Brooklyn. It reads as follows:
>
> Dear Leroy,
> mi caan continue di relationship wid yu enuh, because
> dis ya long distance ting mi cyan deal wid, yu juss
> too baxide far and me need some loving. Mi afi admit
> dat mi gi yu bun two time since yu gone and it
> nuh fair to di both a we still, so mi really sorry ,
> so since we nuh deh nuh more , mi a beg yu please to
> send back mi picha whey mi did send to yu.
> Gwendolyn
>
> The Marine, with hurt feelings asked his fellow
> Jamaican Marines for any snap shot they could spare of their
> girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, cousins etc.
> In addition to the picture of Gwendolyn, Leroy
> included all the other pictures of the girls
> he had collected from his buddies.
> There were 57 photos in that envelope...along with this note:
>
> Dear Gwendolyn,
> mi really sorry but mi caan rememba who yu be , so
> baby please to pick out fi yu picha from di pile and
> send back di ress to mi, tanks...
>
> take care
> Leroy.
LOLOLOL...another great soundboard prank call!!!
All done with a soundboard!!! This is genius!!!
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"Dad, Can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday. He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home. She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard.
As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: "Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!". Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: "Who the hell is that?" "I am the devil", she replied.
The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: "Damned pleased to meet you. I'm Harold Jones. I married your sister."
As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: "Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!". Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: "Who the hell is that?" "I am the devil", she replied.
The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: "Damned pleased to meet you. I'm Harold Jones. I married your sister."
Usain mi dawlin, mi just want yuh fi know dat sake a yuh, mi marriage
almost mash up di odder day, because a piece of jealousy teck my
husband.
Well wah never happen in a year happen in a day
Mi kyaan believe mi eyes
Ever since Usain Bolt win di Olympics 100 metres
Fi mi husband start exercise
Yuh tink a lickle talk mi a talk to him
Bout how him belly a get big
Mi tired fi tell him how him a get waggaty
An start to fayva pig
Mi spend mi money sign him up a gym
Steam vegetable gi him every day
Him *u*k him teet an say "Man must have guts"
And galang him merry way
But when Usain Bolt win di Olympic 100 metre gold
An mi start fi scream
"Usain Bolt mi love yuh, mi love yuh, mi love yuh
Yuh fulfill mi wildest dream"
Mi run up an dung inna di living room like mi mad
All liddung pon di floor
Mi say "Usain, a long time no man no excite mi so
Mi ago love yuh more and more"
Right now mi have picture of Usain Bolt pon every wall
And one beside mi bed
One pon mi t-shirt, two inna mi purse
And a Usain Bolt inna mi head
Usain Bolt full mi up wid so much pride
Mi doan even waan fi eat
And when mi talk bout how him body look good
Mi husband say mi sound like mi a cheat
Him mout long up and say mi have young bway nature
An a long time mi love mawga man
When mi tell him say Usain Bolt just meck mi feel good
Him say mi a behave like more dan fan
Him bex like bullfrog di odda morning
How mi gi him di breakfast cold
Sake a mi a watch di rerun a Usain a gi dem donkey length
Fi win di 100 metre gold
Dem show di race again when mi a cook di Satiday soup
Mi gi out "What a mawga man can run"
Mi dis hear "it come een like say sake a dis mawga man
Mi an mi Satiday soup a get bun"
Well Usain mi dawlin, dem say who bex lose
So mi say later fi him
But one ting mi know all of a sudden him start eat healty
And find himself a gym
And between mi an yuh Usain, him proud a yuh big time
But mi dear, nuh watch no face
Yuh name write pon mi heart dat Satiday when yuh get di gold
Inna di Olympics 100 metre race
Written by Joan Andrea Hutchinson
almost mash up di odder day, because a piece of jealousy teck my
husband.
Well wah never happen in a year happen in a day
Mi kyaan believe mi eyes
Ever since Usain Bolt win di Olympics 100 metres
Fi mi husband start exercise
Yuh tink a lickle talk mi a talk to him
Bout how him belly a get big
Mi tired fi tell him how him a get waggaty
An start to fayva pig
Mi spend mi money sign him up a gym
Steam vegetable gi him every day
Him *u*k him teet an say "Man must have guts"
And galang him merry way
But when Usain Bolt win di Olympic 100 metre gold
An mi start fi scream
"Usain Bolt mi love yuh, mi love yuh, mi love yuh
Yuh fulfill mi wildest dream"
Mi run up an dung inna di living room like mi mad
All liddung pon di floor
Mi say "Usain, a long time no man no excite mi so
Mi ago love yuh more and more"
Right now mi have picture of Usain Bolt pon every wall
And one beside mi bed
One pon mi t-shirt, two inna mi purse
And a Usain Bolt inna mi head
Usain Bolt full mi up wid so much pride
Mi doan even waan fi eat
And when mi talk bout how him body look good
Mi husband say mi sound like mi a cheat
Him mout long up and say mi have young bway nature
An a long time mi love mawga man
When mi tell him say Usain Bolt just meck mi feel good
Him say mi a behave like more dan fan
Him bex like bullfrog di odda morning
How mi gi him di breakfast cold
Sake a mi a watch di rerun a Usain a gi dem donkey length
Fi win di 100 metre gold
Dem show di race again when mi a cook di Satiday soup
Mi gi out "What a mawga man can run"
Mi dis hear "it come een like say sake a dis mawga man
Mi an mi Satiday soup a get bun"
Well Usain mi dawlin, dem say who bex lose
So mi say later fi him
But one ting mi know all of a sudden him start eat healty
And find himself a gym
And between mi an yuh Usain, him proud a yuh big time
But mi dear, nuh watch no face
Yuh name write pon mi heart dat Satiday when yuh get di gold
Inna di Olympics 100 metre race
Written by Joan Andrea Hutchinson
pree dat
-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 08:13, 2008-08-21
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